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Author Topic: A.K.A pella
fun21

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Post A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 4:52 PM

Yelp! I need your help with this one. I just walked in the door from date number six and I am pacing the floor not knowing what to do. I called my seminary teacher in Eretz Yisroel and I am waiting for her to call me back. My mother would flip so I can't discuss this with her but b"H she's at work so I don't have the pressure to tell her how it went right away. Anyway, this is what happened. On the way to park (we had a pick-nick lunch, it was really sweet) he turned on the new A.K.A pella CD. It sounded interesting and we were both enjoying listening to it as we continued to shmooze. He then mentioned how it is so neat how they take the songs from Goyish tunes and then turn them into "jewish music". I didn't quite understand how it worked so I asked him to explain. He continued to tell me the entire Goyish version of many of the songs and then he played for me how they change it. I was horrified! I wanted to get out of the car on the spot. What does that mean and why does he know all of that? He spends hours learning in a big famous Yeshiva and he wants to learn long term! How does he know all the words and WHAT ELSE DOES HE KNOW? I think that I was just so stunned I didn't ask him any more questions. I am sure that he noticed a change in me as I was not myself the rest of the date. I thought I knew him so well, our Hashkafos seemed to match up perfectly and to be quite frank I was ready for him to pop the question. I was so into him! Well, not anymore..because I am done. I want to confirm my decision with my seminary teacher who is so frum herself I am going to have to explain to her what Sefira music even is. I just can't believe this is all over..

gold

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 5:04 PM

Oy-that's horrible! I personally dont think you should end it so abruptly without clarifying it with him though. I mean, sounds to me, like there's not much room for giving the 'benefit of the doubt', because you say he told you the entire non-jewish version of many songs, so it's all right there. However, dunno if the shadchan is still involved, but maybe you can have the shadchan relay the message that you were very taken aback by the whole situation and see what he (meaning the boy) says. Or if you've already dropped the shadchan, then maybe a serious phone conversation should take place to see what's up. Only reason why I think there should be some type of communication to him about this before you end it is because you say you were so into him-that's definitely something, dont throw it away so fast....although if you do it is a valid reason

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 5:06 PM

Are you sure he's not a BT?? That's the only explanation I can think of! Honestly, I don't get how he felt comfortable sharing this with someone like you- I'm assuming you speak and behave like the kind of girl who would be put off by this, so how he didn't see this coming is beyond me! Also, I can't imagine that a guy who is so into secular music didn't make any other secular references that would disturb you. Am I missing something? Seriously, why don't you call him and tell him how surprised you are-maybe there is some kind of explanation. (I really, really doubt there is any explanation here that would satisfy you, though...)

In answer to your question about what that means: It means he listens/listened to secular music. Not as unusual as you would imagine. What else does he know? It's safe to assume that he knows the kind of things that guys who listen to secular music know. In other words, it's rarely the only form of secular entertainment that a guy enjoys.

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 5:16 PM

Please don't take offense, and I really don't mean any disrespect to your sem teacher, but if she's that out of it, then maybe she's not the best person to discuss this with.

I'm really sorry about your disappointment...

feigy123

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 5:34 PM

Ok, here is my advice: Talk to him.

That's all. You want to have a relationship with him? So ask him about himself; ask him about this. You want to have good communication about things that bother you? This bothers you; talk to him about it.

There is nothing a seminary teacher can tell you which will not just be conjecture. You have no idea what happened; for all you know his roommates brother told him this (although probably not). This is a perfect opportunity for you to see where he is holding--and just as importantly--for him to see where you are holding.

Ask him how he knows the song. Ask him if he listens to non-jewish music. Ask him if he feels it is inappropriate. Ask him if he intends to continue doing so. Ask him what types of music. Ask him if they songs are crude or vulgar. Ask him if he listens to kol isha. Ask him if he watches music videos. etc. And not in an accusational way please, for your sake.

Good luck.

P.S. Plenty more guys have listened to non-jewish music when they were in high school than you think.

