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Author Topic: Looks Looks Looks
pray today

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Post Looks Looks Looks
on: April 28, 2013, 8:42 PM

I have this problem that It's very important to me how the boy looks. But when I tell my people why I want to say no they always have some comment to the effect of either looks aren't so important πŸ™„ or you just have to get used to his looks πŸ™„ . It's getting to a point where I just make up reasons why I am saying no (I usually blame it on chemistry) but then I feel bad lying πŸ˜₯ .
I am also starting to question myself that maybe it shouldn't bother me so much. I don't know why it means so much to me, I think it's that I want to be proud of my husband and looks is something that means a lot to me about myself so I want that in my husband also.
Do you think that makes sense ❓
I love these faces btw (thanks sari πŸ˜† )

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Lea

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 1:34 PM

I can't relate, because I don't care about looks. I care about character, and I firmly believe that if someone is a good person it shines in their face.

My theory is that since I don't care about looks, I can be particular about other things. "He doesn't have to be good looking, but he should be ___________." Do you have any other standards besides looks? Because maybe you are seeking the impossible-to-find man.

Additionally, men don't stay handsome forever. You know how many marriage photos I have seen of guys who were slim and had a full head of hair, but in less than five years they were overweight and bald? Being proud of your husband because he is handsomeβ€”a man can't help his looks, anymore than a girl can. Keep in mind I am a heavy makeup user and slather on anti-aging creams every night; I take pride in my appearance, and expect a man to care about his appearance as well, but that is from his own effort, not from genetics.

I prefer to be proud of my iy"H future husband because he is kind, responsible, and (please please please) learned. There are plenty of girls out there who chose a man strictly because of his face; only in a couple of cases was that man still gorgeous 30 years down the line.

It is your choice, but take the future into consideration that the handsome fellow you go for will also be good husband material.

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 3:29 PM

Pray today - I can't tell from your post if you're insisting on a husband that's good looking or gorgeous. There's a very big difference.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 3:43 PM

If a guy "gets" me that outdoes all looks.
pray today, there's nothing wrong with wanting someone handsome. You and only you have to be attracted to your husband. Marriage is hard enough without starting off missing an essential element.
Everyone is going to tell you it doesn't really matter, it's superficial. Eating is also superficial but would you want to eat food you don't like for the rest of your life just because everyone else thinks it's good for you?

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 5:02 PM

In answer to Pray Today: never compromise on attraction. you should never marry someone you're not attracted to. you might think it's looks you're attracted to and focus on that, but attraction is a strange thing. you might meet someone one day that doesnt have the good looks you have in mind, but may find that after going out with him a couple of times, you could suddenly and inexplicably find yourself very attracted to him, even if he's not good looking. attraction depends on many things and his personality, ideas, the way he makes you feel about yourself, etc. has a lot to do with it. so keep an open mind, dont say 'no' on a maybe-keep going out until it's a solid yes or a solid no, and never compromise on attraction. hatzlacha!
I asked my relative who is a social worker and this was her personal advice. If you would like to meet with her I can give you more info. in how to get in touch. Hope you find someone very soon iy"H who you will be good looking/attractive in your eyes. πŸ™‚

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 5:09 PM

I consider attraction to be pretty necessary in itself, and highly necessary as a siman.

That is to say, I think it is absolutely necessary to be attracted to one's spouse. However, I imagine that the attraction also grows as the relationship develops. So while I think it is necessary, I also think there is an extent to which it doesn't matter because it will develop.

But, for the same reason, I take it as a siman that the relationship is not developing. So that if after a number of dates, I still don't feel a strong attraction, I think it means that there is something which is preventing the relationship from developing appropriately.

And by relationship developing, I mean "clicking". See http://www.inshidduchim.com/forums/the-dating-scene-group11/currently-dating-forum42/just-not-clicking-thread305.0/#postid-2984

And I think clicking is necessary because if you aren't, it means there is something holding you back and that something is a problem.

So you see how it all fits together? Isn't it amazing how Hashem makes relationships such a complex whole with intricate facets that complement each other?

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 5:25 PM

Quote from patcha on April 30, 2013, 3:43 PM
...If a guy "gets" me that outdoes all looks.
pray today, there's nothing wrong with wanting someone handsome. You and only you have to be attracted to your husband. Marriage is hard enough without starting off missing an essential element.
Everyone is going to tell you it doesn't really matter, it's superficial. Eating is also superficial but would you want to eat food you don't like for the rest of your life just because everyone else thinks it's good for you?

