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Author Topic: Red Flags in Checking
TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 7:52 PM

Hi everyone, so there's this boy who's father has been checking into me for like the last 2 weeks (and I know this because my references have told me), and my mother and I are getting worried about it. Basically, he's been asking A LOT of questions and grilling all my references for over 30 mins and I have really good references so they've been saying good things. Despite this, he keeps asking them for names of more references that aren't on my resume and who have known me in the past etc. and he even calling a prominent Rabbi in my city whose shiurim I have gone to and I've asked him sheilos a couple of times!

My mother said it's not normal (I have brothers and she has had to check on girls for them obv, but she said it's over the top and he sounds crazy.)

The shadchan called us today and said that the son sounds very interested, but the father wants to contact a mentor I had from high school. I didn't have a mentor in high school, and I gave him a lot of other references from seminary and beyond. (And he's asked my seminary references if they could give him some others.)

The boy does not live at home and they live in a very out of town city. If I went out with him and things ended up working out, I would probably barely ever have to see the father.

Do any of you have any experience or insights into this type of situation?

(**Obviously I would not base my entire decision on this site, but I just want to glean some opinions of people who've been in the parsha for a while.)
Thanks

laykay

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:07 PM

Sounds a bit frightening! Research is impt but calling all ur references for 2 months is a bit much!! Sounds like the father is kind of obsessive and maybe controlling. Def keep it in mind if u date him but I would be scared. Even if boy x live with him it could have certainly effected him growing up!

life123

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:08 PM

Did the family marry off any kids before? If no, maybe its that he's scared to lose his first kid... if not they have had a broken engagement, bad marriage with one of their ids - when you research maybe you should check what the reason fro all this is.

iThink

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:18 PM

Life123 makes some good points. Could be something, could be nothing. I'd look into it and see if anyone can explain this. Definitely wouldn't walk away from it yet.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:19 PM

Quote from laykay on July 11, 2013, 8:07 PM
Sounds a bit frightening! Research is impt but calling all ur references for 2 months is a bit much!! Sounds like the father is kind of obsessive and maybe controlling. Def keep it in mind if u date him but I would be scared. Even if boy x live with him it could have certainly effected him growing up!

Thanks for responding! *It was 2 weeks though, sorry don't know if I made that clear. That isn't such a long time, but the extent of his checking is intense!! Yeah that's exactly what his father sounds like. My mother thinks we should say no, but I trust this shadchan and think she's very sharp, normal and caring, and if she suggested this boy, then he probably is a lot like what I'm looking for. I haven't made up my mind yet, tho. I'm still waiting for a yes, and then I have to check into him. I didn't think of the effect it could have had on him growing up tho. Thanks for making that important point!

Also, life123, I don't know, I didn't check into him yet...But I will definitely ask about those things (or tell my mother to) when we do research.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:25 PM

Quote from iThink on July 11, 2013, 8:18 PM
Life123 makes some good points. Could be something, could be nothing. I'd look into it and see if anyone can explain this. Definitely wouldn't walk away from it yet.

My mother thinks it means the father is "a nut" but I think she was being slightly melodramtic lol. You're right tho, it could just mean that he is really worried that his son should get a good girl or the reasons life123 gave...
I don't want to walk away from it either - I want to give it a shot (or a thorough research). I told my mother if it's not meant to be, it won't work out... But If he says yes then I will check into him instead of just saying no straight away bec of the dads' methods of research.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:28 PM

Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? What ended up happening?

iThink

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:38 PM

Quote from TryToDoWhatsRight on July 11, 2013, 8:28 PM
Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? What ended up happening?

Yeah, kind of. But things were the other way around. There were good reasons but I wouldn't have blamed the boy or his parents if they felt it was too much and walked.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:39 PM

The father is acting like trying to find dirt...

iThink

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 8:44 PM

Maybe he got burned once before? Maybe the father is overly thorough and doesn't realize how people look at this kind of investigation. Maybe he is, in fact, a nut but his son isn't. Maybe they both are. If you feel like there might be something worth checking out about this boy, give it a shot.

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:01 PM

You're right, and those guesses are pretty intuitive! I wouldn't be surprised if one of them was it. If they say yes, i amd def going to check into him. Thanks!

far rock-
gal

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:07 PM

I actually had something sort of similar. My name was given to the boys mother and she checked me out for quite a few months!! I don't know how intensely she grilled each reference, but she called alot of people!! Finally they gave a "yes". When my parents asked the shadchan for his info and references, the mother was shocked that we wanted to check it out.my parents ended up asking someone that knew him,and i went out with him. The date went ok. Basically, the guy didn't even give it a second date. All that searching and he wouldn't give it a second try!
After, i asked a friend who knows the boys family, and was told that they are such nice people and the mother is the sweetest woman ever. I guess ppl are just extremely over protective about who their sons go out with!