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 6:58 PM

well the fact that he even turned on AKA pella to begin with says something about him.
its mostly secular tunes (and usually really inappropriate ones) and it hardly souds like acapella music.
most yeshivish, serious boys wouldnt even turn "the jewish version" on.
as a side note, alot of boys listen to english music in high school or they hear it from friends and stuff so sometimes their familiar with it...but the fact thay he knew all the words is pretty scary!!! also
they use newish current goyish songs for AKA pella cd's so if he knows the songs then it means hes been listening to it recently ...def speak to him about what kind of music he likes. you dont want no surprises.

feigy123

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 9:08 PM

Quote from dancer90 on April 9, 2013, 6:58 PM

its mostly secular tunes (and usually really inappropriate ones) and it hardly souds like acapella music.
most yeshivish, serious boys wouldnt even turn "the jewish version" on.

they use newish current goyish songs for AKA pella cd's so if he knows the songs then it means hes been listening to it recently ...def speak to him about what kind of music he likes. you dont want no surprises.

I hope I don't offend you, but, you seem to know a lot about it, and about the songs it is based on. Maybe for whatever reason you recognize them, so does this guy.

I just listened to the sampler here http://www.jewishjukebox.com/products/chassidic_music/2380.asp I recognized a couple of the tunes, and I never listen to non-jewish music. I just hear it in starbucks, in the store, etc.

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 9:24 PM

feigy, i dont know these songs from "malls" and "starbucks" lol i do come from an open minded family and some of my siblings are more modern so yes i have been exposed to it. i am also associated with some "at risk" girls as a mentor project so i do hear these songs occasionally, i know the gist of them however i dont know all the words! bh this is a nisayion that i myself have overcome and i think this music is disgusting....for a yeshiva boy to know the words so well is very disturbing unless he too comes from a more open minded family or the like...but i think if that was the case then she wouldnt have been so shocked and surprised.

Sari

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 9:43 PM

I don't know how many of you are aware of this but there are boys who are in good yeshivos who learn and know how to learn who also watch movies/listen to goyish music.... in essence they would like to live in both worlds. When these boys go out they are in a dilemma on the one hand they want to make sure that the girl won't be his mashgiach and will let him continue doing what he wants on the other hand they want to say straight out what they do bec. then they will just get redt girls who are only part of the second world. So what they do is they show knowledge of movies...and watch the girls reaction if she gets upset they know she will be too much of a mashgiach (they can always make up some reason how they knew about...) if they are chilled 🙁 they know that they will be the perfect wife for them........ Don't know if this is the case here but just a heads up....

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 9:46 PM

and i actually once dated a guy who was supposedly a "top boy" from a good shtark yeshiva and then on the 3rd date he admitted that he listens to the radio in the car and he was trying to stop but he really likes the music and its hard for him. but he also said he would never listen to it with a kid in the car and he wouldnt want his kids to hear it.... i cant say i was shocked and flabbergasted but that was the last date!!

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 9:54 PM

yes sari i agree with you! the only problem is these boys really keep it to themselves... so they date a girl 6 times and then expose what they really are and the poor girl ends up confused and heartbroken. its so not fair!

FUN21 - please please update us when its all figured out! i am soooo curious what this guy really is.

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 10:16 PM

Sari that is so true

life123

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 10:57 PM

Maybe he has a sibling who is more modern? Who plays this kind of music?

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 11:03 PM

Chaysim- If you had that sibling, would you brag about the knowledge to your date?

feigy123

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 9, 2013, 11:03 PM

yah yah, see, there are a lot of options. And a lot of ways he might think about it within all those options. That's why you need to talk to him (and also bec otherwise you'll never have a relationship)

fun21

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 10, 2013, 7:37 AM

Thanks for all your posts, your great! We have a phone date set up so stay tuned. I told the shadchan everything because its the type(and I had to speak to someone about it!) and he suggested that we set up a phone date to sort things out. It didn't sound like the boy filled him in on what went on and if the boy did the shadchan just played dumb. It could be because he doesn't want to get in the middle and he wants us to work it out by ourselves. I still did not get through to my sem teacher but I am not sure if I want to at this point. I also did not tell my mother what was going on cuz there was just no way that she would understand. Instead I told her that I am not sure if I want to continue so were going to have a phone date.She looked at me funny like not knowing if the date was ending with this call or if we were taking it up to the next level by talking on the phone. I didn't offer anything and she didn't ask. She would have ordinarily asked me a million questions but since she is very busy these days with my brothers bar mitzva and my sick grandmother she just said okay. Phew, I got out of that one! I must be honest and admit that after reading all of your posts and seeing all of the possible options I am eager to hear what he has to say. I will keep you posted dear friends!

