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Author Topic: Not Hurting My Friend
getmeadate

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Post Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 1, 2013, 11:38 PM

I have this friend/acquaintance and I am starting to realize that she has a real issue. She doesn't seem to realize that some people are in a higher social standing then others.
I was once talking to her about shidduchim for her Brother who is a quiet nice boy and she was mentioning names that were just a joke, like the coolest most popular girls, doesn't she realize that there is no way in the world they would want to marry him? i
And it's the same way with her, she seems to want to marry the coolest boy but she doesn't seem to realize that such a boy wouldn't like her at all!
How do I tell this to her? Or shouldn't I?

daysfan24

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 12:09 AM

Well you did group this girl into two categories friend/acquaintance, which makes it sound like your'e not the closest. I wouldn't say anything, unless you would think she would really listen. It doesn't sound like she would, if she's in this dream world... I don't know, it also doesn't sound like shes the most maturest either just from the sounds of it and how you described her. Do you think she's ready to get married if she's living in a non-reality world?

Truth is, people have to experience things and learn from it on their own. Dating is definitely one of those things. Eventually she will realize on her own that not everything is so black and white.

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 11:14 AM

"Real issue"?

She was making casual chit chat about her brother's dating life; no one is redding anything anytime soon. And as much you believe the "coolest, popular girls" wouldn't want him, he probably wouldn't want them, either. He'll marry whoever he will marry. So she said.

In my experience, many singles like to exaggerate to their friends what they expect and want. Girls like to do that, "Oh, he'll be tall and gorgeous . . ." yet are very happy with their short and average looking chosson three months later.

There is no need to tell her anything. Let her talk.

Keep in mind, translations as to "cool" differ. Her "cool" may not be your "cool." She could still end up with a "cool" guy, who's "cool" to her.

in the gap

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 12:46 PM

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Stranger things have happened then the most popular girl marrying the nerdiest boy, and there is no reason to assume that it won't happen. Hashem has the ability to allow every person to marry the one that is best for him/her and often what one considers a bad shidduch due to externals will be switched when the parties involved actually look into each other.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 1:02 PM

Quote from in the gap on August 2, 2013, 12:46 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Stranger things have happened then the most popular girl marrying the nerdiest boy, and there is no reason to assume that it won't happen. Hashem has the ability to allow every person to marry the one that is best for him/her and often what one considers a bad shidduch due to externals will be switched when the parties involved actually look into each other.

True that!! Agreed 100%

getmeadate

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 5:29 PM

Quote from Princess Lea on August 2, 2013, 11:14 AM
"Real issue"?

She was making casual chit chat about her brother's dating life; no one is redding anything anytime soon. And as much you believe the "coolest, popular girls" wouldn't want him, he probably wouldn't want them, either. He'll marry whoever he will marry. So she said.

In my experience, many singles like to exaggerate to their friends what they expect and want. Girls like to do that, "Oh, he'll be tall and gorgeous . . ." yet are very happy with their short and average looking chosson three months later.

There is no need to tell her anything. Let her talk.

Keep in mind, translations as to "cool" differ. Her "cool" may not be your "cool." She could still end up with a "cool" guy, who's "cool" to her.

She wasn't making a casual chit chat she was going the yearbook with me helping me find girls for him

She wasn't exaggerating, I know that she told someone she wanted someone like blank's husband ... who is way out of her "social standing"

dance4ever

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 2, 2013, 6:13 PM

chillax....of course you shouldnt say anything....deep down most reg. people are fully aware of their social standing...but all girls get dreamy sometimes 🙂 allow her the right to girl-hood

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 4, 2013, 6:06 PM

Quote from dance4ever on August 2, 2013, 6:13 PM
chillax....of course you shouldnt say anything....deep down most reg. people are fully aware of their social standing...but all girls get dreamy sometimes 🙂 allow her the right to girl-hood

I agree with dance4ever.
And even if she doesn't realize, when it comes down to it and these boys for her/ girls for her brother say no, she'll see it for herself. I would definitely not tell her though. It will probably make her feel very bad and insecure. She'll see reason eventually.

lukshenkug-
el

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 4, 2013, 11:43 PM

I have a similar situation with a friend of mine- her whole family is the same way. They all think they are gorgeous, smart and amazing catches and in my opinion, they are nothing close to that. They all constantly make comments about people who are suggested and how they deserve so much better etc etc. It really bothers me and I wish I could say something but I never do because they are so convinced, there is really no point. I finally figured out why it bothered me so much! getmeadate- I think the reason it's so bothersome is because as young girls, many of us wish we had a little more confidence especially those of us who really have no reason not to be confident and it's annoying when someone who should be a lot less confident than us seems sooooooo confident. To be honest, I think people like that really have no confidence and are trying to fool the world and even themselves that they deserve that. I say just ignore them and hopefully they will one day gain the real confidence they need to get past that!

life123

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 5, 2013, 12:01 AM

getmeadate- I don't think you should just say anything, but if your friend repeats that kind of comment, say something like, "Oh, they're family isn't really your type. They only marry people like xxx, for example ..." xxx being someone who your friend doesn't especially care for, or didn't have a relationship with, and give an example of someone they married that obviously is not your friends type. For example, if she thinks her brother should marry a rosh yeshiva's daughter, point out the fact that her sibling married a wealthy person who she went to school with/knows of but never got to know. I'm sure there is someone that you can think of as an example. You don't have to represent it as levels - just not the type.

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 5, 2013, 12:02 PM

Quote from getmeadate on August 2, 2013, 5:29 PM

Quote from Princess Lea on August 2, 2013, 11:14 AM
"Real issue"?

She was making casual chit chat about her brother's dating life; no one is redding anything anytime soon. And as much you believe the "coolest, popular girls" wouldn't want him, he probably wouldn't want them, either. He'll marry whoever he will marry. So she said.

In my experience, many singles like to exaggerate to their friends what they expect and want. Girls like to do that, "Oh, he'll be tall and gorgeous . . ." yet are very happy with their short and average looking chosson three months later.

There is no need to tell her anything. Let her talk.

Keep in mind, translations as to "cool" differ. Her "cool" may not be your "cool." She could still end up with a "cool" guy, who's "cool" to her.

She wasn't making a casual chit chat she was going the yearbook with me helping me find girls for him

She wasn't exaggerating, I know that she told someone she wanted someone like blank's husband ... who is way out of her "social standing"

Cookie, it is very easy to be honest for someone else. Don't think in the deepest dark of night I've had those same thoughts myself, and then realized, "Hey! I'm not up to someone else's 'social standing' either."

Again, so she was flipping through the yearbook. Anyone redding it? And if someone does, then she'll say no or he'll say no or whatever. It's a pretty harmless way to spend the afternoon.

As for so-and-so's hubby, again, we all have our fantasies. A good friend lets her buddy act them out in a safe way. As her friend, she thinks you are a safe conduit to vent her imagination on. You wouldn't believe how many women in their 60s talk to my mother the same way. They just want to talk, and they know she'll keep their ravings safe.

feigy123

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Post Re: Not Hurting My Friend
on: August 5, 2013, 11:29 PM

Marriage is not a popularity contest. Cool boys don't necessarily marry cool girls. And not sure why either would want to.

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