I Said No But…

By | November 6, 2014

Question:

I dated a boy for about 3 weeks last May. We went out 6 times. I really had a good time, he was a baal maale, baal middos, was considerate, nice, and cared deeply about Torah. We had really good chemistry and I liked being with him.

However, he lacked certain things that I felt important. I felt like I was dominating the relationship- I am loud and talkative. This made me feel like I was better than him (though I know its not true! Maybe it made me not be able to respect him because he wasn’t as funny or loud etc? I don’t know if I care that my husband is louder than me because I know I’m very loud but I want to be able to look up to him in some way.)

Another thing that made me a bit uncomfortable was how candid he was about his feelings. I know thats a good thing but I think my family is not like that and it made him seem more feminine.
He was from a more modern background and frummed out while my family is more modern orthodox and I followed my older sister to the right and would consider myself yeshivish (I want a husband who learns and wears black and white, want to send my kids to bais yaakov etc- more I feel like thats the only way to survive in this crazy world and I identify with the hashkafa though because of my background I am more out there and “up to date”.) When he frummed out he got into the “chassidus” and has brisker payis and likes certain things about the chassidish lifestyle which is so not my thing. He is learning in a yeshiva and would consider himself yeshivish but he has that chassidish team.

Also, not because he is yeshivish but in general it seems that his family does not value education which is something my family, and I too, am big on. I think it is important to be intellectually curious and he did not, he was all for just getting by with whatever grades and don’t need to give schoolwork your all. Also, I am not a genius but I work hard at school and am iyH going for pharmacy. I couldn’t tell if he was smart also- he was in the top shiur but said he does a lot on his own and doesn’t love style of learning in shiur so much- doesn’t really work for him.(I don’t know so much about boys and yeshiva but this seems weird to me.)

I said no for these reasons but didn’t really tell him more than- I think we are on different pages hashkafically (I spoke with someone who said it sounds like he needs someone who appreciates the chassidish leanings and I don’t so that was my concrete basis…).

I still think about him a lot and miss the friendship we had and the chemistry that was good between us from the beginning. I think in general I am the type of person that would love having a boyfriend but never did because I did not think it was acceptable before marriage so I don’t know if that plays a factor. I had one date before this guy and one date after that were both not at all shayach. I don’t know if what I am feeling is normal and if my thoughts about him will go away if I date someone else also shayach even somewhat. When friends talk about dating stories I basically just have what to talk about from dates with this boy which were all really positive experiences. I still think these reasons make sense but I want to make sure that I am not holding on to things I should let go of and I just also want encouragement about these reasons being valid and legitimate(I guess you can tell I am really inexperienced) and that I shouldn’t revisit this.
Thanks so much!

 

Answer:

Dear not sure,
It sounds like you have decided already that this boy is not for you. ​It’s normal to have all kinds of doubts and emotions, and yes, chemistry does play an important part in cementing a relationship.
It would be helpful to make a list of things that are really important to you (generally a quiet spouse is a plus if you’re loud and talkative — opposites complete each other), and then go from there. But remember, chitzoniyus is just that, and it’s the inner part you are looking for. And then, never say never — I always defined myself as Yeshiva-litvishe, and in the end, I married a chassid, and I can tell you that he really is perfect for me!
And if, after a few more weeks you are still thinking about this guy, then try it out again.
 And please accept my apologies for not getting back to you earlier. I wasn’t well, and couldn’t really get to my emails.
Debbie
Category: Ask the Shadchan

About Debbie

Debbie Shapiro is a wife, mother, grandmother (in that order), and a resident of Jerusalem for over 40 years. In addition to her work as a writer and PR director, she enjoys playing with her grandchildren, being there for her children, and writing for columns like this one! She's made quite a few shidduchim and is known for her common sense. She welcomes questions, comments, feedback and interaction. Check out Debbie’s latest book here

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