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 10, 2013, 9:12 AM

Good luck with the phone date! Thanks for updating us.

gold

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 10, 2013, 7:16 PM

Yeah, thanx for the update...with all the comments from your friends here, you should be well prepared to talk it over with him and express your feelings regarding this issue. Good luck and keep us posted!

fun21

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 3:23 PM

UPDATE:
Hey everyone. You will not believe where these past couple of days have brought me..or I should say are bringing me. As I was pulling up to my house my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but as soon as I heard his voice I felt a flutter of excitement..kinda like a type of anticipation. Up until that point I didn't realize how much I actually missed seeing him and talking to him. I guess it's understandable since we dated 6 times already and have spend many hours with each other. I also have been feeling a type of emptiness not knowing when/if there will be a next date. I was glad he caught me in the car as those are the best places to have personal conversations..you don't need to worry about somebody listening by the crack of your bedroom door. Our conversation began with just basic talk. Yeshiva, work, school, family and the like. Suddenly, I heard laughter from the other line..he started to laugh and laugh and laugh. Out of complete shock and awkwardness I too started to laugh. When he was finally able to speak again and compose himself just a little bit he said three words "I WAS JOKING" before bursting into another laughing attack. I said what? Finally, he told me the whole story. He said that he was holding at a point where he wanted to see how shtark I was, so he decided to test me and see how I would react. He then went on to explain that he made up all the words and of course a boy like him would never know the real words to such songs. He said that he thought of this brilliant idea when in Yeshiva they were discussing that aka pella uses Goyish tunes. He clearly did not know that before. On the spot he decided that it would be a great way to see where I/the girl was holding. Would she know the tunes too? Would she know even more than him? Would she be shocked and scream at him? He said that by my reaction he assumed that I did not expect that of a Yeshiva boy like himself. He said that if I was shocked then he did a good job presenting himself the way he wanted to and I therefore had passed the test. The story of the girl who took out the guys keys at a red light and then proceeded to throw them out of the window and then told him that she was testing him floated through my head..you passed she had said,but you failed, the boy responded. I suddenly felt like I can relate to that story. I began to sweat and feel anxious..what do I say to him now? I then told him that an important call was coming in and we would finish our conversation at a different point. I ran into my house, headed for my bedroom and cried long and hard. How can he put me through this, I wanted to know? At that point I didn't know who to turn to..and it this point I still don't. I did call the shadchan though to tell him that I need a few days to think about things and sort things out. I have times that I feel like I never want to see him again and then there are times that I really want to see him and continue our relationship. I am torn...Please help.

gold

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 3:37 PM

All I can say is: THAT is NOT the way you should be treated! If he wants to know your hashkafic stance and where you hold in terms of secular music...he could ask you directly and have a normal discussion. To do something like this is horrible and definitely reminds us all of that story that you mentioned with the keys at the redlight. In my mind, he failed! You passed, but he didnt. I dont know all the details though so please make sure to speak to a mentor or shadchan or rebbetzin, or someone!! You need to get direct guidance from someone whom you can speak it over with and trust..hatzlacha!!

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 5:11 PM

I'm sorry fun21 but if ur asking opinions - the guy has mental issues!!! I'm sorry that Is so sick to trick a girl like that!! On a sixth date yet!!! Unreal! Whatever happened to having a normal open convo where u can discuss things like mature adults! K I think I shud stop my blood is boiling!!!

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 5:16 PM

And the fact that he was laughing so hard whole u were sitting on shpilkas wondering if you'll ever see him again! I'm not getting over this! So so retarted!!!

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 8:04 PM

Okay guys, calm down. He didn't handle this situation very maturely I have to say, but I don't think this is a question that you should be searching for answers here -- from strangers. It's kind of complex, and there are a lot of things that have to be discussed (ex. what he did/how he did it, his reaction and what this says about him, was he telling the truth, can you trust him, etc). I suggest that you speak to someone you trust and can relate to you. This is why it's so important to have a dating mentor. Don't do anything rash. Speak it over with a rav. Hatzlacha rabba, and I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

atararox

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 9:24 PM

u hear these stories going around but you never really believe that they actually happen.
Totally crazy!
what is wrong with boysss????????????? WHAT?????
And we're the ones havin a hard time getting dates! amazing!
and howd he even have the head to make up words to all these goyish songs! strangest thing i ever heard in the history of my dating life!!