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:19 PM

Could be... 😉 But this boy is a working boy...so it's not like he's gonna be a rosh yeshiva or anything! Why is his father checking into me like his son is the next gedol hador??

shaynapuni-
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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:23 PM

Is the boy's mother in the picture? Why is his father doing the research in the first place?

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gal

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:23 PM

Sorry, this boy was working and learning part time. I guess they just think very highly of their sons

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 9:47 PM

Quote from shaynapunim on July 11, 2013, 9:23 PM
Is the boy's mother in the picture? Why is his father doing the research in the first place?

Very good point. My mother said the same thing...

life123

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 11, 2013, 10:46 PM

When you think about it, chances are they are getting lots of "she's sweet and wonderful" and are looking for something concrete... or something specific that is important for their son... did you ask your references if tehy asked anything unusual?

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 9:07 AM

Yeah, they asked a lot of funny questions like "what's our shabbos table like; Are my clothes tight? (This is the Father asking! Etc..."

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 9:09 AM

Just a lot a lot of questions... One of my references told me she spoke to him for over a half an hour. And my other ones told me that he asked them a ton of questions.

patcha

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 9:12 AM

This is only normal for Chassidish people.
You should do some digging and find out if everything is okay. People who think other people have something to hide are generally hiding something.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 9:14 AM

It's funny TryToDoWhatsRight, I have a simliar situation too where a boy is checking into my references and its been over two weeks. So not sure whats happening with that.. but he was asking all sorta of questions, same thing Are my clothes tight? What's her best middah, whats her worst middah ( even though, who asks these questions! I mean come on that's only for Hashem to decide whats my best and worst middah lol) He also asks for mentors/teachers I am close with. He has plenty of references and the goal of refs is to find out plain and simple if I'm a nice normal person with no criminal background. These days they go so far into research and trying to find out every little detail, in my opinion its crazy.

laykay

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 10:50 AM

It is crazy! And I agree with patcha! The ones who are always suspicious of others are usually the ones at fault!

On the other hand, what do u think of a guy who doesn't do research at all, and jut trusts the Shadchan/friend that's redding it that the girl is normal and sees for himself? Is that weird?

daysfan24

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 11:44 AM

I don't think so because sometimes the boy may really trust the shadchan/friend and really value his or her opinion. It depends on the situation. In general, I think there's a split, some guys do and some guys don't.

Sari

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 12:42 PM

Quote from daysfan24 on July 12, 2013, 9:14 AM
It's funny TryToDoWhatsRight, I have a simliar situation too where a boy is checking into my references and its been over two weeks. So not sure whats happening with that.. but he was asking all sorta of questions, same thing Are my clothes tight? What's her best middah, whats her worst middah ( even though, who asks these questions! I mean come on that's only for Hashem to decide whats my best and worst middah lol) He also asks for mentors/teachers I am close with. He has plenty of references and the goal of refs is to find out plain and simple if I'm a nice normal person with no criminal background. These days they go so far into research and trying to find out every little detail, in my opinion its crazy.

lol maybe he's taking so long because he's trying to figure out which one of you to go out with 😀 😀 😀 😀

daysfan24

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 1:00 PM

Lol, I was actually gonna say that in my last post, Sari! Maybe its the same guy!! Haha, that would be really really funny... Definitely not surprising..

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 2:24 PM

LOL guys! 😀 But on a serious note, that makes a lot of sense. Soon he'll see what it's like 😛 I'm gonna do a lot of digging!

daysfan24

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: July 12, 2013, 4:49 PM

That'll girl!! Good luck, Hope you find only good things though! 😉

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: September 27, 2013, 6:35 AM

I actually have a friend who was engaged to a guy whose father was insane and controlling. The engagement almost broke off because of how interfering he was. Eventually they got rabbanim involved, the father calmed down, and they are now happily married.

It does sound like this boy's father is a little over the top. That could be a serious consideration later on, but in the meantime, if he says yes after all the research I would at least give it a try. It's something to watch out for but shouldn't be a "deal-breaker".

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tsRight

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Post Re: Red Flags in Checking
on: September 28, 2013, 8:06 PM

Hey - so update: We said no after he asked for yet ANOTHER reference from high school. I'm glad we did...it's not worth it.

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