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Author Topic: CRISIS!!!!!!
atararox

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Post CRISIS!!!!!!

Im having a big crisis! im in shidduchim for about two years already and things are just really slow and not moving...my problem is that the longer im in it, the less interest i have in getting married. 😐 The few guys I dated were kinda pathetic and i dont know the excitement of being in a relationship. I truly believe that Hashem has a plan and I just need to daven - but thats just it!!! i feel like as i lose interest in marriage, i also lose the drive to daven hard and have kavanah. i feel so frustrated because i want to be able to cry my heart out but the feelings arent there! HELP ME! am i sounding weird or retarded?? i mean who loses interest in getting married!! 😕 🙁 i dont want to turn into those older girls that just missed the boat and get busy with their own lives!

Bracha613

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!

Don't have any advice but... hugs to you.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 12:31 AM

Does it help to know that you're not alone? It's a normal feeling you are experiencing. Some people face this challenge and their heart aches unbearably, they redouble their efforts of hishtadlus and tefilla, they reach out to their support system to help them through this challenge, and in general it's at the forefront of their mind. Other people deal with it differently. They become numb to the pain, and instead they shut these feelings down and have a hard time reaching out to Hashem. They make themselves busy with other things and convince themselves that they don't need to get married (or at least not yet), because it's not happening. It's a defense mechanism. It means that those feelings are still there, but they're hard for you to face. Just hang in there, try not to become cynical and bitter, and the right one will come along. Try to do one small thing that will help you connect to Hashem better. Maybe it's one extra chessed a day, one perek of tehillim, whatever.

I also want to comment on, "The few guys I dated were kinda pathetic and i dont know the excitement of being in a relationship." I think it's better that way. Although it seems exciting to date guys that you connect with and form a relationship, it saves you a lot of heartache in the long run if it doesn't work like that. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience. You only need to have this "excitement" with one guy.

Esther

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 12:39 AM

Very well said thinkingBygirl. It's normal for everyone to go through highs and lows in life. If right now, you're not feeling triggered to daven hard, then don't. You'll probably get back into it soon enough.

Done w-
Shidduchim

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 2:51 AM

You really have your head on straight about not getting stuck in that "rut"..is that the right word? Even though you feel like burying yourself in a whole or running away to some far off island you realize that now is the time to take action, and no, you really don't want to get left behind because unfortunately I do believe that sometimes that is what happens to older singles. Try to stay strong and be positive. Are you being redt to the wrong type of boy or you just never connected with any guys? It sounds so frustrating..maybe clarify what type your looking for? But as I said before now is the important time to remain strong. Fortify yourself with something meaningful in your life. A good shiur, trips to visit sick children in the hospital..shaaloch manos packages for those who don't get from anyone..and iyH when the right one comes you will have clarity and feel it right away!

atararox

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 1:17 PM

thanks for your advice guys. its good to hear that you understand and im not going crazy. I do daven alot! shacharis mincha and i say tehillim and karbanos nessiim. i say the yehi ratzon for a zivug and i learn oz vehadar levusha every day. but i feel like im doing so many things and its just draining me of energy. i also listen to shiurim i have a good job with a big social life. but like thinkingbygirls said- i think im just numbing myself from all these emotions. im just scared that i wont be willing and excited when the right one comes. i know ill get married i just want to be sane when it happens. How can i get myself to daven harder and really feel it???

atararox

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 1:30 PM

donewshidduchim- i am dating the right "type" of guys. i just never went for their personality/middos/attractivness(not being shallow). i just come home from every date feeling uch!... and that doesnt push me to daven harder.

heyhey

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 1:45 PM

been there and done that! the system sticks. but their is no way to beat it. so.... my question to you is... do you have married friends who are happily married? do you see their husbands and happy marriages...? Does that or you to say or to think " I might want this?" or does it gross you out thinking ewwww, i am much happier single, and staying single.

Get back to me!

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 3:16 PM

Wow, atararox, it sounds like you are doing a lot of tefilla/hishtadlus type things! Can I ask you - do these things help you feel more connected to Hashem, or are you just going through the motions? If they aren't helping you feel closer to Hashem, then maybe they are having the opposite effect and the result is that they are rebounding, making things worse, meaning the fact that you are doing these things and it's "not working" just causes you to be resentful and feel worse. Can I make a suggestion that you do less but try to focus more? For example, instead of saying karbonos n'seiim, do something more concrete, like learn the Chazzon Ish's Emunah and Bitachon or R' Shalom Arush's Garden of Emunah. (Who am I to discount or discourage anything you are doing, but you're saying that all these things just drain your energy and don't make you feel better, so just relaying what has worked for me.) Also, I don't think you have to be nervous that you'll be too numb to care when the right one comes along. As long as you are aware of and talking about these feelings, I think you are doing okay. It's important to reach out and talk about these things rather than bottling them up and/or shutting them down.

atararox

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 5:58 PM

I definitley have married friends and siblings who are happily married, heyhey. and i do want it! and more than anything i want to be a mother and have good kids i just dont know why i feel so blah about the whole dating thing. i just have no patience lol NONE!
and thinkingbygirl- these things do help me connect to hashem and i really do believe that hashem is doing this to me for a reason. BUT YOUR RIGHT i am having a hard time going through the same things day after day after day...i have had instances in my life before where hashem clearly answered my prayers! i KNOW he is listening and i know its all for my own good. my bitachon is not the problem. its more like i just disconnected myself from dating and shidduchim and its been such a drag that i feel so rejected and alone! but talking about it does help alot and im glad to hear you guys understand. i am in touch with my feelings i just feel dumb talking about it to people i know. my other single friends are the opposite -theyre all dying to get married but they hardly daven or do anything spiritual so they dont get me....my parents are in enough pain that i feel bad telling them what i feel like. so i just smile and make believe im ok. i just feel like ive had it and i dont care anymore.

bitachon

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 6:35 PM

atara rox: i can totally commiserate cuz i'm in the parsha for a number of yrs more than u and i've had my ups and downs ...thinking ok thats it i'm getting married to the oppposite end ok everyone leave me alone.
the number one suggestion would be is not to think that whatever your doing or learing is going to bring your zivug by a specific amount of time because Hashem has his timetable "Rabos mach'shavos b'lev ish...v'atzahs Hashem he takum... so many people get disillusioned bec they expect a segulah to work and it doesnt
number 2: keep davening we all dont give it our best all the time h/e whenever you daven even if your not giving it ur all it's worth so much in Hashem's eyes...
there are def times when ur tefillah will be straight fromthe heart...treasure those!
good luck!! we're all in it together....

atararox

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Post Re: CRISIS!!!!!!
on: February 10, 2013, 9:26 PM

thanks bitachon! i like how you put number 2. thanks for that chizuk! it rlly helped...i gues i just needed to hear it form someone else.
as far as the segulos working - i know its not a gaurauntee....i dont learn and daven as a segulah i do it because i want a closeness to hashem and i want that open line to connect and i want these things to be a part of my life always -not just when i need help. i try to thank hashem for all the blessings i have when i daven too. but thanks for pointing out that even if my davening is not always perfect, it still counts and hashem sees i try! i needed someone to put that into perspective for me.

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