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Author Topic: Kids
cool nerd

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Post Kids
on: February 14, 2013, 9:46 PM

What do you do if you really like the guy you're dating but can't imagine having kids with him? Do you nip it in the bud or keep going hoping it'll come to you eventually?

dancer90

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 14, 2013, 9:54 PM

y cant you imagine having kids with him if you really like him?

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 14, 2013, 10:24 PM

Do you mean that you like him as a person but you aren't attracted to him? How long have you been going out with him? If it's just a few dates I would stick with it, but if you've gone out like 10-15 times and you still can't see it then I would very nicely try to end the shidduch in a way that won't hurt his feelings.

feigy123

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 14, 2013, 11:52 PM

Wait, what do you mean by that?

Do you mean that you don't want him to be the father of your kids? Or that you don't want to be a partner with him in raising kids?

cool nerd

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 15, 2013, 12:10 AM

"Do you mean that you like him as a person but you aren't attracted to him? How long have you been going out with him? If it's just a few dates I would stick with it, but if you've gone out like 10-15 times and you still can't see it then I would very nicely try to end the shidduch in a way that won't hurt his feelings."

I am attracted to him. That's the weird thing. I can't place my discomfort/unsureness.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 15, 2013, 1:29 AM

Are you sure the discomfort has to do with the guy or is it something else? If you're attracted to him, maybe this "I can't imagine having kids with him" has nothing to do with him per se.

gold

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 12:53 PM

Listen to R' Shaya Cohens shiur (under the inspiration tab), where he divides the shidduch process into four courses: computer science, chemistry, biology, and optional, astronomy. He breaks it down well and it might clarify your uncomfort.

cool nerd

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 1:43 PM

Thanks gold. I'll check it out.

heyhey

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 2:38 PM

cool nerd: plz explain... we all seem to have the same kind of questions...

bitachon

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 3:23 PM

[b]Quote from cool nerd on
What do you do if you really like the guy you're dating but can't imagine having kids with him? Do you nip it in the bud or keep going hoping it'll come to you eventually?
"Do you mean that you like him as a person but you aren't attracted to him? How long have you been going out with him? If it's just a few dates I would stick with it, but if you've gone out like 10-15 times and you still can't see it then I would very nicely try to end the shidduch in a way that won't hurt his feelings."

I am attracted to him. That's the weird thing. I can't place my discomfort/unsureness.

First of all, thanks for being honest...im sure many people have the same concern and are nodding their heads in agreement so kudos! The benefit of you posting informs everyone how normal we all are so thank you.
2nd I would suggest you speak to a mentor whether a teacher from hs, sem, a reb from ur shul, an older person you respect or perhaps you should talk to a dating coach....as much as girls may give advice i dont think its the best forum to get the answer you need. 1st we dont know u personally, we dont know ur circumstances (past and present experieces), or the boy, it would be a chaval if u decide based on wat girls are telling here. on one hand u may decide to stop seeing the boy and really he's your zivug hagun and you just needed to date more or get hands on advice and on the other hand u may continue a relationship that u really shouldnt and it would be more painful for you.
PLEASE! get advice from someone who could really help you!
Hatzlacha Raba and we cant wait to hear b'suros tovohs B'karov! 😀

heyhey

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 5:33 PM

true true...

iThink

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 17, 2013, 11:26 PM

coolnerd- I'm just trying to zero in on what exactly is bothering you and it seems from your original question that you may mean either:

1. You cannot see him being the kind of father you would like your kids to have (or being a father figure at all)
2. You cannot see yourself making parenting decisions with him
3. You cannot see yourself being physically close with him (even though you say you are attracted to him)

Try to place that discomfort/unsureness, and then deal with it from there.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 18, 2013, 11:12 AM

First of all, thanks for being honest...im sure many people have the same concern and are nodding their heads in agreement so kudos! The benefit of you posting informs everyone how normal we all are so thank you.
2nd I would suggest you speak to a mentor whether a teacher from hs, sem, a reb from ur shul, an older person you respect or perhaps you should talk to a dating coach....as much as girls may give advice i dont think its the best forum to get the answer you need. 1st we dont know u personally, we dont know ur circumstances (past and present experieces), or the boy, it would be a chaval if u decide based on wat girls are telling here. on one hand u may decide to stop seeing the boy and really he's your zivug hagun and you just needed to date more or get hands on advice and on the other hand u may continue a relationship that u really shouldnt and it would be more painful for you.
PLEASE! get advice from someone who could really help you!
Hatzlacha Raba and we cant wait to hear b'suros tovohs B'karov!

I haven't checked this post since I last went on, but I feel exactly the way bitachon does.
I hope you make a decision that you are happy with and is good for you!
Good luck!!! 🙂

cool nerd

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 18, 2013, 11:35 AM

iThink, I'd have to go with your first option as the one thing that's bothering me. I can't see him being the kind of father I'd want my kids to have.

iThink

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 18, 2013, 2:42 PM

Coolnerd, if you're sure about that, then I'd have to say yes, nip it in the bud. If you'd have told me that you cannot see him be a father figure I'd think you two still might spend more time together and eventually that side of him will come through. But you said you don't see him being the "kind of father you'd want your kids to have " which leads me to believe that you've detected some sort of negative paternal inclination.

cool nerd

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Post Re: Kids
on: February 18, 2013, 5:18 PM

Good point.

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