Well said.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 8:00 PM

Quote from feigy123 on April 30, 2013, 5:09 PM
I consider attraction to be pretty necessary in itself, and highly necessary as a siman.

That is to say, I think it is absolutely necessary to be attracted to one's spouse. However, I imagine that the attraction also grows as the relationship develops. So while I think it is necessary, I also think there is an extent to which it doesn't matter because it will develop.

But, for the same reason, I take it as a siman that the relationship is not developing. So that if after a number of dates, I still don't feel a strong attraction, I think it means that there is something which is preventing the relationship from developing appropriately.
...
So you see how it all fits together? Isn't it amazing how Hashem makes relationships such a complex whole with intricate facets that complement each other?

that was kind of confusing actually.
People always say that it is more important for the guy to be attracted than the girl. do you think that is true? I would say it's somewhat true, but only very slightly. It looks like you rate pure attraction/clicking way above anything else, and use it as a way to evaluate the relationship, but you would be the exception from most girls I know.
Also, how far can a dating relationship develop, by definition?

iThink: thanks. πŸ™‚

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 8:59 PM

Quote from patcha on April 30, 2013, 8:00 PM

that was kind of confusing actually.
People always say that it is more important for the guy to be attracted than the girl. do you think that is true? I would say it's somewhat true, but only very slightly.

No, I don't see why that would be true. I think for guys, attraction is more related to physical attributes, while for girls it is more related to the rest of him, but I don't see why attraction in abstract would be more important for one than for the other.

Quote from patcha on April 30, 2013, 8:00 PM
It looks like you rate pure attraction/clicking way above anything else, and use it as a way to evaluate the relationship, but you would be the exception from most girls I know.

It depends what you mean by that. I consider it very important because I use it as a way to evaluate the relationship as a whole. In that vein, I consider it an absolute deal breaker.

What is different about attraction/clicking than other characteristics, is that I view attraction/clicking in a purely binary fashion. That is, once I am attracted enough and clicking enough, I simply "check the box" and consider that taken care of.

On the other hand, with other characteristics there is a sliding scale, and more of one can outweigh less of another--because I'm not going to find the guy who has exactly the right amount of everything. So I'm looking for a guy who is into hiking, I might be willing to forgo the hiking if he's really everything else I'm looking for.

Quote from patcha on April 30, 2013, 8:00 PM
Also, how far can a dating relationship develop, by definition?

It depends on your community's dating norms.
If you are chassidish and have a beshow, then it cannot develop at all. If you are dating israeli chareidim and expect to get engaged after 2-3 dates, it also cannot develop very much. In which case the absence of feelings is not notable, and I would ignore them.

In the circles I date though, it is customary to date 12-14 times over a span of 6-8 weeks with lots of phone calls in between. And you really can develop a relationship during that time. And if I'm not feeling it after 7-9 dates, then I know something is wrong with the relationship.

It is popular for people to call that relationship "fake", and to claim that "real love is only after marriage". I don't care much for wordplay and semantics, so I'll just say that I'm looking for the "vayehav" that Yaakov had for Rochel before they were married, and for the "ahavas k'lulosayich" that klal yisroel had for Hashem and which is real enough to be a moshol for the zchus for the geulah.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:16 PM

Quote from feigy123 on April 30, 2013, 8:59 PM
No, I don't see why that would be true. I think for guys, attraction is more related to physical attributes, while for girls it is more related to the rest of him, but I don't see why attraction in abstract would be more important for one than for the other.

I see what you're saying, good point about attraction in the abstract.

It depends what you mean by that. I consider it very important because I use it as a way to evaluate the relationship as a whole. In that vein, I consider it an absolute deal breaker.

What is different about attraction/clicking than other characteristics, is that I view attraction/clicking in a purely binary fashion. That is, once I am attracted enough and clicking enough, I simply "check the box" and consider that taken care of.

But didn't you say that you expect to become more attracted as the dating relationship goes on. That doesn't seem binary.

It depends on your community's dating norms.
If you are chassidish and have a beshow, then it cannot develop at all. If you are dating israeli chareidim and expect to get engaged after 2-3 dates, it also cannot develop very much. In which case the absence of feelings is not notable, and I would ignore them.

In the circles I date though, it is customary to date 12-14 times over a span of 6-8 weeks with lots of phone calls in between. And you really can develop a relationship during that time. And if I'm not feeling it after 7-9 dates, then I know something is wrong with the relationship.

