Getting A Yes While Dating?

By | October 30, 2014

Question:

I am a 23 year old girl I have been going out for 4 years and have been having a hard time in shidduchim. Many months can go by before getting a yes from a boy.
I have recently got a yes, the boy and family sound nice but the personality might be not a match. Of course that is why we will go out.
As soon as we gave a yes we got a call from a second shadchan that another boy is looking into us and likes what they hear so far, but would like us to make an inquiry or 2, just to see if we are in the right ballpark, before the make further inquiries.
We are afraid to tell them that we are about to begin something else. They will move on and likely never come back, and the first boy might not go past a first date.
Is there a way for us to stall the 2nd boy until after I meet the first, just to get a clearer picture? Or should I be honest but risk losing it?
Thanks for your help.

Answer:

Wow, isn’t that wonderful! When it rains, it pours. Interesting enough, this is what happened to many of my children; there were no suggestions, nothing was moving, and then, suddenly many at once — which always ended in a mazel tov!

Although I am very against playing in two fields at once, I don’t think there is anything wrong in having your parents, or someone else you trust, look into it, but without them involving you, and of course, we’re talking about very basic inquiries. At least until after the first date. And once the other person is making some inquiries, forget about it completely.

Debbie

Q. ON A.:

Thanks for your reply.
If I understand correctly, my parents can make an inquiry or two about the second boy, and get back to the 2nd shadchan that there is possibility. The 2nd boy can look into me even though I have a first date set up with the first boy. Should they get back with a yes, and I am continuing with the first boy (at least to a second date) I can tell them then that right now I am busy.
Just clarifying your advice.
Thanks so much.

Answer:

On second thought, if there is any way to stall giving an answer to the parents of the second boy, saying something like, We’ll have an answer within the next week, that would be better. But otherwise, yes, let your parents check and you should just forget about it.

Q. On A.

Hi,
I went out twice with boy #1. It was ok, I have certain reservations, but am willing to try a 3rd time. The boy got back to the shadchan that he is willing to try a 3rd time but his gut feeling is that this is not for him.
My question is what to do now with boy #2. My parents really must get back to them already, should we be upfront with them that I am busy, but right now it seems that boy #1 has one foot out the door. To give up the 2nd shidduch doesn’t seem to make sense at this point. But I don’t feel its right to not go out a 3rd time with the first boy because you never know. So not sure what to do.

Category: Ask the Shadchan

About Debbie

Debbie Shapiro is a wife, mother, grandmother (in that order), and a resident of Jerusalem for over 40 years. In addition to her work as a writer and PR director, she enjoys playing with her grandchildren, being there for her children, and writing for columns like this one! She's made quite a few shidduchim and is known for her common sense. She welcomes questions, comments, feedback and interaction. Check out Debbie’s latest book here

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