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Author Topic: When are you ready?
Keshet

Dater

Posts: 4
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Post When are you ready?
on: January 30, 2014, 6:34 PM

Hey everyone, I'm sort of new here. I'm a year out of seminary and haven't actually started dating yet, but I'm lurking around the site--hope that's ok!
My question is this: How do you know when you're "ready" to start dating?

musicalsea-
rch

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Posts: 12
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: January 30, 2014, 9:34 PM

The truth is, it's different for everyone.
I thought I was ready about a year after sem and now I look back and I think "I thought I was ready? No way!" I think that the most 'ready' you can be is when you've kinda 'settled' back from sem. Not that you should forget everything you ever learned, but you should integrate the life lessons into REAL life.
When you're in sem, it's way easier to live what you've been taught 'cuz everyone else around you is also trying to reach the highest heights that they can. But when you go home, you're on your own. Once you figure out how to live what you've been taught when you are home, without the constant encouragement and positive peer pressure, that's when you know you're ready to date.

Princess-
Lea

Dating Pro

Posts: 223
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: January 31, 2014, 10:24 AM

Musical Search said it right—marriage takes place in the real world, so you should have time (like a year or two) to become familiar with it again. Even then, "readiness" can't be quantified. It's not about reaching a certain age or about when your friends start dating; it's individual.

I think the fact that you are aware of the concept of being "ready" bodes well for you. Being self-aware is very important when dating.

Like MS said, I also thought I was ready once, and looking back, "No way!" With time, people who want to progress do change, and for the better. Then you can meet your ideal guy when you are the best person you can be at every level.

sem613

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: January 31, 2014, 11:39 AM

theres also the stupidly practical aspect of are you ready to give up some measure of your independence and always be helping someone else. To not be able to go out to coffee with friend whenever you want because you have to cook dinner.

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 1, 2014, 9:52 PM

sem613- stupidly practical? what do you mean by that? It sounds like you aren't quite looking forward to marriage at this point?

I've been wanting to get married ever since i was like 6...certainly wasn't ready then 🙂 i think then it was more about the pretty white gown, now my thoughts have matured a bit- but i still love the pretty white gown 🙂 srsly tho, i also look back- i was the one in class who was so gonna be the senior kallah and everyone knew it. came home from sem for pesach and all my friends just knew i was getting engaged...well surprise surprise, i'm still single- definitely looking forward to marriage, but so happy I didn't jump in when i thought i was ready. Also, I just want to point out: it's hard to say to urself "ok, now I'm surely ready" because, like we all said we've done, two years down the line (altho hopefully none of us have to wait that long) we may look back and say "good think i didn't jump in then, cuz i see i wasn't ready" When Hashem makes it happen, hopefully you're ready.

sem613

Dating Maven

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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 1, 2014, 10:57 PM

actually I very much am looking forwards, but I know people who have started dating and close to getting engaged and then got scared off by the prospect of "needing to grow up", so to avoid that, just think about it before you start

todarabbah

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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 1, 2014, 10:58 PM

You never really know when you're perfectly ready and no one really is perfectly ready. As long as you know enough about the expectations of your role in marriage and everything that comes with it and think you can handle it. Are you ready to give selflessly to another person, sometimes forgoing your own needs? Are you willing to give up some privacy and independence? Are you willing to compromise? Are you able to openly communicate and express your desires and goals? Are you willing to keep on growing as an individual and in a relationship? As long as you're honest with yourself and know where you're holding and what is expected of you. Iyh, the right person will come along who will enable you to grow and bring out the best in you.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 1, 2014, 11:24 PM

here's my personal experience on a quest for readiness:
when i came home from seminary i did not feel ready at all!! Life seemed way too big and scary for me!!!! I used to cry to my mother that i was afraid that i would never be ready to get married and i used to ask how i'll ever know if i was ready! (mother said nobody ever really feels totally ready!) I didn't feel ready to undertake the burden of financial responsibility, i didn't feel ready to juggle the chores of being a wife (cooking, dishes, mopping, scrubbing, laundry, working, grocery shopping, and still smiling for my husband at the end of the day?!?!?!? how???) and i didn't feel ready to be somebody's mommy yet!! i still needed my own mommy!!! at that point in time, i was really glad that i had to wait for my sister because whenever ppl asked me what i was looking for, all i had to say was "nothing yet, i have an older sister on the market" and no more questions were asked... i didn't feel any pressure at that point... as time went on and i got my first job and started college, I slowly slid into the real world... I put my paychecks went in my bank account and i learned how to balance my needs and wants on a budget... I realized that cooking, dishes, mopping, scrubbing, laundry, working, and grocery shopping are not all done all day every day... and thru working with children i learned that iyH i hope to be a great mommy someday... aside from that. being in the working world and going to college helped me develop a sense of self, a sense of responsibility, brought out certain kochos i hadn't realized before, and helped me develop my own set of values! In the 2 1/2 years that i am home from sem i've been able to work on myself spiritually and emotionally, and i've strengthened a lot of my relationships... guess what- I AM READY! I'm an adult, i think for myself, i'm ready to take care of a home and a family, and i'm ready be a partner in creating a resting place for the shechina... Of course I won't be truly ready until Hashem decides I am, and He'll let me know that by sending me my bashert iyH. But i've entered the world of shidduchim and the rest is up to Him... Until then, I'm going to continue working on myself and continue growing and learning from this life that is truly big, but not so scary when u take it one day at a time!
may Hashem grant you much siyata dishmaya and clarity on your path to becoming u!

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 2, 2014, 10:14 AM

beautifully said, waiting game. May Hashem not make you wait so long!

waiting-
game

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 2, 2014, 4:46 PM

amen! same to you!

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: When are you ready?
on: February 2, 2014, 11:21 PM

Amen 🙂

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