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Author Topic: Traveling for a boy
daysfan24

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Post Traveling for a boy
on: January 13, 2014, 6:59 PM

Would you consider going to travel to the guy for the first date? Why or why not??? ( This under assumption that he is immensely busy at the moment with school or work) .

alizawolf

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 13, 2014, 8:24 PM

If a girl lives out of town, then it is almost expected these days to travel I believe. However, it is always mentchlach for the boy to go to the girl if possible. All situations are different...

sem613

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 13, 2014, 9:15 PM

I think the accepted is whichever one of them lives out of town travels.
if they both live in big communities where the norm is not to travel out of, I think the boy travels.
at the same time, if shes on vacation and he's in finals or can't take off or whatever, it makes more sense for her to do it.
I actually once had a boy ask me to travel about 45 minutes to closer to him for a 2nd date since we lived about 2 hours away from each other and he was insanely busy and didnt have time to drive 2 hours each way and have a decent date.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 13, 2014, 11:11 PM

It's just so weird. I just get such mixed reviews and I feel like almost desperate in a way that I have to travel for my first date to see a guy. It just doesn't make sense! But yet again, we live in a completely different era of dating..

I have done it before just curious if others do it too.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 13, 2014, 11:33 PM

the first girl that was redd to my brother lived an 18 hr flight away! He said no because he didn't see the point in looking so far for a shidduch and he felt bad making a girl travel that far... bottom line is, 14 girls later (over the span of a year, during which he did most of the travelling) he finally agreed to go out with her... in this case it made more sense for her to travel so she made the crazy long trip and...... their kids are adorable 😉

so traveling for a guy is not a sign of desperation... it's called hishtadlus!

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tsRight

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 14, 2014, 8:37 AM

I traveled 4 hours for a first date once. he was incredibly busy with work and we talked on the phone first. It was a fun date and he was going to travel to my city for another one but I said no. He was not for me

sem613

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 14, 2014, 11:09 AM

Quote from waiting game on January 13, 2014, 11:33 PM
the first girl that was redd to my brother lived an 18 hr flight away! He said no because he didn't see the point in looking so far for a shidduch and he felt bad making a girl travel that far... bottom line is, 14 girls later (over the span of a year, during which he did most of the travelling) he finally agreed to go out with her... in this case it made more sense for her to travel so she made the crazy long trip and...... their kids are adorable 😉

that is a great story waiting game, and also a good lesson, that we shouldnt just say no for practical reasons, cuz you just never know

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 14, 2014, 7:52 PM

I agree- cute story waiting game, puts things into a diff perspective.

I didn't mean desperation- sorry bad wording, although I do feel that in way. But its more of the respectful thing and that the guy should be coming to the girl first. But yeah, I am open minded but friends have said you're crazy and that no matter what the guy should be going to you. I see both sides and it has its pros and cons.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 14, 2014, 9:26 PM

It depends how far we're talking about, but for under or about 4 hours (by car) it's mentchlach for the guy to travel to the girl for at least the first date. If that's not possible, can they meet somewhere halfway? It's mentchlach for the girl to travel to the guy next date, and it works out nicely if they can meet halfway for subsequent dates. Every other works well, or if either of them can afford it, stay over the weekend and get in multiple dates. There is no rule, and the key is to be flexible. Like many have said, if he can afford more time away or she can afford more time away...that party should try to make it easier on the other. You're in this together; you should both be invested in making it happen.

chaykie

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 14, 2014, 9:26 PM

what i call desperation is girls moving to lkwd/bkln cuz that's the only place they're worth even looking at. i actually know of someone who (fairly) recently moved there and is engaged to a boy from totally somewhere else...
i refuse to stoop to the low levels of society around us and base my value upon my geographic location. if i'm supposed to marry a lkwd boy, he'll marry me whether i live there or not.
but to answer the original question- i have gone out of town (that's actually NJ once- yes NJ is out of town for me 🙂 ) two times. i dated 3 out of the 8 guys i've dated all together. I see no problem with it, whereas my father rlly has something against it. He says that really the boy is supposed to seek girl, as stated in (insert here name of Holy text where this comes from- i'm not so sure myself).. Personally, I just feel- the whole basis of the relationship is to give in, be flexible, want peace for the each other...I feel like this isn't worth making a big deal over. if i fly in first, he'll fly in next and we'll keep switching off, as long as we need to. I don't like putting up fusses over such things.

