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Author Topic: A Learning Boy
its me

Dater

Posts: 4
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Post A Learning Boy
on: August 24, 2013, 11:53 PM

I think the most important thing to find out how much of a "learning boy" a boy is, is to find out how much he learns during the summer when he is on vacation.

Avigail

Dating Maven

Posts: 130
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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 12:25 AM

Idk if I would base it on that. My brother barely learns Bein Hazmanim but he is still a good boy. I think some boys need a vacation more than others.

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 12:32 AM

The best way to know is to listen to him talk. Is he telling you Divrei Torah is he talking about spiritual things? If the answer is no, chances are is that he is not that Shtark.

in the gap

Dating Maven

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 7:32 AM

I agree with Pray Today, except that some boys don't discuss it as they are told that it can intimidate/bore a girl.Therefore, if you want to know then you should see if he gets excited when telling you about his Yeshivah and his Rebbeim.

getmeadate

Dater

Posts: 48
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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 9:12 AM

Quote from in the gap on August 25, 2013, 7:32 AM
I agree with Pray Today, except that some boys don't discuss it as they are told that it can intimidate/bore a girl.Therefore, if you want to know then you should see if he gets excited when telling you about his Yeshivah and his Rebbeim.

Getting excited shows that his heart is in the right place. But I'm not sure it shows he's a good learner he still might have ADD or other issues.

miss

Dater

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 10:43 PM

hi everyone! I really need some help
I really want a boy who is learning for a long time, but my parents say that I have a really high standard of living and they don't think I can manage with a kollel life style.

miss

Dater

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 10:44 PM

do you think I should give up my dream? do you think it's possible to marry someone in learning and still have nice things???? I'm so confused! the worst part is that I'm meeting two shadchanim this coming week and I have no idea what to say???

miss

Dater

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 10:45 PM

i'm so happy my friend told me abt this site. I really hope s/o out there can help me figure my future out!

Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 10:58 PM

First of all, welcome Miss! This site is amazing and I'm sure you'll be hooked soon like the rest of us! I think marrying a learning boy is for sure an ideal but I also think it's important to be honest with Shadchanim. Maybe tell them how you feel. Or tell them that you really want it to work and you're willing to do what you can for at least the first 2 years. How does that sound?

miss

Dater

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 25, 2013, 11:03 PM

I hear what you are saying, let me spk to my parents. I think I can say that, but maybe I can also try to tone down my lifestyle, or maybe I should look into a boy who is going to school and will always be kovea itim, but will have a profession and allow me to enjoy my higher standard of living.
thanks a lot. so helpful to have this forum!
good night. spk to you again soon!

PurplePrin-
cess

Dating Maven

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 26, 2013, 1:36 PM

Miss, one option is to marry a boy from a rich family and get a contract (before you get engaged) saying that their family will support you for the same amount of years you plan on him learning. It's unrealistic, to say the least! I want a lot of things, like a Porsche Panamera, for example. But I can't afford one. I can't pretend that I can afford one, go ahead and buy it, and then be stuck with the bills. Similarly, if you can't "afford" a learning lifestyle (making do with the bare minimums, no outings whenever you want, not buying a lot of things, etc.) then don't "buy" one. It's hard to go from having a lot to making do with a lot less, but I assume it's possible because there are some people who do that. But don't expect to be someone like that. Think of some people you know who are living the authentic "husband in kollel for many years" lifestyle and ask one or two about their feelings. you may learn that a) they love it, or b) they can't stand it but they chose it so they gotta stick with it. Esther's idea was a good one, to try out the learning experience for a reasonable amount of time (where you can still afford living somewhat like you're used to!). Then you can see. Sometimes it happens that a girl wants a lifetime learner and gets that PLUS support for as long as they want. That's a nice thing but not very common at all. And besides, a lot of people claim they can support but when it comes down to it, they either a) don't give half what they promised, b) they lose some of their money and suddenly can't pay you anymore. Then what?

Basically, think hard about what you really want to and CAN give up for a husband, and what you want to stay with, and choose accordingly.

chaykie

Dating Coach

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Post Re: A Learning Boy
on: August 26, 2013, 1:43 PM

hey, miss, welcome to the site! guess what, i was the same way as you abt 3 yrs ago when i started shidduchim. only wanted a learning boy and wouldn't give it up. now, 3 yrs later, i know i want someone who is either A) gonna learn half day work half day (i'm ok with someone learning full time the first yr), or B) working mostly and being koveia itim. i also don't have the most simple lifestyle, so this decision was most realistic.

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