It is popular for people to call that relationship "fake", and to claim that "real love is only after marriage". I don't care much for wordplay and semantics, so I'll just say that I'm looking for the "vayehav" that Yaakov had for Rochel before they were married, and for the "ahavas k'lulosayich" that klal yisroel had for Hashem and which is real enough to be a moshol for the zchus for the geulah.

See my comment above about how this seems self-contradictory.

I agree that the relationship is essential. if I am not interested in a person after one, max 2 or even 3 dates, I wouldn't date them 7-9 times without feeling some interest, even if they are perfect on paper. I don't get how you say that you would date someone 7-9 times w/o feeling something, but insist that that same feeling is essential for marriage.

Does anyone else get what is confusing me about this? Maybe I'm not explaining it well.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:25 PM

Quote from feigy123 on April 30, 2013, 8:59 PM

If you are chassidish and have a beshow, then it cannot develop at all..............................
It is popular for people to call that relationship "fake", and to claim that "real love is only after marriage" I don't care much for wordplay and semantics, so I'll just say that I'm looking for the "vayehav" that Yaakov had for Rochel before they were married.

Just for the record I believe Yakov loved Rochel after "Chasidish style dating" meaning right he met her πŸ˜‰

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:26 PM

lol Bracha that was cute πŸ™‚

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:38 PM

patcha:

I'll try to explain better. What I mean by binary is that if there is enough attraction, then additional attraction won't add anything, and if there is not enough attraction, then nothing will convince me to move forward.

And yes, the attraction does grow as you date more--if it is growing. So I'll never get engaged unless it has hit a tipping threshold, and if it doesn't look like it's growing, then I'll move on. However, I don't expect to feel much of anything after 2-3 dates, which explains why I said 7-9.

I think I'm talking about something different than you are. You are expecting something which is either immediately there or not so. I am talking about something which develops along with your relationship.

Bracha: That passuk is after Yaakov had already lived with lavan for "chodesh yamim".

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:45 PM

Quote from feigy123 on April 30, 2013, 9:38 PM
patcha:
I'll try to explain better. What I mean by binary is that if there is enough attraction, then additional attraction won't add anything, and if there is not enough attraction, then nothing will convince me to move forward.

I see. You threw me off with the term "binary".

And yes, the attraction does grow as you date more--if it is growing. So I'll never get engaged unless it has hit a tipping threshold, and if it doesn't look like it's growing, then I'll move on. However, I don't expect to feel much of anything after 2-3 dates, which explains why I said 7-9.

I think I'm talking about something different than you are. You are expecting something which is either immediately there or not so. I am talking about something which develops along with your relationship.

I still don't get how if you don't feel much of anything you would go to 7-9. Unless that is to say, not much of anything = enough initial attraction? If you don't at least have some interest why would you date them any longer?

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:49 PM

Quote from patcha on April 30, 2013, 9:45 PM

I still don't get how if you don't feel much of anything you would go to 7-9. Unless that is to say, not much of anything = enough initial attraction?

Correct.
Obviously, if I find them uninteresting, or I hate being with them, or not compatible for some hashkafic or practical reason, or whatever, I'll stop going out with them. I'm talking about romantic feelings here, and that I don't expect to have right away.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:53 PM

Okay, that makes sense.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 9:54 PM

Quote from feigy123 on April 30, 2013, 9:38 PM
. Bracha: That passuk is after Yaakov had already lived with lavan for "chodesh yamim".

Yeah I just looked it up seems your right πŸ™‚ Sorry

pray today

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 11:51 PM

Wow thanks everyone for your responses!

Quote from iThink on April 30, 2013, 3:29 PM
Pray today - I can't tell from your post if you're insisting on a husband that's good looking or gorgeous. There's a very big difference.

I think it's a statistic that prettier girls are attracted to more handsome boys. Nobody knows me here so no need to try to be "modest" I'm very pretty and I'm subconsciously looking (I think) for someone that is "quite" good looking. Again, I'm not sure if it's just that I'm only attracted to very good looking boys or if it's more than that...

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: April 30, 2013, 11:54 PM

pray today: I'm not aware of any such statistic. People tend to be attracted to and marry those who are similar to themselves, but women tend to be prettier than men, and attractive couples tend to give birth to daughters. Those statistics I know.

