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Author Topic: Dropping a Boy?
Avigail

Dating Maven

Posts: 130
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Post Dropping a Boy?

ThinkingBygirl's question reminded me of a time when I had to drop a boy not through the shadchan it was TERRIBLE. Does anyone have any tips how it should be done in the least insulting, awkward, least horrible way?

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

See my comments on the other thread on this topic.

But basically, there is no good way to be rejected. It hurts no matter what. So when you are doing it, just try to make it be as mentchlich as possible and try to inflict as least pain as you can on the other person,

I think just being honest and saying that you just don't see it working out, because you just don't feel that it's right for you is the best way to go. If there are other specific reasons you can try and use them, but be very careful that you are not hurting the more and are only using them if they will help him understand why it won't work for you and make it easier for him.

Avigail

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

Thanks, I think what I find the most awkward is afterwards. What do you talk about for the 10 minute ride back to my house. You know what I mean?

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

Ah- I have the exact same fear... that is why I always wait until we are sitting outside my house in the car. I just wait till we are home and I can say what I want to say and then get out of the car.

Unless it comes up earlier on the date (in which case just pray hard that he takes you home asap... I've had at least 2 guys shlep me around to who knows where after we had already agreed that 'we' weren't going anywhere... ugh- total torture.

So definitely wait until you are sitting outside the house in the car.

Avigail

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

Now why didn't I ever think of that?
tryingsohard it sounds like the were hoping you'd change your mind 😉

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

Quote from Avigail on January 29, 2013, 1:46 PM
Now why didn't I ever think of that?
tryingsohard it sounds like the were hoping you'd change your mind 😉

LOL nah, in one case that I remember, the guy broke up with me, and then took me with him shopping at a supermarket... I wanted to cry and go home, but had to follow him around the supermarket instead. The other guy.... it was more mutual, but he just liked spending time with me, I was just dying to get home... but he also shlepped me around for hours... ugh... total torture.

Definitely wait until you get home if there is anyway you can...

Avigail

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

OMG
That's terrible!
I think that's the type of thing you should tell the Shadchan.

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

Quote from Avigail on January 29, 2013, 2:04 PM
OMG
That's terrible!
I think that's the type of thing you should tell the Shadchan.

Yeah, I know. But I've learned that in the end, I just end up looking bad if I say bad things about the guy. It's very hard to say something when you are hurt and upset and make it sound constructive and positive. You usually just end up sounding like you are hurt and are trying to hurt him by saying bad things about him.
Shadchan usually doesn't pass on the constructive criticism anyway... because she wants to be able to set him up with other girls and is afraid to criticize him...

Shira

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

I just read a book on being dan lekaf zechus. I was thinking maybe he's really a nice guy, But he wanted to make sure that you don't second guess yourself later on that maybe you shouldn't have said no. But now that you see what an inconsiderate oaf he is you will never have second thoughts 😛

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

It's always easier to break up with a guy if you both agree it's mutual. It's much harder if he really likes you and sees it going places. I don't think it's necessary to tell him all the reasons why you think it won't work, and make it mostly about you, not him. Also, I'm a big believer in feedback throughout the whole process. Don't let the guy think that it's going great and let him think that he's going to propose and you're going to say yes within the next couple dates - if the reality is that you were unsure from the beginning. Open and honest communication is very important. In the beginning you can do this but dropping subtle hints to the shadchan. "I had a nice time, but I'm not really sure he's for me. I will go out again, but I'm not crazy about it." Once you drop the shadchan, speak to each other. It can get a little awkward to have to talk about your relationship, but generally if you're that far along, you should be able to. If you can't, maybe that's another sign he's really not for you. Also remember that the awkward car ride home thing doesn't have to be extremely awkward. It's awkward by definition, but you can make it less so but making a comment about the "awkward car ride," and agree to talk about something random on the way home.

Bayla

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Dropping a Boy?

good points thinkingBYgirl. And tryingsohard..wow..I don't know how you handled being shlepped around like that. Why does it have to be in person? At what number date does it have to be in person anyway? Why can't you call him later that night and say that you have been thinking about things and its not good because of whatever. I know a guy who stopped dating a girl because he couldn't get over her nose. So he wrote her a letter. Not sure what he said in that letter..I hope he had the sense not to mention her looks but I have no idea what he said. A nice letter is not terrible but I think I would do a phone call..I dunno.

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