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 9:38 PM

i say this with utmost sincerity and love for my fellow sister who i care so much about, despite the fact that i have no idea who you are!
sweetheart, if hes hurting u and making you cry your brains out now, BEFORE your even engaged, what do you imagine a future with him will be like?
from the way this incident went down, he sounds like a cruel, insesitive....
to laugh in your face after you were so obviously torn and confused! did he think you wanted a phone date because everything was fine and dandy! he should have called you and apologized and went on and on how he made a huge mistake and hes so sorry if he confused you but he thought it was a good idea but now he sees your upset and he feels so bad that you took it the wrong way etc etc etc.
he laughed! seriously! SERIOUSLY????!!!!!

dancer90

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 14, 2013, 9:43 PM

ok maybe im being a little harsh but definitely speak to a mentor and make sure its someone who cares about you and loves you a whole lot...PLZ let us know what they say! i am curious if there is anyone out there who would deem this behavior as acceptable! 😕 (also you may wanna speak to a frum marriage counselor who deals with abuse, and get their opinion on this incident. it may sound extreme but to me this sounds like the ultimate characterisitc of an abusive spouse)

Moon

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 15, 2013, 11:27 AM

Honestly, I think he is an expert actor and made the whole thing up. How would she know if the words to the songs he said were or were not true? Maybe the lyrics he said were the actual words and he made up that he was trying to test her so he would feel better! Either way, the whole thing is pretty sick :(.

feigy123

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 15, 2013, 11:37 AM

That doesn't sound too good. I'm hoping there is a misunderstanding.

See, if he would have said it was all a joke because he thought it would be funny to make it up and see what you said, then I would be ok with it. We'd know he is a joker, and you'd either be ok with a joker or not ok with it. My personality is to make jokes like that also. But I concur with those above who don't like the idea of a "test".

I thought the phone call was a bad idea to begin with. Sensitive things need to be discussed in person, where you can see each other's reaction, and you can clarify if what you are saying is being taken the wrong way.

Also, because sometimes you have a hard time articulating what you are thinking or especially what you were thinking, and it takes a few tries at explaining it to understand it yourself. Sometimes I do something and if you ask me why, I won't be able to really explain it very well, and I'll need to think about it myself and maybe discuss it.

I think you should see him again. I think you should tell him how you are feeling about this. If you tell him you are upset and he laughs at you--that is bad. But if he sympathizes and feels bad for upsetting you, then I like him.

iThink

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 15, 2013, 1:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I really hope you haven't spoken to a mentor who convinced you to give him another chance or discuss the situation. What he did was immature and hurtful. And if the test was just a lie to cover up for what he by now knows you were turned off from, then he's a liar and you deserve better. Frankly, I'm surprised that some of the posters suggest you still put time and energy into this guy. You should be honest with him and tell him that you cannot see yourself marrying someone who finds it okay to play you that way.

I am so awfully sorry that you have to go through this; I cannot imagine how confusing and hurtful this must be for you. You're deserve a husband who will honor and protect your feelings, not someone who plays around with it.

If you can, please keep us updated on what happens. I daven that Hashem should give you the clarity and strength to do the right thing.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 15, 2013, 10:55 PM

If you are interested in proof that he was lying, I would find out what non-jewish song he was telling you the lyrics to is called, and google the lyrics yourself. If they seem familiar and you recognize them, then he is lying to you and he really does listen to it. This might help you decide if you can trust what he is saying.
That is what I would do.

You still should speak to a mentor though.

*Dan Lecaf Zechus point: it could be he really does listen to it but is embarrassed and likes you so he made up this story so you would still go out with him after he saw your reaction. Just a thought.
It is a very hard nisayon to stop once a person starts listening...

I hope you have clarity to make a wise decision, and I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Good Luck!!

gold

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Post Re: A.K.A pella
on: April 20, 2013, 11:17 PM

Fun21, hows it going? Keep us posted....

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