Forums

Suggest a New Forum Category

Welcome Guest 

Show/Hide Header

Welcome Guest, posting in this forum requires registration.

Pages: [1]
Author Topic: Dating someone with different hashkofos
boroparker

Dater

Posts: 24
Send Message
Post Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 10:01 AM

Hey here is my question ,BH a shidduch had been redt for me , basically the guy is a "native Sephardic" who became chassidish , I honestly don't have any problem with it . My family does have a problem with his family being Sephardi , and I mamish don't understand why .. They kind of dont want me to date him.
Would you date the guy ? Would you accept (I think most of you are yeshivish/litvish here ) to date a guy who is a native Sephardi but adopted Ashkenazi minhagim ?

heyhey

Dating Maven

Posts: 191
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 5:09 PM

i see no problem with it

heyhey

Dating Maven

Posts: 191
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 5:10 PM

but thats my opinion

iThink

Dating Pro

Posts: 311
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 5:20 PM

Minhagim and hashkafos are not one and the same. I could see myself getting accustomed to new minhagim but how could I ever "change" hashkafos?

inshidduch-
im613

Dating Maven

Posts: 155
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 5:37 PM

Quote from iThink on February 26, 2013, 5:20 PM
Minhagim and hashkafos are not one and the same. I could see myself getting accustomed to new minhagim but how could I ever "change" hashkafos?

I agreee. Your title was "dating someone with different HASHKAFOS, but this has nothing to do with hashkafos! Personally, I feel that you should NOT date s'o with diff hashkafos; but minhagim are a different story. It depends if it bothers you or not. If it doesnt bother you that he's s'fardi, then I dont think that's a reason to say "no"

basyisroel

Dater

Posts: 39
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 6:07 PM

I sounds like from what you're saying he has the same hashkafos/minhagim as you but he comes from a family that does not. I don't see anything wrong with this but it would be interesting to find out why he decided to become chasidish when he didn't grow up that way...that can tell you a lot about him and/or about his family

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 6:59 PM

I say think about what this might mean to/for you. Are you able to accept whatever cultural discrepancies this presents? Of course you may not know this without going out with him first. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: agreeing to date someone is not agreeing to marry him. There is a reason why we date and not just set up marriages based on the info we find out about people. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Can you genuinely see yourself marrying this guy (the whole picture, complete with his background, family, etc) or do you just want to go out with a a guy, any guy who seems remotely what you're looking for?

bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 26, 2013, 9:55 PM

i work with sephardim...def diff mentality depending on what type of sefardi however it depends where he goes/went to yeshiva then many times may have similar mentality....from experience many sefardim who are "ashkenasized" because of the ashkenazi yeshivos they went to still have sephardi minhagim. you have to know what you could handle but def give it a try dont just look at the face value that he's sephardi. find out specific information to see if its within your comfort zone. Hatzlacha

boroparker

Dater

Posts: 24
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 27, 2013, 9:34 AM

So he doesn't really have different minhagim knowing that he adopted Ashkenazis' . I personally think I'm "getting married " to the guy not really his family but ... Of course there is the family pressure. ( what will people say ?? Honestly I hate this sentence )
Thank you so much for your advice !!!

Liba

Dater

Posts: 20
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 27, 2013, 9:27 PM

It's a shame not to go out with somebody bec. you are afraid of people will say. Even the most exciting piece of news people don't usually talk about for more then a month.

inshidduch-
im613

Dating Maven

Posts: 155
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 28, 2013, 1:55 AM

boroparker: i really dont think its smart to nix a shidduch just because of what ppl will say...i mean, what if he is your bashert? i dont mean to sound blunt, but if everything else sounds like what YOU want, then u prob shoudl go for it and go out once at lst 🙂 that is if ur hashkafos match 😉

boroparker

Dater

Posts: 24
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 28, 2013, 2:49 AM