I hope you find your Prince Charming very soon at the right time!

sarala

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 12:30 AM

A very good rule of thumb for if looks bother you:
continue to go out till at least 4 dates. If it still bothers you then, then stop- b/c you must "find chein". but in many cases after a while you not only can see past the looks, but even love it!

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 10:05 AM

Quote from pray today on April 30, 2013, 11:51 PM
Wow thanks everyone for your responses!

Quote from iThink on April 30, 2013, 3:29 PM
Pray today - I can't tell from your post if you're insisting on a husband that's good looking or gorgeous. There's a very big difference.

I think it's a statistic that prettier girls are attracted to more handsome boys. Nobody knows me here so no need to try to be "modest" I'm very pretty and I'm subconsciously looking (I think) for someone that is "quite" good looking. Again, I'm not sure if it's just that I'm only attracted to very good looking boys or if it's more than that...

Okay, pretty girl :-), here's what I think: First off, you absolutely have a right to want a good looking husband. Don't apologize for that, and don't feel guilty. But (you knew there was a but coming...)this need has nothing to do with your looks, and everything to do with a very basic ingredient in a happy marriage: mutual attraction. Instead of looking for a guy who kind of "measures up" to you in looks, just look for that guy who you find attractive. It's not about whether a couple is equal or unequal in beauty. It's about whether they each see the other as being beautiful.

I've never heard of the statistic that you mentioned, and from what I can tell most girls will know a handsome guy when they see it, regardless of their own looks. Just daven that Hashem should make your future husband beautiful in your eyes. It doesn't matter if a guy is "considered" good looking or average or whatever; what matters is that you should find him beautiful-inside and outside.

I hope you find that special guy soon, and may he be every bit as gorgeous -inside and out-as you imagined. πŸ™‚

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 11:34 AM

I want to apologize for my above comment about Yaakov Avinu. It was inappropriate. Bracha, please edit your post and I am going to delete it.
Another point is that it says about Yitzchak Χ•Χ™Χ§Χ— Χ™Χ¦Χ—Χ§ אΧͺ Χ¨Χ‘Χ§Χ” ויאהבה. (copied from daat) so love comes after marriage.
Also, when you're younger, you are attracted to people more easily. But the more people you date, the harder it is to find someone who will attract you

laykay

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 12:11 PM

Pray today - I can relate to u! I am also bh pretty (or so they say πŸ˜› ) and when I first started dating I was so shallow and I thought I could only like a good looking guy but I learned very quickly that externals easily fade away! A good looking guy can suddenly seem repulsive if he's stuck up and arrogant and a guy whose very average looking can have a lot of Chen if he is sweet and down to earth! Trust me!! U will see when u fall for a guy his looks will appeal to u depending on his character! This is full proof! If u are truly attracted to someone the inner attraction will take over! If u are repulsed by a Guys looks then there is most likely a deeper reason!

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 2:58 PM

Quote from patcha on May 1, 2013, 11:34 AM

Another point is that it says about Yitzchak Χ•Χ™Χ§Χ— Χ™Χ¦Χ—Χ§ אΧͺ Χ¨Χ‘Χ§Χ” ויאהבה. (copied from daat) so love comes after marriage.

Not a good raiah. He had only just met her like that day.

Besides, why would you ignore the other psukim and focus only on this one.

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tsRight

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 4:03 PM

Also when you're younger, you are attracted to people more easily. But the more people you date, the harder it is to find someone who will attract you

Do you think that is because when you are younger and fresh into dating, you are suddenly exposed to the world of men, so they will appear more attractive to you? Whereas, when you are a "seasoned" dater, you are used to talking to/spending time with guys so it is harder and takes more to attract you?

Just an idea...

Anyone have any thoughts or opinions on this?

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 4:24 PM

Quote from feigy123 on May 1, 2013, 2:58 PM
Not a good raiah. He had only just met her like that day.

Besides, why would you ignore the other psukim and focus only on this one.

I'm not ignoring them, but Rivka shows that they didn't always have to meet. Like you said, in most cases they met (implied by Avraham and Sarah, and pshat Yaakov & Rivka).

I agree that if romance leads to a meaningful relationship it is a wonderful thing. But it can also be harmful if it leads to a relationship which is not deep and abiding, or where is no potential for marriage. The intent of the pasuk is in terms of the ultimate accomplishment of marriage, which is spiritual unity.

feigy123

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 4:59 PM

Oh, I'm perfectly willing to concede all of that. My only agenda is against people who say that all feelings before marriage are by definition fake or worthless.

