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Author Topic: Stay At Home Mom
pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 7:26 AM

I'm currently dating a "learning boy" I really want to marry a learning boy at the same time I also really want to be a home with my kids IM"H. If it came down to it and the two were a contradiction I would probably continue working (somewhat out of guilt) but I wouldn't be so happy about it. My question is, should I tell him that ie. my two feelings, or will that make him nervous that he might get pressured to leave kollel early
Thanks!

dschecht13

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 8:06 AM

You should be honest about your feelings. It is not a smart idea to enter into a relationship with half truths. Be honest, tell him what you told us. B'hatzlacha

in the gap

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 8:47 AM

You should tell him, and maybe even go as far as not looking into a long term learner. If this is important to you the you should be honest with what sort of a home you want to build. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mother and in a way you are being more honest than those people who think they want a learning boy, but really don't.

feigy123

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 9:23 AM

I agree with "in the gap".

You aren't just telling him because he needs to know. You are telling him because you need him to know. You aren't going to be happy in the marriage either, if this is something that will make him unhappy.

iThink

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 11:59 AM

Quote from in the gap on June 4, 2013, 8:47 AM
You should tell him, and maybe even go as far as not looking into a long term learner. If this is important to you the you should be honest with what sort of a home you want to build. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mother and in a way you are being more honest than those people who think they want a learning boy, but really don't.

Couldn't have said it better.

basmelech

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 1:34 PM

Quote from dschecht13 on June 4, 2013, 8:06 AM
You should be honest about your feelings. It is not a smart idea to enter into a relationship with half truths. Be honest, tell him what you told us. B'hatzlacha

Great advice! 🙂

patcha

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 1:59 PM

I think it is important that you feel safe that he accepts you as you are. You can't know if he does unless you let him find out who you are, and this is part of who you are. So you need to tell him.

heyhey

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 8:11 PM

I think that when it gets more serious you should tell him. Also mention to him WHY it is important for you to be that stay at home mom. Chances are once he gets to know you more and hear your reasoning he will respect it.

Much Hatzlacha 🙂

feigy123

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 4, 2013, 8:59 PM

Quote from patcha on June 4, 2013, 1:59 PM
I think it is important that you feel safe that he accepts you as you are. You can't know if he does unless you let him find out who you are, and this is part of who you are. So you need to tell him.

This is a really really good point. You don't get any validation out of the relationship if you always think that he loves someone who isn't you.

sem613

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 6, 2013, 6:49 AM

Also, if this guy doesn't work out, before you let yourself be set up figure out if you want to be a kollel wife or a stay at home mom and date based on that. There's nothing wrong with telling the shadchan you want a short term learner or a parttime learner if that's what you want and think you need.
For example: I chose a low paying profession that I love, knowing that that means I can't marry a longtime learner, and accepted that.
If you keep looking for a learner and then telling them that you won't want to keep working, you may be in shidduchim for a very long time and have a hard time finding the right boy.

iThink

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 6, 2013, 11:38 AM

sem613

Good point, and welcome! 🙂

patcha

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 7, 2013, 12:39 PM

Thanks feigy.

hannahr

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 1:41 PM

I have a different kind of dilemma- I'm on a premed track, and I'm desperate to be a doctor, but I also really want to be a SAHM, because my mom was one for me and that fact really defined my childhood in so many wonderful ways.
I'm still not sure exactly what I'm going to do. (I'm not dating yet, so I'm kind of dodging the issue this second.) I may just use my premed science credits and find some other related type of job/Master's degree, but I'm really torn.
I know this must be really hard for you, but you owe it both to you and to the guys you go out with to figure out which one you really prefer. You want a guy who loves you for who you are and not for how you were marketed. You want contentment and fulfillment in your life without TOO much doubt about whether you did the right thing. (I can't say NO doubt, because that never happens.)
If you pick to marry a learning guy, start working, start having kids and only then realize that you really, really want to stay at home, it's going to start to pressure your husband, and this isn't what he signed up for.
Remember, you can have a Torahdik, amazing home without a husband who learns full time, and you can have a warm, caring and close-knit home while working.
Depending on what point you are at in the relationship has a lot to do with whether you should discuss this with him or not. Either way, try to flesh it out with someone whose opinion you trust ASAP.
Hatzlacha.

patcha

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 1:46 PM

hannah: premed wants to be a SAHM???

Wow that's conflict. 🙂

hannahr

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 3:21 PM

patcha: don't I know it....I mean, I'm going to have done quite a bit of college before I get married, and depending on your field, after you're experienced you can get a decent amount of flexibility, but that would take a LONG time.
I'm seriously torn- I'm definitely discussing it with my mom and my mentors.

feigy123

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 3:31 PM

how about nursing, and work night shift. Can be home lots with kids then.

hannahr

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 8:08 PM

feigy: My cousin does that- it works out really well for her, because she's a total night owl.
I don't know- maybe. I'm thinking maybe PA. Or I might just go for the whole deal if I decide that it's worth it.
But to OP, sometimes you do need to choose between two amazing things, and that's definitely tough. I hope you are able to make the decision with clarity.

iThink

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 13, 2013, 10:38 PM

hannahr-hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents (not sure whether you were just sharing b4, or welcoming advice), but it might help if you can pinpoint what it is about being a doctor that gets you excited. Is it the medicine (science), the patient care (doc-patient relationship)? If you can answer that, then it might be easier for you to think of a profession within medical field that will satisfy your career and SAHM dreams without giving up either. Just a thought.

hannahr

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 14, 2013, 4:32 PM

iThink- really, I was just sharing, not trying to hijack pray today's thread, but what you bring up is definitely something I think about. I think it's really a mixture. The science is utterly amazing and fascinating (what I would love to be is a medical geneticist- but trust me, if you think being a doctor takes a long time, just take that eight years and residency and add about three fellowships on top), but until I began to obsess over science, I'd wanted to be a clinical social worker, as I wanted to deal with and help people. It's a mixture of the two. It's definitely part of my decision making process.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 15, 2013, 11:52 PM

so hannar if we have any medical questions can we ask you???

hannahr

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Post Re: Stay At Home Mom
on: June 16, 2013, 12:13 PM

Bracha613: Ummm... as much as I'd like to think that I know enough to be able to help... you're probably better off going with a real doctor. 🙂

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