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Author Topic: Learning or Working?
Bracha613

Dating Maven

Posts: 175
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Post Learning or Working?

I think about this all the time and maybe some of you have some thoughts. I would very much like to marry a boy who would like to learn for a bit. I know this may mean that I will have to live off of my salary alone since my parents are not willing to support. The problem is that I consider myself a pretty high maintenance girl. I like to wear nice stylish clothing, get my nails done..... Am I fooling myself when I say I want a learning boy? Will I cave in and send him out to work to I have money for what I need?

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Learning or Working?

Why don't you just marry a slightly older guy (say, 26-27), who already has done that "learning for a bit"?

Bracha613

Dating Maven

Posts: 175
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Post Re: Learning or Working?

What if I want to live the kollel life in the beginning - with my husband learning... doesn't the foundation of the husband learning affect the beginning of a marriage?

feigy123

Dating Coach

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Post Re: Learning or Working?

It does? I suppose it might. But that is quite something to argue without a really good rationale of why it would.

I'd have imagined the foundation of who the people are affects the marriage much more than what they happen to be doing during the first year of marriage. And who the guy is is determined by what he has done--in this case, how much learning he has done.

Bayla

Dating Maven

Posts: 84
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Post Re: Learning or Working?

hi there! So this is what I think. If you do not have support but you do want a learning boy than you have to decide if you want to live off of your savings and wedding money or if during that year or two you will be willing to let some things go. Do you really need that pair of shoes? Can you just try once to do your nails by yourself and not get them done? If Torah learning is truly important to you that I would imagine that you would be willing to try. Yet I Feel that it is very important that you tell him this so that if you are not managing he will go to work and do so willingly. Good Luck!

Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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My friend told me today about a girl who told her husband she couldn't work anymore, and he thought she was crazy that she would want him to work. This really freaked me out! Bracha 613, PLEASE make sure that when you date a guy you are clear about your needs and that despite them you want to TRY to begin with him learning, but make sure to ask him what his plan will be if you can't live this lifestyle.

Princess-
Lea

Dating Pro

Posts: 223
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Post Re: Learning or Working?

Mammelah schienz, now is certainly the time to be real. You like pretty things; there is nothing wrong with that. But you realize that pretty things cost money. Even when the husbands are working when a couple is starting out money is extremely tight; unless your salary is really, really, high, all that money will be guzzled up by rent, utilities, car, phone and a myriad of other expenses as soon as it hits your bank account.

The type of man you marry, as Feigy put so well, has more to do with your happiness than if he's learning or not. That should not be your concern. There is nothing wrong with going out with working guys as well. I know that for myself, I could not handle being the breadwinner and mommy for a household.

Know yourself, and what would cause an overly stressful situation for you. Money is a major cause for marital strife, and in this economy for a guy to get a job without prior experience is harder than ever; what if two years go by and he tries to get a job, but no joy?

How about you plan instead to be fiscally responsible throughout your marriage, so your husband can retire and then learn? It makes much more sense.

What works for you. Not for anybody else.

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