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Author Topic: would you go out with him?
atararox

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Post would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 12:44 AM

i now turn to my wise "inshidduchim' people for some advice.

i just got a yes from a boy and we are looking into him.
the thing is hes not really what im looking for, for the most part.
to be specific, i want a very yeshiva/learning minded guy who is currently in yeshiva full time or mainly in yeshiva with college/ work half a day.
this guy has an online business that hes been busy with since a young age (hes still in low 20's). he is affiliated with a yeshiva but its not his priority to be there. hes also from a yeshivish family and went his own path type but apparently they are all close and respect eachother blahblahblah. he sounds like a very stable, solid guy...just not "cut out for learning".
also, and dont kill me, his mom called my bff for info the other night and then my friend called me right after all hysterical that the mom was extremely cold and stern and asked rediculous questions (my friend is usually very positive about calls). the boy also only has 1 rebbe on his resume. we spoke to him, but he is not especially close to him. they will speak ocasionally and when hes in yeshiva he participates. but he is his go to rebbe. the rebbe didnt even know if he smokes or not or what color shirts he wears/his overall levush.....i am a very solid girl from a more open minded family, and if anything i became "frummer" than most of my siblings.
on the positive side, he sounds like a nice guy from a nice family and i cant swear hes not the one.
to go out, or not to go out, that is the question?... just each date is so much energy. not they come arounf often lol but ya know what i mean.... if i dont feel theres much potential do i still give it a shot?
(i think i answered my own question with this post though)
please let me know what you think and i will keep you guys posted!!!!
thanks!!

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 12:53 AM

It's really up to you. Are you willing to compromise on some things that might be important to you, ie. learning, rebbi, etc...? You realize that his won't change an iota; it's who he is. Just because he said yes to you, doesn't mean you have to go out with him! If it's not what you're looking for then no need to spin your wheels just because you found the ignition. You don't need to compromise on things that are important to you!! To quote my favorite poet, ๐Ÿ˜› , If something is important to you,/Donโ€™t throw it away./Just hang in there, hold on tight,/You will have your day.

On the other hand, agreeing to go out with someone is not an agreement to marry him. If you think it's worth a shot than go out and see who these things have made him. It might be an easy no. If it's not, then you want to make sure that you stay VERY focused so you don't get invested in a guy that originally you knew you would never marry because ruchniyus-wise it's not for you.

It might be a good idea to hash this out with a mentor or such to clarify what is important to you in a husband and if this would be wise.

Good luck!

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 2:28 PM

Believe me, I can understand the aggravation that comes with a date. While I am now in my later 20s, I can comfortably say that I tried to give every reasonable (and sometimes unreasonable) suggestion a shot. A date is not marriage; and sometimes a date with someone you didn't envision can have its benefits.

In my case, I have gone out with learning guys when I am interested in employed. Now I can sleep the sleep of the just in that I was open and have no regrets.

I personally don't go by references since they are usually screened to be positive. I would rather rely on my own instinct and insight. So my vote is to go on a date, and use your powers of observation accordingly.

feigy123

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 4:53 PM

I'd like to disaggregate two issues, so that you can think about them separately.

One issue is that you want a guy who is learning, and this guy is not. That is a reasonable thing to want, and you should think about if you are willing to compromise on that. I would be.

A second issue is the likelihood that he has different hashkafos, and that is contributing to, and being contributed to by, his not learning. This is also something you need to consider.

bitachon

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 5:16 PM

I agree that references usually tell positve abt the boy..so its def a big question and wonder if his "rav" doesnt know a/t abt him or the other ref say things that arent wat u want...i prob wouldnt go further

atararox

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 5:50 PM

thanks guys for your advice!! im saying no! i slept on it and this moring i just woke up with clarity, thinking that this boy seriously does not have one thing that im looking for except for the fact that hes a boy LOL and if anything he is specifically what im not looking for (a boy from a yeshivish fam that is''accepting" of him)
i have dated other guys similar to this type and i came to the conclusion a long time ago that i need a yeshiva guy.
and honestly, the mom really freaked me out. she was baffled that me and my friends went to miami on vacation and went to the beach...that mindset is sooo not for me. so i decided that by going out with him i would just be wasting everyones time. i am young and a good girl ๐Ÿ˜› and i dont have to just date anyone.
i feel like id just be setting myself up for dissapointment.
you guys are right, ref say only the best so if what im hearing is only sounding average to good then who knows!

gold

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 6:05 PM

Good thinking atara. Just because the boy gave a yes, if theres nothing about him that matches what you are looking for or what type of person you are, then there's usually no point. Think about it this way-if he hadnt given you a 'yes' but someone mentioned the name to you and told u to see if its in your ballpark to see if its shayach redting to him, what would you have told them? (I know u already said no, so really no point in thinking about it anymore)

atararox

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 6:29 PM

well i cud only look into him and see if its shayach after he gives a yes and i have his resume. but knowing all the things i know now if someone would hav ementioned it i would have said its not what im looking for.

heyhey

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 19, 2013, 7:42 PM

i think its impt. to look in for issues and everything else you just gotta give it a shot...

much hatzlacha and CLARITY!

Cherry

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 20, 2013, 6:34 AM

I feel bad for the guy. Sounds like there's more issues there than meets the eye..

Sari

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 27, 2013, 9:23 PM

atara I don't mean to be nosy but what happened?

atararox

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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 27, 2013, 9:32 PM

Quote from atararox on February 19, 2013, 5:50 PM
thanks guys for your advice!! im saying no! i slept on it and this moring i just woke up with clarity, thinking that this boy seriously does not have one thing that im looking for except for the fact that hes a boy LOL and if anything he is specifically what im not looking for (a boy from a yeshivish fam that is''accepting" of him)
i have dated other guys similar to this type and i came to the conclusion a long time ago that i need a yeshiva guy.
and honestly, the mom really freaked me out. she was baffled that me and my friends went to miami on vacation and went to the beach...that mindset is sooo not for me. so i decided that by going out with him i would just be wasting everyones time. i am young and a good girl ๐Ÿ˜› and i dont have to just date anyone.
i feel like id just be setting myself up for dissapointment.
you guys are right, ref say only the best so if what im hearing is only sounding average to good then who knows!

Sari

Dating Maven

Posts: 181
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Post Re: would you go out with him?
on: February 27, 2013, 9:35 PM

woops ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Best of luck

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