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Author Topic: First Names At Work
pray today

Dating Maven

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Post First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:22 PM

So basically I have been working in a office for a bit and the men there call me by first name (pray :D) I recently decided I should be Makpid that they should cal me Miss (today :D) Anyone have any tips how to ask them to do that in the least uncomfortable way?

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:30 PM

are you a good actress?

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:30 PM

can you act out a conversation that you rehearsed in your mind but They think its spontaneous?

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:44 PM

Maybe 😉 How would you think the conversation should go? Every time I think about it I can't think of a normal way to say it.

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tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:45 PM

You could bring up a convo about working on yourself, but make it seem spontaneous. Then, as if you're thinking out loud, and you made it up on the spot, you could say "I heard on a shiur (or whatever reason really made you decide that this was a good idea for you to change) that some ppl only were called Miss .... by their coworkers. Would you mind calling me that?"
Just an idea. Not sure how good it is, but I've never been in this situation. 😉

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:45 PM

hmm............... any other ideas?

patcha

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:46 PM

Is there really a halacha like this? What is the goal?

Asking others to help you be more tznius can very easily backfire.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:48 PM

If you can and have one, give a story of how this girl had something wonderful happen as a zechus for doing this and you think it's a wonderful thing... sound idealistic. They won't care; men think that young girls are very idealistic and fluffy anyways so they won't think twice about it.
But on a serious note, I think that it is a great idea. you can never be too careful...

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:50 PM

Quote from patcha on May 29, 2013, 3:46 PM
Asking others to help you be more tznius could very easily backfire.

It's not just for you, it's mainly for them so there are boundaries. I could give you stories of how just an innocuous conversation or smile led to things. You ever heard the expression "every office affair comes from an innocent conversation at the water cooler?" Men are men Even if they are frum. By setting these boundaries you make it much harder for one thing to lead to another.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 3:51 PM

And if even nothing would ever happen, you don't want any man to have thoughts about you.

iThink

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 5:03 PM

Pray Today, Have you been calling them by first name as well? If not then it's kind of interesting that they haven't given you the same courtesy. If yes, then you can either start addressing them as "Mr____" or just mention to each one separately (no grand anouncements!),next time they call you, that you would appreciate it if they addressed you as "Miss_____". I'd try to come across as somewhere between matter-of-fact about it (so it's not this huge big deal) and firm (so they take your comment seriously). It's very important not to give them the holier than thou attitude or insinuate any disrespect/judgement on your part. This goes for both the men and women in the office.

As always, when you're about to do something difficult that will make Hashem proud, take strength from the knowledge that He has your back no matter what happens. Hatzlacha!

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 5:13 PM

That sounds great! I'm glad you thought of something good!! 🙂

iThink

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 5:30 PM

BTW my previous comments are based on the assumption that the men in the office are frum Jews. If they are not frum (or not Jewish) there are other considerations....

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 8:21 PM

Yes iThink I think 😉 you are a pro at coming up with great solutions to problems! 😀

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 8:52 PM

I'm thinking of maybe just leaving a folded index card on my desk that just says please call me Miss Pray. What do you all think?

in the gap

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 11:12 PM

I don't know if that is such a good idea, but if it works for where you work, then go ahead, one can never be too careful. At my work, a man complimented a girl on her outfit yesterday, (both Frum) and she was, rightly, very upset. She said something to him to the affect of "I don't know if I should quit as what you said makes me very uncomfortable," and he was maskim. (The key was that she was actually serious when she said it.)
If you feel strongly about it there is nothing wrong with hinting or even saying outright that it makes you uncomfortable. If you want to add that this is a new thing you have so as to let them save face, that is great, but it can go either way.

iThink

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 29, 2013, 11:37 PM

basmelech: Glad to help where I can 🙂

pray today: Personally, I go for direct communication, but hey, whatever works. Good luck!

bitachon

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 12:00 AM

Quote from in the gap on May 29, 2013, 11:12 PM
I don't know if that is such a good idea, but if it works for where you work, then go ahead, one can never be too careful. At my work, a man complimented a girl on her outfit yesterday, (both Frum) and she was, rightly, very upset. She said something to him to the affect of "I don't know if I should quit as what you said makes me very uncomfortable," and he was maskim. (The key was that she was actually serious when she said it.)
If you feel strongly about it there is nothing wrong with hinting or even saying outright that it makes you uncomfortable. If you want to add that this is a new thing you have so as to let them save face, that is great, but it can go either way.