Liba - I agree hundred % with you . I was just quoting , what some people in my family and most of the community would have say . I know tonz of people who refuse a shidduch , because He /she was sephardi or diff than them , but the reason was not the diff of minhagim but "what will people say"
Inshidduchim613- I would totally go out with him , I totally agree with you.
Honestly I think we should not let go an opportunity ... We may regret it c"v .
Btw I also have another "problem " sometimes when I go on the date , I'm so nervous that I can't speak , and then I don't say anything , and I won't tell really anything about me , I'm not the type of people who tells you " I do this and that ..." , except if you ask . It can be a problem ...

life123

Dating Pro

Posts: 324
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: February 28, 2013, 11:05 PM

I've heard that practicing is a good idea... If you feel weird and aren't sure if you have good ideas of what to say, try this - Find a friend and do this with each other - pretend you've never met and introduce yourself to each other - you'll be comfortable because you really DO know each other - then keep notes of what you said, and you'll have a list of topics that you can talk about comfortably...

boroparker

Dater

Posts: 24
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 1, 2013, 2:45 AM

Chaysim- thank you so much ! Ill try that. Sometimes if I don't feel comfortable with the guy , I mean some people make you feel comfortable even if you don't know them , and some others ... I remember going on a date and the guy was really cold , 1st he didn't got why I was nervous , he made you feel like if He was superior than you (by saying thing ) , he kept talking the whole date , didn't even try to "let/help me speak "
And then complain to the shadchan that maybe I was immature or not smart because I couldn't "discuss" with him.

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 2, 2013, 5:34 PM

Sephardim not only have diff minhagim. The mentality is intrinsically diff. Ie: their perspective on a woman and man relationship in a general sense I'm not speaking for those specific exceptions. Their intrinsic ideology in a marriage is that the woman should be subservient to the husband. Although halachically they are right the man is the head of the household. They take it to an extreme tht the Ashkenazi circles have been repulsed by for centuries. I'm not against sephardim in zany shape or form. These are just facts you will not notice nes from a nice guy on a date however you will Hve to take into consideration in the long hall. A sephardi girl would not Hve a problem with it; being tht is in her genes. An Ashkenazi girl would. Ashkenazim Hve thier pros as well as their cons too, and Sephardim have their pros as well like a few mentioned already. However these are major factors your family is right I would say, don't just agree to a date out of desperation. For you may end up liking his personality and technically he may not be for you. Then you will really be stuck between making a decision between logic and emotions. Id definitely say your family is RIGHT!! Been there done tht. It's hard to get over a guy you really like. Trust me.

bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 2, 2013, 10:33 PM

you can't say all sephardim r "hot blooded" or women subservient to men..because it depends which sephardim and how long the family is in America...if the family is here for many years and a few generations they are more "americanasized"

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 2, 2013, 11:02 PM

bitachon -doesn't matter how long they've been in America..that is their intrinsic genetic make up... noth bad just not compatible with Ashkenazic genes..some cross breaded marriages do happily wrk, but it's a very high risk to take. You should also take your future children into account.. hashkafically not an issue, cause you'll take on his minhagim however; mix ethnics tend to hve trouble finding themselves later in life.. not nes as children but when entering yeshiva/ seminary and shidduchim it becomes hrd...

bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 2, 2013, 11:31 PM

on one hand i understand you because i personally do not prefer a sephardi because of the various reasons posed, however that doesn't make it or break just because he's sephardi...my very close frnd whose one type of sephardi from an ashkenazi school married a different type of sephardi from a sephardi school she said for her it was definitely something to get used to. however, she did say the family is american and if anything the kollel sephardi boys respect their wives and bend their backs to help their wives as much as possible. i know her husband and seen him in action while at her house and i am very impressed. unless of course u have experience in this you can't make blanket statements and according to Hilchos shmiras ha'lashon you can't say general statements of a group of people..
additionally , there are many "mix marriges" whose children married very well ..
to give a few examples: Mrs. Sutton- ashkenaz who married sephardi...Mrs. Churba married sephardi..Rabbi Aharon Shechter rosh yeshiva chaim berlin- daughter married a sephardi and b"h their children and in some cases grandchildren are married ....

Debbs

Dater

Posts: 18
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 12:07 AM

i work with many sephardim, and i think that they are fabulous people. it is totally unfair to say they run patriarchal families. it is totally not true. they respect their wives just like others do.

