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Author Topic: Researching
life123

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Post Researching
on: May 2, 2013, 11:26 PM

For the first time, a boy said yes to me, and now it's our turn to do the research. (This is the first time the boy didn't get engaged before they had a chance to research me). My mother thinks my father should just do a little more checking (he asked someone to red the shidduch, so he already did a bit) and that after we date he should do more. I'm really not comfortable with this. It feels sneaky, sort of, but my mother says everyone does this! Plus, I know myself, and if I like him, I'm going to be really upset if I hear people questioning the boy afterwards. I want them to ok it and then leave it to me. And if I'm not sure if I like him, I don't want research to be swaying me - I can just picture it - I'll be over-analyzing the date and using the info to push myself. I don't want to be in that situation.
So what do you think?

yitti

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 3:55 PM

Hi there, so basically you told your parents what you think and your mother responded that that's whats done. But you still don't feel comfortable about it. Is there a shadchan involved? What is the relationship of the person whom your father asked to redt the shidduch? If you can talk yourself to the shadchan and tell him how you feel perhaps they can relay that to your parents leaving you completely out of the picture. Another idea would be tell your parents that you want to know more about the boy before you date him..which means that somebody either you or them would have to inquire more about him. Good Luck..I hope this helps and keep us posted!

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:01 PM

The question in checking is, is this a normal healthy person, to whom you would be a good and suitable wife, who has potential to be a good husband? If he thinks so, and you think so, you should go out, and don't worry about what people will say.
Plus, I know myself, and if I like him, I'm going to be really upset if I hear people questioning the boy afterwards.
If you've never dated before, how can you know how you will react? 🙂
It's possible that iIf you like him you may not care what people say afterwards, as long as it's not something terrible.
Also, I'm pretty sure everyone over-analyzes the first date. Just relax and enjoy it. I hope you find your zivug hagun very soon! Hatzlacha Rabba!

life123

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:04 PM

yitti - The shadchan is a rebbi in the boys yeshiva who I have never met or spoken to. I spoke to my parents and they are doing more checking - I just want them to be finished before I start dating.
patcha - The reason I'm worried is because my parents have, in the past, mentioned negative things about friends and other people, and it always ruins the way I see them. I don't want to date until I know that my parents will accept him - I don't want them iffing afterwards.

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:11 PM

patcha - The reason I'm worried is because my parents have, in the past, mentioned negative things about friends and other people, and it always ruins the way I see them. I don't want to date until I know that my parents will accept him - I don't want them iffing afterwards.

I am worried about you because what if he's a great boy for you and then they find out his father wears blue shirts, you're sayin gthat you would then not enjoy being with him? It's dangerous imho to date if you feel like that. Your parents can be your most important allies in shidduchim, but you are going to need to make decisions on your own. They aren't you and can't think for you. Maybe you have a mentor you can talk to about it?

life123

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:18 PM

If it was something like his father wearing blue shirts it wouldn't bother me or my parents. They are reasonable people! If they weren't I wouldn't be thinking about it - because they understand people and could have reasonable arguments. I don't want to date a guy and then find out things, I want it to be ok FIRST. I think my parents are just still lukewarm about this shidduchim business and aren't expecting things to go anywhere just yet. By the way, WHAT does imho mean? (My mentor would NEVER check after the family says yes, its totally not her family way.)

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:22 PM

Quote from life123 on May 4, 2013, 10:18 PM
If it was something like his father wearing blue shirts it wouldn't bother me or my parents. They are reasonable people! If they weren't I wouldn't be thinking about it - because they understand people and could have reasonable arguments. I don't want to date a guy and then find out things, I want it to be ok FIRST. I think my parents are just still lukewarm about this shidduchim business and aren't expecting things to go anywhere just yet. By the way, WHAT does imho mean? (My mentor would NEVER check after the family says yes, its totally not her family way.)

What kind of things are you worried about finding about?
(imho = in my humble opinion. 🙂 )
It sounds like your parents don't really think you're ready for shidduchim? What do you think?

life123

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:31 PM

I think is more like they aren't ready for me, not so much as they don't think i'm ready....

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:34 PM

Quote from life123 on May 4, 2013, 10:31 PM
I think is more like they aren't ready for me, not so much as they don't think i'm ready....

They don't want to let go? You must be a very good daughter... 🙂

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:37 PM

So you're worried that because your parents aren't ready to let you go, they may look for faults in the person you've dating after you've already met him, and that will ruin it for you?

life123

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:40 PM

Yes, and they may be reasonable about it. I know that every person has faults, but no one wants to hear them about the person they are dating unless they are looking for excuses.

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:51 PM

Maybe someone else should weigh in here, but I don't think you should be scared of finding out his faults. In fact, i personally think it is important to be somewhat aware of the faults of your date, or at least of the fact that he probably has faults, being human and all - it means you're not just infatuated. It's more important to know what faults you care about, and who you can handle hearing about it from.

Maybe you can tell your parents, "Father, Mother, I know you really care about me and want what's best for me. I understand that you are concerned about X Y Z issue. However, I have already met him, and I like him, and I want to think positively about him. I find that it makes it hard for me to think positively about him when I hear this criticism from you, since I value your opinion so much. Would you mind sharing your concerns with my mentor, who will then tell me about it?"

What do you think of that? Would they be open to that?

life123

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:55 PM

It's definitely something to keep in mind, thanks for the advice.

patcha

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 4, 2013, 10:57 PM

My pleasure 😀

basmelech

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Post Re: Researching
on: May 12, 2013, 5:08 PM

patcha that was great advice! was thinking how to respond, but couldn't have said it better myself. 🙂

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