\
wow i am definitely impressed she must be very strong...i don't know if i would be able to...chazak v'ematz

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 3:33 PM

Quote from iThink on May 29, 2013, 5:03 PM
Pray Today, Have you been calling them by first name as well? If not then it's kind of interesting that they haven't given you the same courtesy. If yes, then you can either start addressing them as "Mr____" or just mention to each one separately (no grand anouncements!),next time they call you, that you would appreciate it if they addressed you as "Miss_____". I'd try to come across as somewhere between matter-of-fact about it (so it's not this huge big deal) and firm (so they take your comment seriously). It's very important not to give them the holier than thou attitude or insinuate any disrespect/judgement on your part. This goes for both the men and women in the office.

As always, when you're about to do something difficult that will make Hashem proud, take strength from the knowledge that He has your back no matter what happens. Hatzlacha!

I think this is fantastic advice! 🙂

feigy123

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 3:38 PM

Why not just make up a fake first name and tell them to call you that. You can use feigy if you'd like.

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 3:55 PM

But feigy123 they will think that its her first name so it doesn't really solve the problem of being personal... 😐

feigy123

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 3:59 PM

Quote from basmelech on May 31, 2013, 3:55 PM
But feigy123 they will think that its her first name so it doesn't really solve the problem of being personal... 😐

Well, it depends. Is the problem that they will feel too close to you, or that you will feel to close to them?

And if they perceive that you don't feel close, will they no longer feel close?
Or if you perceive that they feel close, will that make you feel close? Or maybe will the fact that you know they are calling you the wrong name prevent even that?

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 4:10 PM

Quote from feigy123 on May 31, 2013, 3:59 PM

Quote from basmelech on May 31, 2013, 3:55 PM
But feigy123 they will think that its her first name so it doesn't really solve the problem of being personal... 😐

Well, it depends. Is the problem that they will feel too close to you, or that you will feel to close to them?

And if they perceive that you don't feel close, will they no longer feel close?
Or if you perceive that they feel close, will that make you feel close? Or maybe will the fact that you know they are calling you the wrong name prevent even that?

That still doesnt solve the problem doesn't really matter who feels close to who. If its first names then it breaches a certain comfort level. There is no need to go in depth about how each person feels exactly regarding it. Sticking to Mr. or Miss is a much safer and less complicated way to go about it. 🙂

feigy123

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 4:35 PM

Quote from basmelech on May 31, 2013, 4:10 PM

Quote from feigy123 on May 31, 2013, 3:59 PM

Quote from basmelech on May 31, 2013, 3:55 PM
But feigy123 they will think that its her first name so it doesn't really solve the problem of being personal... 😐

Well, it depends. Is the problem that they will feel too close to you, or that you will feel to close to them?

And if they perceive that you don't feel close, will they no longer feel close?
Or if you perceive that they feel close, will that make you feel close? Or maybe will the fact that you know they are calling you the wrong name prevent even that?

That still doesnt solve the problem doesn't really matter who feels close to who. If its first names then it breaches a certain comfort level. There is no need to go in depth about how each person feels exactly regarding it.

I think it DOES matter. Because depending on what we are trying to prevent, it will matter what is happening.

If you are trying to prevent you from feeling close to the men you work with, then it will suffice if you don't feel close to them.

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 4:49 PM

Sorry i didnt mean to offend you. Yes it does matter but it can become a problem the other way around. Having a false first name can be a problem also because: A) its not being honest B) you wont respond as fast when called and C) you will likely slip up and then game over. I think the best way, and one that is not complicated to follow is to do what iThink said and get rid of any possible issues by sticking to Mr and Miss.

feigy123

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 4:51 PM

I wasn't offended. I didn't mean to imply that.

basmelech

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Post Re: First Names At Work
on: May 31, 2013, 5:16 PM

Ok so then it was misunderstood. 😕
Im happy we cleared that up! 🙂

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