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Author Topic: Need advice fast
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Post Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 4:25 PM

I have a situation now... A family friend decided I would be great for her son's friend, and she pushed his family until they agreed to it. My parents didn't look into him too much because they trust her and know how much she put into it. But really, she doesn't know me at all - she's seen me, but we never had a real conversation.
So I went out with this boy, and from the first words on the first date I decided he isn't for me. He asked me where I wanted to go, and then was like, "It's not fair to ask that" and then pushed go on the gps - it was already programmed. That was way too pushy for me. Then as he talked (way too much) he was loud, used funny voices, mimicked people and languages, talked way too much about other people. He used some words I didn't consider appropriate for a date - nothing too terrible but not best behavior language. He kept saying stuff like "Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this but..." and then I had to say "ok" and he told me - nothing too bad but not date material. And its not like he dated 100 people so of course he wasn't tense. i could totally see him talking to girls - not any girl on the street but girls at a simcha that I wouldn't approve of a boy talking to. Also, he was busy talking about books - and I'm not against having a good vocabulary, but I doubt he limits his reading to what I'd consider appropriate.
I'm a quieter, more serious type but I have what I call 'interview skills' - I tend to mimic the person I'm talking to. So I found myself taking more loudly, less refinedly, and I definitely don't think I was myself. If he'd just been a friend I'd have no problem - so once in a while I see a friend who is a little louder. But I don't want to marry that kind of person.
I gave him a second chance - my mother pushed- and that was better because he felt a bit cowed by the acoustics and spoke more quietly, but he still didn't meet what I'm looking for. When he spoke about Torah and learning, I was totally fine, but once in a while he'd stick in a phrase like "cool! you won a million dollars!" and similar very american phrases - and this was in regard to learning, which I really didn't like. He talked about Garfield, and showed me a text, mentioned something about not getting fresh by not taking showers in the 9 days - and I don't think that is good dating behavior.
Anyway, so after my second date last night I told my parents to tell the shadchan I said no. The boy wants to go out again - to him it looks like I had a great time - and I had once I made up my mind I wasn't marrying him, and treated him in my mind like a friend. So the shadchan wants to speak to me to figure out why and I have to call her back soon.
NOW here is the problem - what do I tell her? That he's too loud? Her daughter is quiet and married another really loud, wild guy, so she doesn't hold with that. That he isn't yeshivish enough? That really covers everything but that's insulting to her, because they have the same type of family.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 4:35 PM

I hear you and this is a tough situation- I guess I would leave it very general because if you go into specifics, some people read into every detail and would find every reason to give it another try. I would say, I didn't think our personalities matched and didn't think there was enough chemistry to pursue any further.

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 4:36 PM

My father spoke to her first - and she wants me to call her with specifics... So any nice adjectives for loud, american, not yeshivish, doesn't know what's appropriate to say?

daysfan24

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 4:46 PM

Hmmm.. even then I would still try and make it very very non-specific. How about.. I didn't particularly like how he presented himself and the topics of conversation he chose. I didn't think they were very appropriate and it wasn't my style of speaking. I also didn't like his dating etiquette. Although- I do have to warn you, if she's the pushy type, she might suggest that she talk to him and try to change his dating pattern. I don't know if you'd give him another chance if that were to occur... Anyways, good luck!! Hope that helps at all!!

patcha

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 5:01 PM

Just because she wants specifics doesn't mean you have to give her specifics. Tell her you just weren't attracted to him. If she doesn't want to hear that, say that you appreciate the thought but it is simply not right for you.

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 5:27 PM

That as REALLY bad!!! I called and she said so what's going on, he had a great time, and I spoke to his mother... and I told her I felt I wasn't myself, he was a little loud, whatever, and she went on and on about how maybe it was because he was on a date, he's really the most aidel and refined, and brought up her daughter and her son's spouses, and he's such a wonderful boy... and on and on and on. And every few minutes I was like yeah ok uh huh and then when she gave me a chance to speak I said I wasn't so comfortable, I don't think its shayuch, keeping my foot down and refusing to make him date someone who won't marry him. She's like, he's so refined, and he really wants to learn, and thats what your looking for - like she's telling me I won't find anyone better... And finally she said ok, I'll keep an eye out for you. And we hung up, both upset, but at least I held my tongue and didn't say anything about yeshivishness because that would have insulted her and probably wouldn't have helped. And now my mother's like, we should send flowers for Shabbos, she put so much into this, you should have married that last boy (who was quiet etc to my tastes but not committing to learning).

daysfan24

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 5:42 PM

I dislike it so much when someone tries to pressure you into something you just know isn't for you. Or even worse make it sound you'll regret if you say no. Don't listen to her, you know what you want and good for you for putting your foot down. There's a difference between encouraging and then really going beyond whats appropriate.

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 5:49 PM

And my father just called me - her son who is this boy's friend doesn't see how I could possibly think he isn't quiet and wants to talk to me (he is married) - I said no way, it's bad enough I had to talk to his mother. They decided I'm perfect for him, have invested in it, and aren't giving up. Yeesh!

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 7:10 PM

Be firm but polite. Don't let anyone push you around. You don't have to do anyone favors here; shidduchim is not a gemach. Look out for yourself and be up front and honest. There really is not need to have another conversation, but if they must, don't make it about him because then they can defend him and you will never hear the end of it. Tell them you weren't comfortable with him even if it seemed like you had a good time. If they need more detail, you can tell them that you don't like who you are with him, and despite that he's a great boy, you don't deny that, you don't like what he brings out in you. Finito.

s.

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 8, 2013, 7:39 PM

A bit late I guess but for the future and for everyone else on here:

I know it's hard, but definitely avoid speaking with anyone from their side as much as possible! You gave it a good shot and that is that. I had a similar situation recently where I went out with a family friend's son. The good thing was Baruch Hashem for the first time my mother spoke to the shadchan the whole time instead of me. (Usually I would just speak to the shadchan directly the whole time). Even when I saw the shadchan in the street and she would ask me how it was going I would say "I'd rather if you spoke with my mother" very politely and Baruch Hashem it was a LOT easier having that pressure off (of having to explain my reasons to the shadchan, who would try to get me to go out again and again and question me). It's not always practical but in this case it was very crucial to my being able to have a clear head the whole time and I would even consider doing it for future dating.

You do NOT have to give such specific reasons (unless you know the shadchan is not the pushy type and feel she should really know why so she can set you up better next time). "I can't put my finger on it but I am absolutely sure he is not for me." works very well.

gold

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 9, 2013, 8:03 PM

Thinking BY: very good point: focus on yourself and on the fact that he doesnt bring out the best in you....noone can argue with that.

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: July 9, 2013, 8:56 PM

Thanks for all your help guys. Unfortunately, not everyone works with reason. If someone put a lot into a shidduch, they are (naturally) disappointed, and I'm really ok with that since I may not be so pleasant if something doesn't work out. In this case, they totally didn't understand me, and I get that - it makes sense, from where they were coming from. Hopefully my experience will only be a kaparah.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Need advice fast
on: September 24, 2013, 8:01 AM

It sounds like you have a great attitude and a good head on your shoulders. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this and I wish you much hatzlacha with the next guy!

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