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 6:51 PM

pray today, i hear you. i was actually just thinking about all this with regards to myself. so far i've been set up with mostly chassidish guys-and they all have beards. now really, i don't even want chassidish to begin with, but i have a hard time just telling ppl (who are setting me up) no, because then they say "come on you can't just disregard every chassidish boy..." bla bla bla, whatever else they say. and saying that i really don't like beards is the understatement of the century... so i dunno what to do... i really hate beards, and i'm afraid that if my bashert does have one, i won't be able to come to terms with it...

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tsRight

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 7:48 PM

Chaykie honey, you just scared me:

i don't even want chassidish to begin with

and

saying that i really don't like beards is the understatement of the century... so i dunno what to do... i really hate beards, and i'm afraid that if my bashert does have one, i won't be able to come to terms with it...

If you really mean what you said, then you absolutely HAVE to tell these people that are setting you up the way you feel!
Not doing so will just end up getting you redt to more of the same - which you don't want to marry, and you are doing the people setting you up, the boys, and most importantly yourself a massive disfavor.

If you don't want to end up marrying a boy with a beard or "I don't even want chassidish to begin with", then why would you waste your (and their) precious time?? Or chas Vishalom if you end up marrying someone who you can't come to terms with who they are, then that's a lifetime of regret...

If you want to get married to your bashert, then you have to emotionally honest to others and to yourself as to what your needs truly are!

I wish you so much hatzlacha and Hashem should help you overcome this nisayon!!!

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tsRight

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 7:55 PM

Feigy123:

My only agenda is against people who say that all feelings before marriage are by definition fake or worthless.

You're sooo right! It's crazy that people would even say that! I have a question: what is it about "marriage" then, that makes you have real feelings? And don't say physicality cuz that's not true. And I can prove it if need be.

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 8:27 PM

trytodowhatsright- i have. and our rav keeps setting me up with the same kinds of ppl, because he's chassidish and only knows chassidish boys, or so it seems. he knows i don't want it. so do my parents. but they always say "it can't hurt to just try once" well, yes it can! i know i know, i get annoyed at myself for always giving in. but what can i do? what if it is bashert that i marry a chassidish guy with a beard (ugh...). nothing against them, but i am repulsed by the look- specifically on young ppl...

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 8:31 PM

also, trytodowhatsright, i think i hate to seem shallow to other ppl. I'm really not, just i've dated four guys like that (out of 5 that I went out with in my dating career), and it annoyed me to walk around with these ppl. All i tell myself the whole time is "no, this can't work out. he has a beard, he's chassidish/really heimish. totally not for me"... what should i do???

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 9:28 PM

Chaykie I don't get it. Is there anything about you that's making your parents and rav believe that a chassidish guy will work for you? Maybe you're looking for a combination of things that are easily found in chassidish guys?

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 9:34 PM

Btw if you mamish can't stand a beard then you don't have to worry about "if it's bashert for you to marry a guy with one". Saying you are repulsed by it is a strong statement. It doesn't even make sense to go out with such a guy since you're probably annoyed half the date just because of that. I think you should either figure out a way to get over it if you do feel your bashert may be chassidish (see my previous post) or just rule out the beards.

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 10:43 PM

well, iThink, my family is kinda chassidish. I mean, we are. My father and brother wear the levush (not shtreimel or white socks, but a bekesha and an uphit...) but they're family, and i can't tell them to stop wearing it. I wouldn't. It doesn't bother me as much on them as it does on guys I go out with. It's not a lifestyle I want for myself. I don't like it. At all. And I've told every shadchan I've seen. But do you know how hard it is when ppl keep saying "you can't rule out every chassidish/heimish guy. they are really nice, great guys..." yeah yeah, i know. they might be great- for someone else.
but on the flip side, i know lots of girls, and heard lots of stories, where a girl refused to go out with a certain kind of guy for whatever reasons, and ended up marrying bdavka that kind of boy, and they're happily married. what on earth am i supposed to make of all that?

