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Author Topic: Is my dating decisions crazy?
itpy

Dater

Posts: 27
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Post Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 19, 2013, 11:24 PM

Hi! So basically I'm finding shidduchim pretty challenging since honestly I find myself making a decision on a guy if he's for me or not by the first few minutes of the date based on his looks.... Meaning from the first few hours of the date if I don't like how the guy looks it's very hard for me to look past it!! Is this crazy?? It's vry imp for me to have a guy whose looks I'm not bothered by and if I get slightly nervous from the guys externals or mannerism it's rly hard for me to look past it and give him a fair chance... unless he has some amazing personality or other great factor which makes me like him right away and I Wna give it all I got... ! Is my dating habits rly bad?!! I obviously look for the imp things also and if I would like the guy i would try to look past his looks but so far guys externals played a role in my decision making and many of the guys whose looks bothered me it was hard for me to Wna keep dating them to see if I like other things about them (ie: hashkafoes personality etc...)...! And comments or advice on this?

daysfan24

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 20, 2013, 12:00 AM

HI itpy- So I have to say, I am in the same boat as you are. Shidduchim is really challenging- most of my time, I'm finding I'm saying no because of attraction and I also too think I can't get past it. I do have to say from my point of view that really there's nothing wrong with looking for looks. It is imperative that one is attractive to their spouse- so don't think you are making a mistake. If the looks bother you, there is a problem. On the other side, and I'm sure you heard this before about giving the guy a chance and maybe the looks can grow is something that is really your decision. If you don't think there's any potential then you're probably right. Also with the amazing personality comment- if you think the guy has an amazing personality and there's something that grabbed your attention, keep going! You may find him cuter as times goes on. I think if you're out a sufficient amount of time and you still think there's nothing that's making you want to continue further, I don't see why you should doom that as a bad decision. You just haven't met your basheret yet! Hatzlacha!

itpy

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Posts: 27
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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 21, 2013, 12:31 AM

Wow daysfan... U rly said exactly how I feel!! Ye it's just hard cuz when I don't like the guys appearance I sort of don't want make it work... Know what I mean? Like when I don't like him I don't Wna give him a few more dates to get to know him better cuz not interested in marrying him...but ye I def try to give guys second dates just to make sure..but if after that I don't find anything abt him that I Escp like and plus his looks bother me that I usually just say no!

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 21, 2013, 11:07 AM

I feel the same way! Don't worry, I'm pretty sure a lot of girls factor "looks" in their decision-making process. But I will say, that if he has an amazing personality that you are attracted to, there's a good chance that you'll end up becoming attracted to his looks. The question is: how long will that take, and do you want to keep going out on that chance? I'd say, if you like his personality definitely give it a second, probably third date, but after that, it you don't like him any more than when you first met him, drop it. Otherwise you're just leading him on.

basmelech

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 21, 2013, 4:59 PM

I think what you mean is attraction. Ever heard of "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"? Focus on if you are attracted to him rather than putting it on the word looks. There are many things that make a person attractive. Looks, character, personality, habits...etc. One person can be totally not interested in him and someone else will feel very attracted to him. Each person is attracted to different things. Focus on what is pulling you and what is putting you off. You might find that its his looks or an annoying habit or something else entirely! try not to say no on a maybe you might become attracted to him on the 2nd or 3rd date...unless you are very sure that he is totally not what you are looking for. after a few dates you will probably be able to make a better decision. Also a Rav/older dating mentor is great to speak to. Hatzlacha, and hope you find someone that you will be attracted to! 🙂

daysfan24

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 21, 2013, 7:38 PM

Itpy- I know exactly what you mean. I do the exact same thing! I think each person should examine what he or she knows whats best for him or her. Basmelech- great point, looks mean something different to everyone. So definitely figure out what exactly it is and if there is anything at all. If there's something pulling you in- continue and you might just be surprised. But, really its not a black and white answer, so don't put yourself down because you think its shallow. But, yeah like others said too talk to someone who you respect. And definitely someone married as well because obviously were all singles here and we don't have that type of experience (not to say you shouldn't respect our opinions!) but I think it would help to get advice from various people.

Princess10-
1

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 21, 2013, 8:33 PM

It's tot not crazy at all. We learned in High School that you could say no after a first date if you r turned off by his smell or looks. Before I started dating I thought I would never saw no because of looks but then I learned very fast that if u cant look at him doesnt matter how amazing he is. But you have to remember that some things definitely do grow on u as u get to knw a person but I wouldnt give it more than two as most three if his looks are still bothering after a second then chances it wont change, trust me on that one. Don't put urself through that torture. Be tot honest with urself!!!!

itpy

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Posts: 27
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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 23, 2013, 12:29 AM

Thanks for all of ur advice!!!! So honestly I'm dating someone and don't know what to do!!!!!!! Convo is great his personality and type is what I'm looking for but i just don't like him!!!!! And don't want to marry him ( as of now- third date) so do I continue dating him till I like him or do I just say no?!! Nothing specific is bothering me and he rly is what I'm looking for more or less but I'm just not getting to like him enuf to want to continue dating him!! I'm rly confused what to do! Help?!!?!! Any advice ASAP!!! Since I need to make a decision alrdy!!

dazzleme21

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 23, 2013, 12:42 AM

what dont you like about him??? his looks??? try to make a list of things you dont like and see what you come up with , and if anything from that list can change then continue going out ,for example he x hav a license and he takes u in a car service or on a train he can get a license ,thats a small example . if not then you probably should stop going out like if you really cant get past his looks then I think you should give it either one more date ... or if your really repulsed from his looks then just drop him.thats my opinion but try to listen to your heart,instincts more than what other people tell you ,because in the end either you will end up marrying him or not so you have to be able to live with your desicion, hatzlacha! goodluck!

basmelech

Dating Coach

Posts: 408
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Post Re: Is my dating decisions crazy?
on: October 23, 2013, 12:52 AM

its hard to tell you what to do because we dont know your exact situtation. I think you should speak to someone who knows you well. Please dont base your decision on this forum.

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