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Author Topic: Advice on Dating?
Rafaella18-
36

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Advice on Dating?
on: June 16, 2017, 7:38 PM

So, a little background. I'm 21 right now but will probably be 22 when I'm ready to start dating. I have unique circumstances that make me feel like I have 0 chances of successfully finding someone. I come from a family where my parents are divorced due to abuse. My mother is a convert and my father is off the derech. I'm a frum girl, my mother is very serious and my brother is in yeshiva. Due to my situation I only spent 6 months in a frum girls high school, after that I was homeschooled. I never went to seminary, and after only one community college semester I got very sick with an auto immune disorder that affects my lungs and muscles. And now my mom has cancer.
Here's the thing though.

1) I'll be in remission soon, and my doctors expect it to last 50 + years with no drawbacks.
2)My mom will survive it.
3) I take Torah and mitzvos very seriously.
4)I'm the first ever in my family to date in the frum and kosher way.

I feel like I don't have a shot, but I don't to give up hope. So my question is how do I approach this? How do I find a shadchan who can help me? And how do I deal with filling out a resume?

Any advice would be appreciated!

s.

Dating Maven

Posts: 66
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Post Re: Advice on Dating?
on: June 17, 2017, 9:26 PM

Hi 🙂

Welcome to the site!

First of all, it sounds like you have had a lot of struggles in life but you seem to be a very strong person despite all that 🙂 That is amazing that you are trying so hard to do the right thing and date in a kosher way.

It really is just the divine timing. I have friends who had all different "reasons" why they thought they could not get married, like the kind of things you described. We all feel discouraged at times and like it will never work out bc of "this family member", or "that medical issue". However all these friends have since gotten married successfully. (Then there are other girls who seem to have everything "right" on paper and don't necessarily get dates often, or wait for years to get married). So it is all in the timing.

Practically-wise, besides for just calling up individual shadchanim and meeting with them, you may want to look at websites like "Yismach.com" (I highly recommend) or PartnersInShidduchim.com which are not "dating" sites, where you communicate directly with the guys, but rather online databases where you can post a resume and have many shadchanim looking out for you.

As far as a profile, I think a good way to go is to list things in a short, precise way without going into many details.. (i.e. It is a beautiful thing that your mother converted, however you do not need to mention this on the resume. My father converted, and I am so proud of him. I just didn't mention this fact on the resume. The first boy I went out with, after I told him about it, thought it was something very special, as his mother had also converted. It didn't work out for other reasons, but anyway..) So yeah, these details -like the reasons for the divorce, or about the health concerns you can save for later on in the dating when you feel more ready to open up-you don't need to go into that on a resume.

Remember that we each have our "bashert" who matches us and will be the other half to our soul. I think I should warn you that some shadchanim (while most are very nice and well-meaning) might say "boys are looking for this" or "boys want that". (Like my friend who was a bit overweight and had a shadchan or two tell her she needed to be skinnier in order to be more "marketable". She is happily married now) But you don't need a bunch of boys. You only need one! The right person will accept you for who you are. So take these kind of comments with a grain of salt.

If your mom is not able to help you out so much right now, if there is someone who you are close with who is older than you and married, who can help you with checking out references of guys you are considering dating, and generally help guide you in the dating process (a dating mentor basically), that could help a lot.

Good luck! Let me know if anything is unclear!

Rafaella18-
36

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Re: Advice on Dating?
on: June 17, 2017, 11:08 PM

S.

Thanks so much for your response! It was extremely helpful and made my millennia. I feel much more hopeful now that I can start putting together a game plane. You are an amazing person!!

s.

Dating Maven

Posts: 66
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Post Re: Advice on Dating?
on: June 20, 2017, 1:53 AM

Hey,

Of course! Glad to hear it was helpful 😀
Maybe some other people on here have some more practical advice, but definitely no need to give up before you even start 🙂

S

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