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tsRight

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 1, 2013, 11:01 PM

They probably weren't "repulsed" by those things that they ended up having in a husband...
It was just something they preferred not to have because of some sort of stereotype or other reason, but in the end they realized that it was not as bad as they thought or they were wrong about it being bad.
You never know if they're happily married or not, also.
You KNOW that you hate beards on guys and you just have to be firm on that point. Don't give in anymore. Your feelings won't change; you tried it out with four guys. Don't you think that's enough?
It looks like people expect you to marry a certain type of boy because of your family. Why don't you try going to some shadchanim who deal with non-chassidish (or whatever you really want in your heart) boys?
Just a personal opinion, I don't think you should go to the Rav anymore. It doesn't sound like he realizes what you truly need in a husband.
And just stand up and be firm with your needs for a husband!
Good Luck!

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 2, 2013, 1:56 AM

Quote from chaykie on May 1, 2013, 10:43 PM
well, iThink, my family is kinda chassidish. I mean, we are. My father and brother wear the levush (not shtreimel or white socks, but a bekesha and an uphit...) but they're family, and i can't tell them to stop wearing it. I wouldn't. It doesn't bother me as much on them as it does on guys I go out with. It's not a lifestyle I want for myself. I don't like it. At all. And I've told every shadchan I've seen. But do you know how hard it is when ppl keep saying "you can't rule out every chassidish/heimish guy. they are really nice, great guys..." yeah yeah, i know. they might be great- for someone else.
but on the flip side, i know lots of girls, and heard lots of stories, where a girl refused to go out with a certain kind of guy for whatever reasons, and ended up marrying bdavka that kind of boy, and they're happily married. what on earth am i supposed to make of all that?

Let me ask you something else: Have you asked yourself why you don't want the lifestyle you grew up with? Why do you feel it's not for you? I think that if you can explain that to a shadchan, they'll give you less of an argument. But if all you took issue with is the levush, then I can see why people don't take your concerns seriously. Does this make sense to you?

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 5, 2013, 10:38 AM

iThink, it just never spoke to me. I think it looks weird. i dunno. also, i don't really feel that chassidish, and my family doesn't really act it, accept for a few minhagim, so i feel like, if ur gonna go all the way, go all the way. don't just be a little chassidish, i feel like that's not real. but the real lifestyle is not for me at all. don't get me wrong. i love my family and we're very close. my nickname here is "little rebel" cuz my bro and sis don't mind marrying chassidish.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 5, 2013, 6:30 PM

but on the flip side, i know lots of girls, and heard lots of stories, where a girl refused to go out with a certain kind of guy for whatever reasons, and ended up marrying bdavka that kind of boy, and they're happily married. what on earth am i supposed to make of all that?

This happened to someone I know. She had one hakpada, and only found out when they got a marriage license. πŸ™‚
When I started dating, she told me not to make any absolute conditions, because then I would be forced to marry someone who had them. I didn't, and I'm not married yet. Maybe if I had said I will consider any boy but one who is X I would have found the right one by now.

patcha

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 5, 2013, 6:32 PM

I should add that she was 35.

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 5, 2013, 7:19 PM

wow. see different strokes for different folks. i feel like "you never know what's gonna happen in the end" so i don't really know what to do. trytodowhatsright, i totally hear what ur saying and i agree. but its easier said than done.

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 6, 2013, 3:20 PM

Quote from chaykie on May 5, 2013, 10:38 AM
iThink, it just never spoke to me. I think it looks weird. i dunno. also, i don't really feel that chassidish, and my family doesn't really act it, accept for a few minhagim, so i feel like, if ur gonna go all the way, go all the way. don't just be a little chassidish, i feel like that's not real. but the real lifestyle is not for me at all. don't get me wrong. i love my family and we're very close. my nickname here is "little rebel" cuz my bro and sis don't mind marrying chassidish.

I hear what you're saying, and I've seen girls express similar sentiments when its comes to details of levush. At this point I think it would be best if I don't give any advice on this issue, except to say that it would be best if your discuss it with someone who knows you personally.

I realize how frustrating it can be when its such a big deal to you and so not an issue to ppl around you-so I hope you get that understanding from whoever it is that you will discuss this with.

chaykie

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 6, 2013, 7:07 PM

thanks iThink, that is a good idea. now i needa find a mentor or someone, guess i should go to the mentor thread now...

iThink

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Post Re: Looks Looks Looks
on: May 6, 2013, 7:55 PM

Quote from chaykie on May 6, 2013, 7:07 PM
thanks iThink, that is a good idea. now i needa find a mentor or someone, guess i should go to the mentor thread now...

Hatzlacha! Finding the right mentor takes special siyatta dishmaya as well. Wishing you lots of luck πŸ™‚

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