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Author Topic: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
Britni W

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Post Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 17, 2014, 8:41 PM

I am a 22 year old Baalat Teshuvah. I am not ready for a shidduch yet, but I suspect that by the time I leave my current university, in a little over two years, I will be. I am pursuing a degree in biology, and will likely be going on to graduate school, possibly to be a veterinarian.

My current community is very small; the only observant Jews are the Chabad family and a few other older individuals and couples (no more than 20 or so people in total).

How do I prepare myself for the shidduch scene when I will have so few references in the frum community? I hope to start dating shortly after I leave this town, because by that time I will be about to turn 25.

I want to be able to have a balance of a yiddishkiet home life and be able to work in the goyish world as well. Do you know of any communities where this is encouraged?

I have heard that it can be hard for a Baalat Teshuvah to get a shidduch, is this true?

How well are girls who want to have a career in science accepted by the frum community?

I also wanted to thank you all in advance for your answers.

Britni W

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 17, 2014, 8:51 PM

Oh, and I also have not been to seminary. I am worried that that will hurt me in looking for a good chasson.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 18, 2014, 12:28 AM

I don't know you, but I think a good idea would be to look for a chasson who is at the same stage of life as you.
Meaning, that he is also a baal teshuva and has a degree. There are many positives in this. First of all, he will understand your challenges and where you are coming from.
Something that I love about baal teshuvas is that they are so sincere in their desire to grow and have a relationship with Hashem. Another baal teshuva who is in the same stage of his growth will most likely share these values and that will be the foundation to a solid frum home.

As to having a balanced home full of yiddishkeit and being out in the world, I would recommend finding (if you haven't already) a mentor or rabbi whom you respect, has a lot of life experience, and will help you grow in your yiddishkeit. You should stay close to them wherever you decide to live and they will hopefully guide you in whatever challenges come up.

I don't know which communities are best suited for this, but I imagine most are fine. (With the exception of Lakewood.)

It can be harder for a baal teshuva to find a shidduch, but remember it is hard for the "ffb" girls as well. If you decide to look for a baal teshuva, there should be many more shidduchim redt for you. (I am no expert in this subject so I would ask someone else who might know more information about this. However, this is my common sense talking.)

I don't know if being to seminary will hurt you or not, it depends on what you are looking for in a spouse. However, if you do want to go to seminary, then I would recommend Shearim. It is a program located in Harnof, Jerusalem and is life-changing for the women who go there. You will also develop a support system with women in the same situation as you and the people there may be able to help with finding shidduchim. I have a close family friend who used to work there. She may know more information if you are interested. You can pm me.

As for girls who want a career in science being accepted in to the frum community, I think that it is not a problem. Then again, it of course depends on the community, but I think most communities are open to this.

Good Luck!

howmuchlon-
ger

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 18, 2014, 3:12 PM

Tryingtodowhatsright has alot of good points. A bal teshuvah may have a hard time finding their shidduch, but sometimes they have it easier...

Are you in touch with a Rebbetzin or someone that can help you? Even just to figure out what you want etc and be a reference as well?

Britni W

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 18, 2014, 4:11 PM

Thank you so very much tryingtodowhatsright, your inputs is so comforting. I do not have a mentor or Rabbi right now. I am hoping that I will find one soon that I trust. I have heard about Shearim, and would love to go; I just don't know where I would find the money for that.

howmuchlonger- My only real contact with the frum community is a facebook group (mainly Baalai Teshuvah) and my local Chabad family. I just spoke to my Chabad Rebbetzin about starting a chevrusa on the halachos pertaining to women. I think that will lead to discussions pertaining to shidduchim, but since we have not known each other for very long, I don't want to jump right into the subject.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 18, 2014, 8:20 PM

You must be a very special person if you became frum without a real mentor leading you. I Pm'ed you...

Britni W

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 19, 2014, 12:37 AM

My journey to becoming frum has been a long time coming. I went to a secular Jewish day school for a few years, and a modern orthodox high school for 2 years. I went to Camp Nageela for a few summer's in my teen's, which was the most influential. I think that the main reason it is taking me a longer time then I expected to become completely frum is because I have not had someone guiding and supporting me.
I truly appreciate all the support and feedback I am getting, even in this first day.

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 20, 2014, 11:50 AM

I didn't go to seminary and I'm FFB. While I'm still single, I don't think that is the factor. I think that God knows the right time for my bashert and I to meet.

One thing is definitely in God's hands, and that is marriages. In fact, the only time when it is asked, "What does Hashem do all day?" the answer is, "Make shidduchim."

Your focus should not be that as a BT you will have "a hard time." I don't know who told you such a thing, but sometimes Jews put their feet in their mouth. Please don't take such comments (and their like) seriously.

In terms of "references," that is only a current hysteria. The way dating usually happens is when mutual acquaintances set you up (references shouldn't be needed then) or maybe you will meet someone at a function or event. I don't pay attention to references when I date since I consider them biased (obviously). 😀

As for work-life balance, that is pretty much possible anywhere, really. Jews in general had to often interact with the "outside" world when it came to business dealings and such.

Your degree is so cool! (I'm an animal lover). As for science degrees, Bais Yaakov girls have been going for speech therapy and occupational therapy for some time. Now the "thing" is nursing. I would say you would fit right in.

Britni W

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 21, 2014, 3:54 PM

PrincessLea - thank you so much for your encouragement. I met a lot of Bais Yaakov girls through Nageela, I noticed that they seemed to be encouraged a bit ore than other groups to participate in science related fields.

iThink

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Post Re: Many questions - Baalat Teshuvah
on: February 24, 2014, 9:36 AM

Hi Britni-

I haven't posted here in a looong time but I just wanted to say hi and basically echo what PrincessLea said. Just keep on praying for the right guy, and do your best to find a mentor who can help with shidduchim (and other issues) and from there on you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Nobody gets married because they chose the right seminary, made the right career choice. lives in the right city and comes from the right family. They get married when Hashem says it's the right time. It really is that simple. (BTW, I'm an FFB who didn't go to sem)

If you have any other questions-don't hesitate to ask!

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