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Author Topic: He says no to internet in the house
Done w-
Shidduchim

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Post He says no to internet in the house
on: April 22, 2013, 8:12 AM

Hi everyone! So this is my dilemma, and am not sure where to even go with it. Just some background, I work online for many hours every day. When I first began I immediately installed a filter on my computer. The filter got in the way of my work and slowed down my computer so I got rid of it. So I have been working for quite some time now without any filter. Okay, so this is where my date fits in. He obviously or at least I would hope so, knows what I do. He adamantly refuses to have any kind of internet in the home. We went out a nice amount of times and seem to be on the same page. Except not in this way. But it's a big way. I tried explaining to him that this is my parnassa and this is what I do. He didn't budge and seems as if he couldn't care less. Filter or no filter, it didn't seem to matter to him. I can't work with a filter anyway. Everything seemed so good until this bump which we can't seem to understand each other and work out. What do I do? Do I tell him that if we were to get married I would look for a new job because I value his opinion? I don't value his opinion and I think he is wrong for being so stubborn about it. Any input would be helpful. Thanks!!!

feigy123

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: April 22, 2013, 8:44 AM

Many people will not live with internet in the house. I would say that if it is possible for you to do your job at coffee shops and the like, and you are willing to do that to accommodate his needs, then fine. But if you absolutely need internet, then sounds like either you are agreeing not to work, or that it's no shidduch.

life123

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: April 22, 2013, 10:48 AM

Probably his yeshiva or rav is very adamant about this. Speak to the shadchan and ask her to find out why he is so strong against it. FInd out exactly who/what made him decide this and then go to a rav.

in the gap

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: April 23, 2013, 9:16 AM

I would agree with Faigy123. I also feel that you should not make it a deal breaker because he may change his mind at some point. If that is the only thing stopping you then go ahead and you will work something out later, either change jobs or find a public place to use the internet.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: October 18, 2013, 12:40 AM

If you make a career change just to please him, and go through the hassle and expense of retraining in another field when you actually think he is wrong, you may start out okay but eventually you will come to resent him for it. It's not a good idea. If he can't a) change his mind or b) give you a good reason that makes you change your mind, it's not shayich.

batsheva60-
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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 12, 2014, 3:42 AM

If you extensively use the Internet and he is totally against even having Internet access in his house I think that is representative of a much deeper hashkafic rift between the two of you

gold

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 20, 2014, 7:51 PM

I agree with Bat-60. I recently had a very similar situation. Went out with a boy bunch of times, and he was also very adamant about not having any internet in the home. I do not agree with those posters here who said that you can go to the coffee shop to do your work. Let's be realistic here. Going out every time you need to use internet is not practical. Many jobs require you to be available off hours and to login from home sometimes. And what about college work? Who's goin to Starbucks at 11:00 at night to do a research paper? And thats besides for so many financial, educational, and other at home necessities you need the internet for (I'm not talking about shopping and posting on inshidduchim:). I personally believe that if you can do without the internet, that should be done for as long as you can swing it. After that there are ways that one can bring the internet home (i.e filters and restrictions). Anyways I feel that these guys are naive and since they haven't been out in the real world yet, they dont understand the reality of the situation. Btw, it also depends on his upbringing and if hes ever had a nisayon in this area. Anyways in the end we broke up because of this and other simillar hashkafic issues. However I do believe that a lot of it stems from the boys naivete and could be worked out if you discuss the reality of 2014 and the future.

pray today

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 20, 2014, 8:00 PM

Gold I'm afraid I have to disagree with you on this one. To say that you can't live in the real world w/o internet is just wrong!
If someone needs internet for Parnasah it's one thing, but if it's just for convenience sake I must say I think it is well well worth to overcome all of the inconveniences this entails in order not to have the internet in your house.

moori

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 21, 2014, 1:59 AM

what concerns me more than the "no internet" is the adamant refusal to budge. if he's inflexible in this area, in what other ways does this manifest?

sem613

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 21, 2014, 8:27 AM

moori, i disagree, i would be more concerned if he felt flexible in hashkafa/things he sees as halacha, because if he is willing to change this because someone says to, in what other ways does this manifest.
I think it is important to stick to what you think is right in halacha

in the gap

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 21, 2014, 11:20 AM

I agree with Pray Today. It is not such a big deal to live without internet and that is not a reason to say no to someone. If you need the internet you can always go to the library.

howmuchlon-
ger

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 21, 2014, 12:39 PM

Sem613 I don't think No internet qualifies as Halacha, but your point is true. People shouldn't necessarily be flexible or change their Hashkafos because someone disagrees with them or thinks differently. That being said, In the gap - they obviously aren't coming from the same place, want to build the same type of home and that can be a reason to say no.

moori

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 21, 2014, 2:32 PM

Quote from sem613 on March 21, 2014, 8:27 AM
moori, i disagree, i would be more concerned if he felt flexible in hashkafa/things he sees as halacha, because if he is willing to change this because someone says to, in what other ways does this manifest.
I think it is important to stick to what you think is right in halacha

Because it's not halacha and it's interfering with derech eretz (which, according to many is parnassa) and it seems like he's not listening at all. if this was about sticking to what he believes, there would've been healthy debate and the possible involvement of an adam gadol, not the frustrated stalemate as the OP describes.

sem613

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 22, 2014, 10:31 PM

Because it's not halacha and it's interfering with derech eretz (which, according to many is parnassa) and it seems like he's not listening at all. if this was about sticking to what he believes, there would've been healthy debate and the possible involvement of an adam gadol, not the frustrated stalemate as the OP describes.

with all due respect, to YOU its not halacha. We don't know, its possible his rav paskened that it is. Maybe he had already talked it out with his Rav, and he was told its non negotiable
There are some people who feel strongly about it, and if this guy does and OP feels the opposite, than maybe it is not shayach. but

gold

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 23, 2014, 5:58 AM

Pray today: I agree with you. One can definitely live without the 'convenience' of the internet. But, in today's real world (which I refer to in reference to Parnassah) many times internet is not a convenience but rather a necessity. For college, many ppl take online courses-which yes, if it's not so time consuming and difficult, can be taken in a library. However there are online courses that are very time consuming and the library would not even be open late enough for you to go there (ex. Boards or cpa review courses)-these study courses require hours of time and take over your life(I'm talking from experience). In addition many advanced level jobs require you to be available after hours by logging in...thats just the reality of today's job market.
Moori: I think that s/o who doesn't budge in areas of hashkafa is strong-it shows he is firm in his belief and will not waver/follow what others do. There are times to be unwavering and there are times to be flexible. This is an area that one should not necessarily budge from what he feels is correct. But that 'correct' sometimes needs to be given a reality check.

moori

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: March 23, 2014, 2:54 PM

It's not that he doesn't make a valid point. There are people that are living perfectly fine without the internet. (i know that because they often call me to be their internet goy 😉 )And if these are his convictions, he mustn't sway from them. But i feel that it was pure temimus (redundant?), then OP wouldn't have posted. it's words like

tried explaining to him that this is my parnassa and this is what I do. He didn't budge and seems as if he couldn't care less.

that has a bit of a controlling feel to it. When one is truly altruistic in their beliefs, it would come across more gently and, quite possibly, with a solution.

malkyg

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: April 1, 2014, 12:39 PM

He sounds like a Luddite (look it up if you can't remember from European History, :P) I think the internet is a great thing, and a guy who has such strong taynas against it seems like an ignoramus to me.

malkyg

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Post Re: He says no to internet in the house
on: April 1, 2014, 12:39 PM

But it's up to what you think is kedai, and if he cared about you, he'd be flexible.

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