Quote from Princess Lea on January 29, 2013, 9:53 AM
Let us flip it around: Would you want to know why a guy said no to you? In my case, certainly not. I am fine being told "Oh, your nice, but he doesn't see it going anywhere," without having to beat myself up about my behavior and what I said wrong. In the end, I just accept it that he is not for me without having to thrash my pride.
Also, you don't want to make trouble for someone else. Yes, dancer90's guy did not show proper dating etiquette by sharing a water (seriously, who does that?) but don't volunteer to be the messenger to hurt someone else. Let his brother or mother straighten him out. Additionally, there may be a girl out there who won't mind, who will find sharing a water to be perfectly normal (that's why shared backgrounds are such a perk).
I have known quite a few shadchanim who gleefully gave me minute details of my "flaws" after a fellow said no. Shadchanim are human, and not all of them have mental filters. One cannot always trust them with painful information.
In the end, the path of less words is the best. Keep it vague, keep it as pleasant as possible, thank the shadchan repeatedly for thinking of you, and let's all move on.
Very well said. I was going to say pretty much the same thing.
There is no reason that is going to make someone feel less hurt after a rejection. So keeping it vague along the lines of 'I don't think he is right for me/don't see it going anywhere on the long term/ etc.' is probably the best way to go.
If the shadchan pushes you for a reason 'so she can understand better what you are looking for' (they often play that card to manipulate you into telling them what you didn't like), you can always say that you can't quite put your finger on it right now, but that it didn't feel right to you.
You need to be assertive with shadchanim. The best w to do it, is to keep on repeating the same thing. 'He's a great guy, but I just don't see it working out', or 'I had a lovely time with him, but it didn't feel right for me on the long term'. (Using words like 'the long term' makes you sound focused and serious about getting married- which is what you want the shadchan to think about you).
If you want you can add that hindsight might give you perspective and that you are happy to be in touch with the shadchan in X weeks when you have had time to think about what it was that wasn't right and are better able to formulate and communicate what you are looking for. (Just to get the shadchan off your back).
I always say, it has to be just as much (ok, almost as much) of a click between you and the shadchan, as it needs to be between you and the guy you marry. If the shadchan isn't on your wavelength or doesn't get you, s/he isn't going to be able to help you... HaShem will get you married if He wants to with or without a particular shadchan. If they are manipulative or are making you feel uncomfortable or desperate (by telling you that there aren't any other guys out there just to make you continue dating someone who isn't right for you), or bad in any other way, don't feel bad to move on and network and find some other shadchan who will help you. Sorry, for going off topic- it was just a thought.