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 12:59 AM

You are racists.

Bracha613

Dating Maven

Posts: 175
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 1:08 AM

Quote from Cherry on March 2, 2013, 5:34 PM
I'm not against sephardim in any shape or form. These are just facts.

I also didn't like how it sounded but it sounds like she feels that it's not necessarily negative.

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 2:34 AM

feigy, I am not racist by any means, I am clearly outlining the realities of a cross breaded relationship. in this instance it is an Ashkenazi considering a sephardi. If a Sephardi girl was expressing her concerns marrying into the ashkenazi side; I will state the precautions accordingly. in this case it is the reverse.

Debbs- they most definitely are! In fact some of my closest friends are Sephardi.

Bitachon: "Marrying a different type of sephardi and having to get used to that way of life"... Well then How much more would she have to get used to if she was an ashkenazi marrying a Sephardi!
"there are many "mix marriges" whose children married very well ..
to give a few examples: Mrs. Sutton- ashkenaz who married sephardi...Mrs. Churba married sephardi..Rabbi Aharon Shechter rosh yeshiva chaim berlin- daughter married a sephardi and b"h their children and in some cases grandchildren are married ...." We don't know the reasons and cheshbonos behind these pple's marriages. Nor do we know the intrinsicalities of their relationships...

"you can't make blanket statements and according to Hilchos shmiras ha'lashon you can't say general statements of a group of people.." -this is a discussion whereby it is letoeless to advise appropriately and not flower things up in a positive manner, The OP has requested our insight in a matter that should not be taken lightly. One of the main reasons the divorce rate is so high is because of the rose colored glasses that are adorned prior to going into a relationship, When they should be put on after!

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 3:01 AM

"Racist" means you have a preconceived notion about a particular race and believe one race is superior to others. I don't know if that was what was going on here, but keep in mind, differences do exist, colorblindness (saying we all are the same) is racism too, and you can't not classify for fear of being prejudice. It's great to be open-minded, but not so much that your brain falls out.

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 3:43 AM

BY-girl ;well said! 😀

boroparker

Dater

Posts: 24
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 5:54 PM

I should have said that i kind of know how it "works" my mother family is sephardi. But like some of you said , not all sephardi are the same ... And i dont see any problem knowing that most of them today are like ashkenazi , or i should said had been americanized.
Cherry- its not in there genes...

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 6:34 PM

Boro Parker: A sephardi girl marrying an ashkenazi guy is very different to the reverse. Many Sephardi girls do not have a problem 'adjusting' to being married to a Ashkenazi. Less is expected and they are intrinsically more lenient on women. In most cases this makes their marriage a very blissful one, in general terms. However speaking more specifically, It really all depends on what you saw and expirienced growing up. Evidently Your relationship is/will be mainly a product of how your parents and his parents conducted themselves towards each other, combined.

patcha

Dating Coach

Posts: 445
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 7:14 PM

Two of my good friends married Sephardic, and they are very happy.

Cherry

Dating Maven

Posts: 98
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 7:22 PM

patcha: You do not know the intrinsicalities of the relationship, no matter how close you are as friends. They may be happy they may not. You really do not know. We can only cast judgement for ourselves and what goes on in generalised society. not specifically what we think is 'working' for someone else..

iThink

Dating Pro

Posts: 311
Send Message
Post Re: Dating someone with different hashkofos
on: March 3, 2013, 8:01 PM

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on March 3, 2013, 3:01 AM
"Racist" means you have a preconceived notion about a particular race and believe one race is superior to others. I don't know if that was what was going on here, but keep in mind, differences do exist, colorblindness (saying we all are the same) is racism too, and you can't not classify for fear of being prejudice. It's great to be open-minded, but not so much that your brain falls out.

Thank you, well said. I'm sick and tired off having people go hysterical when others point out differences between some communities. Especially when it's pointed out respectfully.

Pages: [1]
Mingle Forum by cartpauj
Version: 1.0.33.3; Page loaded in: 0.158 seconds.