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Author Topic: Lesson to be learned...or not...
Shaindy

Dating Maven

Posts: 67
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Post Lesson to be learned...or not...

I was at a shiur recently and the rabbi speaking said over an interesting story which I would like to share with you.

A girl was dating a fine boy nothing extraordinary but a all around solid boy. Middos, good learner . However , on a date I'm guessing not so far along as you will soon see they were driving somewhere. The boy was not familiar with the area as well as the girl so he told her where they will be heading.
Very nice and much appreciated as to give the girl a heads up and the opportunity to voice her opinion if she'd rather not go to that specific place.
As they headed to their destination he started taking a route which wasn't the quickest, in fact it was headed in the opposite direction . Remember she has lived there her entire life she definitely knows the best way to get to the destination.
So she very politely suggested an alternate route, the correct route.
Their was no reply from the boy just silence.
He continued on his way...after driving for a while realized he had gone in the wrong direction, turned around and corrected his mistake.

ALL WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

The rabbi then proceeded to tell this girl to run run far away from this boy. If he can't communicate in such small things as messing up in driving directions to someone who is obviously more educated than him in that area there are definitely more areas which he will not be able to communicate in.

There are some points I would like to discuss with other people who were not present at the shiur (as I already discussed them with the people I went to the shiur with): 🙁

1-Aren't all men/boys like that with driving and directions? if so what is the big deal? who says when a real scenario comes up he will be silent and not take action?

2-Maybe he was totally mortified that he made such a terrible mistake and was so embarrassed he didn't know what to say? Dan Lkaf Zchus?

3-We do not know exactly how the girl said what she said maybe he felt defensive and didn't want to create an awkward moment for both of them and so he just kept quiet? "Silence is golden"

4-Since when do we girls speak up on a date in giving directions? I have never given help to the boy with driving and directions just like I don't help him plan the dates that is his"job". Maybe the boy should run far far away.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that I went off like that but being "in shidduchim" for a bit of time and really living through it, sometimes get's hard and when you hear these these stories and their lessons while they themselves never went through the same "dating scene" as us just gets me thinking and I would love to know if what I'm writing is way off or way on.
[i][/i]K.I.T. 🙁 😀

Miriam

Dating Maven

Posts: 51
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

Hm, would I say to drop the boy? It all depends how much I liked him. But, if I really liked him and was into him and all was going well before hand I would bring it up with him and tell him how I feel. Don't you think you would like an opportunity to explain what you did and to justify yourself? Maybe he didn't hear you before..who knows? But to drop a great guy just like that when all was good before? I don't know and that doesn't sit well with me especially in this day and age when it takes what it take just to get a date with guy..get what I am saying?

Miriam

Dating Maven

Posts: 51
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

One more thing. Either way, wether your reason be numbers 1,2,3, or 4 I think that the guy deserves a chance to explain himself, no matter what. Just wanted to clarify.

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

We don't know all the details of the story, but if the rabbi is saying to "run far far away" from this guy, maybe he's picking up on something that we are not. I do though think that someone should tread extremely carefully in such a situation. Definitely do some more digging and find out how this plays out in the rest of his life (or not), initiate conversation about with the guy himself, and watch out for it in other situations. If it's embarrassment or even pride, look at the whole picture, see how it "fits" him. Some things one guy could totally get away with because it makes sense with who he is in general, but another who does the same thing totally cannot. You need to get to know the guy before you judge him. There are a few exceptions, however. If it's a guyvah thing, and this might have very well been, then I'm with the rabbi...stay far far away.

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

I want a guy who won't stop and ask for directions. That's what I'm looking for in a husband--someone who will take care of me, and act as if everything is under control even if he knows it isn't.

Ok, maybe it would be better if he would do all that but also stop for directions, but, I think the two things are part of the same character trait, so I expect them to come together.

Bayla

Dating Maven

Posts: 84
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

Yes and no feigy123, he needs to know and have the seichel to know when to stop and ask. Yes, we all want a Gavrah but a smart one. No guy should drive around for half an hour because he wants to look confidant when he has to put on a show when he really has no clue where he is going. I personally think it take more of a Gavrah if a guy can admit that he is not sure if he needs to make a left or a right and he will get out at the gas station and ask someone. He's not a nebach but he's being open and honest and is doing the right thing.

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Lesson to be learned...or not...

Yes, yes, of course. I also want a perfect guy. But if I have to accept imperfection, I'd rather he act like a normal guy, than like a normal girl.

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