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Author Topic: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
heyhey

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Post a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 7:19 PM

Mazal Tov and OMG help!

my good friend got engaged and my brother knows the guy well. they are in yeshiva together. when my brother heard the news he called me up and said "hey hey, i don't know what to do... but he is a serious alcoholic and your friend is not the type to be chilled with that!" and he is right she is not OK with that!

NOW WHAT?! My friend is so excited and i wld hate to tell!

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 7:25 PM

Please ask a rav! 😕 This really isn't simple...

dancer90

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 7:27 PM

maybe she knows and spoke to soemone already??!! is that a possibility? oysh! if i were you i wouldnt have the guts to tell her....dont know how you should go about this. im stumped! 😕 😐 🙁

feigy123

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 7:35 PM

I doubt he's a serious alcoholic. You can't be a serious alcoholic without everyone in the world knowing, and he would appear drunk on dates. Alcoholics aren't able to simply take a break and clean up for a few weeks while dating someone--they need to drink all the time.

Your brother does not know what alcoholism means, and it is a bit of a disservice to people who are actually involved with real alcoholics to use the term cavalierly.

heyhey

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 8:09 PM

maybe what i call alcoholic is different, idk. im calling my bro tonight to ask him how often.

feigy123

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 8:17 PM

This is alcoholism. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism

heyhey

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 8:18 PM

feigy123- a disease? i dont think this guy has that!!! lol

thanks!!

feigy123

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 8:21 PM

Your bro may still be correct, though. If he's a drinker and she doesn't know, that could be problematic. I think your bro should ask the rosh yeshiva what to do.

heyhey

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 8:47 PM

maybe... will keep you posted as soon as i talk to him.

iThink

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 9:42 PM

I agree with those who said to ask the RY what to do. Don't act alone; get Daas Torah. Hatzlacha.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 10:54 PM

Quote from feigy123 on February 18, 2013, 7:35 PM
I doubt he's a serious alcoholic. You can't be a serious alcoholic without everyone in the world knowing, and he would appear drunk on dates. Alcoholics aren't able to simply take a break and clean up for a few weeks while dating someone--they need to drink all the time.

Your brother does not know what alcoholism means, and it is a bit of a disservice to people who are actually involved with real alcoholics to use the term cavalierly.

Alcoholics aren't drunk all the time, just as someone who is addicted to drugs or gambling isn't buzzed or at the tables all the time. Yes, they may constantly be thinking about their next fix, but an alcoholic wouldn't necessarily appear drunk on a date! Depending on how intensely and for how long they dated, it is possible to hide a propensity for drinking from your kallah. I agree that he probably is not an alcoholic in the clinical sense of the term, but this is not to be taken lightly!! It can be a BIG problem when someone who fools around with alcohol, especially if it's enough that someone thinks he's an "alcoholic." There are repercussions to both getting involved and not getting involved, which means that you should clarify exactly what your bro meant, verify it with other sources, and then speak to an impartial objective rav about how to proceed. Hatzlacha!

gold

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 18, 2013, 11:44 PM

First you have to clarify all the details & get 100% accurate info from ur bro or other friends, and then you gotta speak to a rav. this is no small potaotes, and even though u might not have the guts to tell her bec. u dont wanna ruin it for her, if u r guided by a rav to tell her, she would be much more appreciative knowing about it before she's married, then being rudely awakened after marriage.

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 19, 2013, 12:06 AM

Quote from feigy123 on February 18, 2013, 7:35 PM
I doubt he's a serious alcoholic. You can't be a serious alcoholic without everyone in the world knowing, and he would appear drunk on dates. Alcoholics aren't able to simply take a break and clean up for a few weeks while dating someone--they need to drink all the time.

Your brother does not know what alcoholism means, and it is a bit of a disservice to people who are actually involved with real alcoholics to use the term cavalierly.

I agree with thinkingBYgirl. You most definitely CAN be a serious alcoholic without people knowing. (I'm a licensed mental health professional and have clients to prove this... )

I would assume that your brother is not out just to stir up trouble for his friend and is a generous good hearted person who is concerned with the issur of Lifnei Iver Lo Sitein Michshol. (Which by the way is just as serious as Loshon Hora).

So assuming that he said something because he is worried about your friend, despite badly wanting her and his friend to be happy... I would definitely do something about it- ie. talk to a Rov first to be sure about what to say/who to say it to etc.

heyhey

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 19, 2013, 7:45 PM

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on February 18, 2013, 10:54 PM

Quote from feigy123 on February 18, 2013, 7:35 PM
I doubt he's a serious alcoholic. You can't be a serious alcoholic without everyone in the world knowing, and he would appear drunk on dates. Alcoholics aren't able to simply take a break and clean up for a few weeks while dating someone--they need to drink all the time.

Your brother does not know what alcoholism means, and it is a bit of a disservice to people who are actually involved with real alcoholics to use the term cavalierly.

Alcoholics aren't drunk all the time, just as someone who is addicted to drugs or gambling isn't buzzed or at the tables all the time. Yes, they may constantly be thinking about their next fix, but an alcoholic wouldn't necessarily appear drunk on a date! Depending on how intensely and for how long they dated, it is possible to hide a propensity for drinking from your kallah. I agree that he probably is not an alcoholic in the clinical sense of the term, but this is not to be taken lightly!! It can be a BIG problem when someone who fools around with alcohol, especially if it's enough that someone thinks he's an "alcoholic." There are repercussions to both getting involved and not getting involved, which means that you should clarify exactly what your bro meant, verify it with other sources, and then speak to an impartial objective rav about how to proceed. Hatzlacha!

very true!! thanks. My brother said hes not sure how bad it is and maybe it has gotten better lately. and YES thanks to you he is speaking to his rosh yeshiva tonight. its perfect bec the rosh knows the bochur too. will keep ou posted im sooooooo nervous!!

Cherry

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 19, 2013, 9:26 PM

Just remember whatever is meant to be will be. If the shidduch falls apart, you are only the shaliach. There is nothing to be nervous about. Its all in the hands of the one above. Keep us posted 😮

Bracha613

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 20, 2013, 12:17 AM

I think next time instead of calling him an alcoholic you should call him a shikur then we won't get into a whole argument what an alcoholic is. 😛

heyhey

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 20, 2013, 12:25 AM

Cherry: THANKS!!!! makes me feel better 😀

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: February 26, 2013, 8:42 PM

HEY HEY - What happened with this???????????

rosepetal5

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: May 25, 2013, 9:52 PM

I think people need run-down on what being an alcoholic means. TRYINGSOHARD says that one can hide their alcoholism: so true! There are also different types of alcohol. Not everyone considers someone who drinks wine all the time an alcoholic - even if they are. Please don't say "I doubt he's a real alcoholic." If HEYHEY's brother really thinks there's a problem, don't ignore it.
Asking a Rav is probably the best thing to do, especially since the whole picture isn't clear.

iThink

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: May 25, 2013, 10:01 PM

Rosepetal5 welcome to inshidduchim 🙂

rosepetal5

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: May 25, 2013, 11:07 PM

Thanks, iThink!

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: a friend of mine just got engaged to an ALCOHOLIC!!! HEELLP!
on: October 18, 2013, 12:35 AM

Update?

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