me21

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 16, 2014, 12:08 PM

Quote from chaykie on January 14, 2014, 9:26 PM
what i call desperation is girls moving to lkwd/bkln cuz that's the only place they're worth even looking at. i actually know of someone who (fairly) recently moved there and is engaged to a boy from totally somewhere else...
i refuse to stoop to the low levels of society around us and base my value upon my geographic location. if i'm supposed to marry a lkwd boy, he'll marry me whether i live there or not.
but to answer the original question- i have gone out of town (that's actually NJ once- yes NJ is out of town for me 🙂 ) two times. i dated 3 out of the 8 guys i've dated all together. I see no problem with it, whereas my father rlly has something against it. He says that really the boy is supposed to seek girl, as stated in (insert here name of Holy text where this comes from- i'm not so sure myself).. Personally, I just feel- the whole basis of the relationship is to give in, be flexible, want peace for the each other...I feel like this isn't worth making a big deal over. if i fly in first, he'll fly in next and we'll keep switching off, as long as we need to. I don't like putting up fusses over such things.

however, arguing with reality won't make the ideal happen. the reality is that boys have lists and lists and if they don't know you over another girl they will choose who is more convenient if you're both pretty much the same on paper and with a few phonecalls. I know I would do that if I was a boy...not cuz I would think I'm better than the girls cuz I have more names...only cuz the reality is that I don't want to miss 2 days of learning for a girl that seems the same as 3 others!

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 18, 2014, 7:53 PM

Quote from chaykie on January 14, 2014, 9:26 PM
what i call desperation is girls moving to lkwd/bkln cuz that's the only place they're worth even looking at. i actually know of someone who (fairly) recently moved there and is engaged to a boy from totally somewhere else...
i refuse to stoop to the low levels of society around us and base my value upon my geographic location. if i'm supposed to marry a lkwd boy, he'll marry me whether i live there or not.
but to answer the original question- i have gone out of town (that's actually NJ once- yes NJ is out of town for me 🙂 ) two times. i dated 3 out of the 8 guys i've dated all together. I see no problem with it, whereas my father rlly has something against it. He says that really the boy is supposed to seek girl, as stated in (insert here name of Holy text where this comes from- i'm not so sure myself).. Personally, I just feel- the whole basis of the relationship is to give in, be flexible, want peace for the each other...I feel like this isn't worth making a big deal over. if i fly in first, he'll fly in next and we'll keep switching off, as long as we need to. I don't like putting up fusses over such things.

Thanks for everyone for the input. Chaykie I actually have to disagree with you on the desperation part with moving to lkwd/bklyn, I actually was debating whether or not to go to NY solely based on purposes of finding more boys there ( I decided not to though). The shiddach system is crazy and like Me21 stated the guys have so many girls that why bother. Unfortunately they won't even consider people out of town and in a way I don't blame them because of all the girls they are getting. At the same time, it is ridiculous because if a girl does get redtted to you, at least put in some effort and seeing if its worth trying for a date. Now a days, as soon as the guy sees anywhere other than NY, ( even in NY city guys think Manhattan from brooklyn is even " too far" . So now a days, I don't think anyone is desperate consider how crazy everything is getting!

Do agree about both parties putting in effort! So true.

chaykie

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 27, 2014, 10:24 AM

i dunno. i feel like by all the girls moving to the east coast, we're enabling the boys to do whatever they want with us. date us if we're there, don't if we're not. I feel like we have to stand our ground and not give in to their (and society's) idiocies. I was asked quite a few times if i'd consider moving to the NY area and I just won't. I don't believe it's fair to make us girls drop everything, start life somewhere else, so we can be more geographically desirable. it's something i'm very strong about. Just because the shidduch system is crazy doesn't mean we have to give in to the craziness. There are definitely boys who don't mind travelling, as many of my friends who've stayed home got lkwd/ny guys. i guess if ur looking for a guy with such an ny mentality then i'd hear why u'd move. but for me, i have no desire to marry someone with such a mentality, so I won't go for it.

chaykie

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: January 27, 2014, 10:27 AM

sorry to come across as so harsh- i don't mean any hard feelings on anyone. its just that when it comes to things i'm really annoyed about, well, i get really heated...
if i said anything offensive, i surely didn't mean it to be- and it definitely wasn't aimed at anyone in particular.

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