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Author Topic: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

Sometimes when girls give a reason to justify their no, the shadchan uses it as a means to convince her to go out again. If she just keeps it simple saying something to the extent of, "Nice boy, but I just don't see it," it gives the shadchan less leverage to argue. On the other hand, don't most people appreciate some sort of justification for ending a shidduch, however fake the reason is? Also, how real should your feedback be, especially if you know it's going to get passed along? Your objective is not to hurt the guy, right? Can you rely on the shadchan to only pass along the part that won't be hurtful?

dancer90

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

.....

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

Let us flip it around: Would you want to know why a guy said no to you? In my case, certainly not. I am fine being told "Oh, your nice, but he doesn't see it going anywhere," without having to beat myself up about my behavior and what I said wrong. In the end, I just accept it that he is not for me without having to thrash my pride.

Also, you don't want to make trouble for someone else. Yes, dancer90's guy did not show proper dating etiquette by sharing a water (seriously, who does that?) but don't volunteer to be the messenger to hurt someone else. Let his brother or mother straighten him out. Additionally, there may be a girl out there who won't mind, who will find sharing a water to be perfectly normal (that's why shared backgrounds are such a perk).

I have known quite a few shadchanim who gleefully gave me minute details of my "flaws" after a fellow said no. Shadchanim are human, and not all of them have mental filters. One cannot always trust them with painful information.

In the end, the path of less words is the best. Keep it vague, keep it as pleasant as possible, thank the shadchan repeatedly for thinking of you, and let's all move on.

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

Quote from Princess Lea on January 29, 2013, 9:53 AM
Let us flip it around: Would you want to know why a guy said no to you? In my case, certainly not. I am fine being told "Oh, your nice, but he doesn't see it going anywhere," without having to beat myself up about my behavior and what I said wrong. In the end, I just accept it that he is not for me without having to thrash my pride.

Also, you don't want to make trouble for someone else. Yes, dancer90's guy did not show proper dating etiquette by sharing a water (seriously, who does that?) but don't volunteer to be the messenger to hurt someone else. Let his brother or mother straighten him out. Additionally, there may be a girl out there who won't mind, who will find sharing a water to be perfectly normal (that's why shared backgrounds are such a perk).

I have known quite a few shadchanim who gleefully gave me minute details of my "flaws" after a fellow said no. Shadchanim are human, and not all of them have mental filters. One cannot always trust them with painful information.

In the end, the path of less words is the best. Keep it vague, keep it as pleasant as possible, thank the shadchan repeatedly for thinking of you, and let's all move on.

Very well said. I was going to say pretty much the same thing.

There is no reason that is going to make someone feel less hurt after a rejection. So keeping it vague along the lines of 'I don't think he is right for me/don't see it going anywhere on the long term/ etc.' is probably the best way to go.
If the shadchan pushes you for a reason 'so she can understand better what you are looking for' (they often play that card to manipulate you into telling them what you didn't like), you can always say that you can't quite put your finger on it right now, but that it didn't feel right to you.
You need to be assertive with shadchanim. The best w to do it, is to keep on repeating the same thing. 'He's a great guy, but I just don't see it working out', or 'I had a lovely time with him, but it didn't feel right for me on the long term'. (Using words like 'the long term' makes you sound focused and serious about getting married- which is what you want the shadchan to think about you).

If you want you can add that hindsight might give you perspective and that you are happy to be in touch with the shadchan in X weeks when you have had time to think about what it was that wasn't right and are better able to formulate and communicate what you are looking for. (Just to get the shadchan off your back).

I always say, it has to be just as much (ok, almost as much) of a click between you and the shadchan, as it needs to be between you and the guy you marry. If the shadchan isn't on your wavelength or doesn't get you, s/he isn't going to be able to help you... HaShem will get you married if He wants to with or without a particular shadchan. If they are manipulative or are making you feel uncomfortable or desperate (by telling you that there aren't any other guys out there just to make you continue dating someone who isn't right for you), or bad in any other way, don't feel bad to move on and network and find some other shadchan who will help you. Sorry, for going off topic- it was just a thought.

meant2be

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

I had this one pushy shadchun who despite telling me she didnt want to push me to go out again, was doing just that. She Would not accept the fact that I didnt want to go out again, and kept questioning me for a reason and furthermore when I tried to give a reason she told me my reason was not valid!!!!!. It happens to be she really thought I would be a good match for the guy, who happened to be her husbands best friend, but to the point i felt soo much pressure and stressed out it was HORRIBLE. I dont react well when people try to pressure me to do something I dont feel is right and she made me feel guilty like I was the worst person out there bec I said no. Thank You for the advice, tryingsoha-rd, I will defin use that answer: "I just can't quite put my finger on it right now, but that it didn't feel right."

heyhey

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

meant 2 be 🙂

Bayla

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

dancer 90, really feel that the boy would benefit from knowing how pathetic he looked. The shadchan should also definitely know that this boy has an issue, whatever you want to call it. Here she is redting him to normal girls who are all saying no after one date. Just look at it for a minute from her perspective. She is putting time and effort in on both ends and then she keeps getting one daters with this guy and she can't figure out why. Someone should tell this poor boy so that he can find himself a girl!!! I'm not saying that he is normal and yes, this is something that nobody should have to tell him and the fact is that he has a problem. Even a rebbe or a friend may be a good idea..nothing to do with you, just to help this poor boy put himself in place! Anyone agree?

dancer90

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

bayla, the shadchan was a neighbor of his. not an official shadchan.. so its not like shes constantly setting him up.thats why im hesitant. is it really her business??? also this boy was not young or new at dating. its hard for me to believe that no one ever said anything till now. but maybe telling a rebbe is a good idea.

heyhey

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?

dancer 90. if it was a neighbor who will prob. set you up again. i wld. if it's a weird reson i say make it up. at this point in our life we need EVERYONE to be into us and to think we are great and to never CV"Shalom say " i am not reading her a shidduch again!"

Princess10-
1

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: February 27, 2013, 1:25 PM

My rule is that if he/she is mature enough to start dating then he/she are mature enough to be rejected. As for a reason, if it is a reason they can do something about and the advice will benefit the other side I think that the boy/girl should tell the shaddcan and they should rely the message in the nicest way possible. 🙂

iThink

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: February 27, 2013, 3:11 PM

Princess Lea- well said, I agree

patcha

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: March 3, 2013, 7:13 PM

It's nice if you do

Cherry

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: March 3, 2013, 7:28 PM

it definitely is nice to turn down a date in the most mentchlech manner; However you should never feel presssured to give a reason nor go out against your will.

Sari

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: March 3, 2013, 9:16 PM

I personally think it is very important to give a reason to the shadchan for saying no. If you don't give a reason the shadchan will likely think that you are just picky and will not redt you a shidduch again. If you give a reason though she might think of another boy for you.

Cherry

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: March 3, 2013, 9:59 PM

You do what YOU feel comfortable with. the shadchan is only the shaliach. Your bashert will come to you no matter what the shadchan's perception is of you. Handle yourself with dignity and grace in the most mentchlech assertive manner and you are sure to go very far. You should never feel presure or fear to do anything against your will.
The shadchan is WORKING for you and knows what you are looking for. If she lead you on to go out with someone that is not at all in your ballmark, She has the explaining to do, not you.

malkyg

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Post Re: Do you need to provide a reason when you give a "no"?
on: April 1, 2014, 12:49 PM

VeAhavtah LeReiacha Kamocha. Would you want somebody to reject you without an explanation? I've always given a reason, and I've had reasons given about me, too.

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