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Author Topic: Secrets
life123

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Post Secrets
on: November 27, 2013, 12:24 AM

Do you have a secret that you had to tell a boy? If so, when did you tell and what was the reaction?

gold

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Post Re: Secrets
on: November 28, 2013, 12:15 PM

What type of secret? Some things require da'as torah to tell you when and how to reveal something (i.e. medical condition, family situation etc..) but if youre talking about a very normal sensitive piece of info, which we all have 'secrets', it depends on how comfortable you are withe the boy, you have to judge. Cant really put a # on it...good luck!!

life123

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Post Re: Secrets
on: November 28, 2013, 1:44 PM

Yeah I know... I'm just curious what kind of reactions people have and how the # date made a difference.

itpy

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Post Re: Secrets
on: November 28, 2013, 4:23 PM

Life123- R u referring to a big secret ? Or a less significance issue?

life123

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Post Re: Secrets
on: November 29, 2013, 10:51 AM

Oh anything, guys, I'm just trying to stir up conversation

Gayil

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Post Re: Secrets
on: November 30, 2013, 10:48 PM

I feel like there r some things ud never want to tell a guy. Im.not one to keep secrets but if it won't make a difference.to the guy y tell him?
I think it depends on howe comfortable u feel w the topic anyone have examples?

eyeroller9-
0

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 18, 2013, 6:52 PM

Hmm, I struggle with this thought myself. I hope I will find a guy who will accept me and who I will feel comfortable telling but I may just have to keep it to myself. 🙁 very sad.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 19, 2013, 9:57 PM

I can give an example for instance, I have a lot of anxiety and can get really stressed sometimes. And I read somewhere how important it is to speak up and tell the person who you're dating, because eventually it will come out. Better late than never, because then he'll think I was just being dishonest with him and trying to hide it. At the same time, these things are so embarrassing. I guess when the times right and when I feel really comfortable with him ( hopefully!) that I can share mostly anything, this will be one of things to make sure to let him know! Anyone know what I'm saying or in the same boat? Or have other examples/advice??

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 19, 2013, 11:08 PM

It really depends what kind of "secret" you have. Some things you are obligated to tell a guy at a certain point in the dating process. Daas torah should be consulted, of course, as to when you should/need to tell. Other smaller things, well, all I can say is that you should feel comfortable enough with the person that you're marrying to be yourself...in general. Obviously every person is different and everyone's relationships are different so it's hard to make a blanket statement. Like you said, you will hopefully feel comfortable enough to share almost anything. Also like you said, it's detrimental in the long run not to tell. One of the things marriage is about is honesty and being upfront. You're not doing yourself any favors by holding things back. If you're serious about a relationship, you'll feel so much better when the other person knows your "secret." As to when to tell, if it's not a situation where you're obligated to say, use your good judgement. Does he know you well enough yet to see you for who you are and not let this "become" you? (Meaning, when he thinks about you he sees your anxiety, rather than the other myriad other wonderful attributes and personality traits that make you you.) It's also a feeling. You'll know when you're comfortable enough to tell him. Good luck!

daysfan24

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 20, 2013, 2:55 PM

Thanks ThinkingBY-girl, also advice 🙂 Yeah definitely certain things are classified as secrets and others are important to be communicated to the person. I think personality/traits should be told - and other things does not have to if it will not make a difference in the relationship or won't add or hurt in anyway. Like if you stole when you were five years old because you didn't know better, I mean why bring it up? Unless it was something that needed to be said. But, yeah interesting question nonetheless!

alizawolf

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 24, 2013, 10:36 AM

I have a question. If someone has a serious food allergy when do you tell the boy? Should you just try to avoid that food while on the date (if you are eating out) which may be quite hard and uncomfortable or should you tell the boy right away -meaning like date #2?

daysfan24

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 24, 2013, 12:52 PM

Alizawolf- I think if you guys are going out to eat ( hopefully the guy will tell you before hand if hes planning on taking you to eat) then i think you should warn him before. Otherwise, he might get embarrassed etc. But, I don't think necessarily by the second date you should say it unless in the car he saids you want to go out to eat, and then you can just tell him right there and then. But, I don't have a food allergy ( bli ayin hora) so I don't know, maybe someone who has better expertise in this area can give better advice.. good luck!

sem613

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 24, 2013, 1:13 PM

so i have a slight, easy to avoid, food allergy. Meaning it is easy enough for me to order something that doesnt include the foods I'm allergic to. At the same time, it gives a great opening if I'm getting comfortable enough/think its going somewhere and feel I should mention it.
But of course that is very different than with a serious food allergy

of course there is always the method of planning a date at a time that is so not logical to go out to eat (but that doesn't nec. always work, I once went out with someone at 3:00 PM and at 5 he asked if I wanted to go get a bite to eat)

alizawolf

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 24, 2013, 10:21 PM

Thank you for your advise,
Personally I try to avoid saying anything if I can at the beginning...But I have had a situation where we went out at 1 pm and by 4 he asked to go for desert somewhere....
I just want to know what other people do if they have food allergies...

howmuchlon-
ger

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 24, 2013, 11:44 PM

just wondering, is a food allergy really such a secret??

daysfan24

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 9:10 AM

It's relative I guess. What may be one's secret may not be to someone else. Maybe they don't like telling a lot of people- hence it being a secret! 😀

PurplePrin-
cess

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 1:39 PM

A food allergy is a secret if nobody knows about it, but then again, so is your social security number, secret crushes, aveiros you do privately etc etc. I had two kinds of secrets - one I shared with my husband and one not. The one I shared is more like a weakness that a lot of people have, while the one I didn't share is a weakness that not everyone has. When I did tell him the other one, he was fine with it and never made a big deal about it. It wasn't ever mentioned again. The other one? I shall take that with me to my grave.

in the gap

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 3:01 PM

I don't think it is the kind of thing that you should keep quiet if it comes up. If it is a result of a medical condition, like Celiac, then perhaps you should ask a sheila. If it is just a food allergy then there is no reason to not say it, in this case. I also had a food allergy and I kept it quiet for other reasons, but in this case i would have said something.

alizawolf

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 7:31 PM

what if it is celiac?

itpy

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 10:49 PM

When would u tell the guy about a family situation of yours that he prob would find out anyways if u get engaged ? Would u throw it out on beginning dates or wait till things get serious?

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 11:22 PM

It's something you need to use your personal judgement for and is different in every situation. Think about why you might not want to say anything in the beginning. Is it the type of situation that most people don't know and you want to keep it that way? Realize that if you throw that out there during an initial date, you don't know if you can trust him to keep the information quiet. People talk, especially if they think it may be tachlis to tell the next guy who is looking into you. He has no sense of achryus to you to keep it to himself. I would think that you would want to wait to see where it's going before you reveal any such information. Wait until you feel comfortable enough with him...wait until you know he can see you for you and not just let this cloud his image of you...wait until you can see if you can trust him to not tell other people (especially if things don't work out between you). That all being said, if it comes up early on in conversation and you feel like it will help him understand/respect/etc. you then I'd say proceed with caution.

HappyToBe

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Post Re: Secrets
on: December 25, 2013, 11:51 PM

Agree with thinkingBYgirl. With regards to a family situation, definitely should share. If you do not feel comfortable to share it with him at a certain point it is not a good sign. The right one will be able to see you for who you are and appreciate you more because of whatever situation you come from. No one is perfect, I'm sure he isn't either. it is only right that he know, but I do not ascribe to a specific number date to share things on. It's more dependent on how the relationship is progressing. Go with comfort.

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