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Author Topic: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!
Bayla

Dating Maven

Posts: 84
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Post He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Hi there, just wanted to get your opinion on this one. Since this was date number four, and I live out of town I was asked to meet him half way. Okay, sounds fair. The date went okay, I am still very unsure of where this one is going but I got pretty sure after he just left me to find my car alone in a parking garage in the dark! Yelp! I know, do you think he just wasn't thinking? I was scared stiff! He said good bye, thanked me for the date and turned toward the direction of his car. Well, then I was left to go get on the elevator in the parking garage (Scary too because who knows what type of ppl you can meet then) take it to number 6 and then find my car there. Is this a strange story or is it me? Let me know cuz I think I already know what to tell the shadchan..but before that I wanted to hear what all of you have to say..thanks!!

Sari

Dating Maven

Posts: 181
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

hi,
I'll just get to the point.I have a brother who is dating like me and i asked him whats the deal that some boys walk back and some boys don't ?He said sometimes the boy just doesn't realize what has to be done and what should be done. Like in your situation, he should've realized that it was dark and scary. It could be an innocent mistake. It could be that if he were to drop you off at your house he would walk you all the way to the door. Also my brother said that you really can't judge a person just by that action since today it is very rarely seen that the boy opens the car door for the girl at all, so that whole car scene kind of doesn't exist anymore.
Good luck and i really hope that you never have to walk alone in the dark again.

Avigail

Dating Maven

Posts: 130
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Sari, boys don't open car doors anymore? Not where I'm from!
Bayla, I totally agree with you freaking out, I would have been petrified. You should have asked him to walk you to your car when you saw him turning away. That's what I would have done. It was date number 4 anyway, right? I wouldn't say no because of this though. I hear what Sari is saying. He probably was clueless.

Bracha

Dating Maven

Posts: 62
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Clueless, Shmueless. Do you want a clueless guy as a husband??? Isn't this the point of dating? To look out for these things?!

tryingsoha-
rd

Dater

Posts: 41
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Bayla- I agree with Bracha... but also think that (if you are still dating him) you could bring it up next time you see him. I would use this as an opportunity to see what your and his communication skills are like and see how he reacts with a gentle direction (not criticism). I would bring it up not in an angry/hurt kind of way, but in a more, 'I'm just wondering about this... not sure what to think... I was confused by this... can you help me understand.... ' I generally preface it with, 'you are generally very caring, attentive, menchlich, so I'm just wondering whether you were in a rush, or had something on your mind...?'
That way he can respond without being defensive and you can just let him know that you really like it when guys walk you to your car/door etc...

In case you aren't dating him anymore... and you find yourself in a similar situation again, it's totally fine to do the SDID (Sweet Damsel In Distress)- thing and just ask him if he minds helping you find your car, because it's dark and scary up there. Trust me, he will love that you turned to him and asked him to fill the role of protector, and that you showed that you needed protecting etc.

Miriam

Dating Maven

Posts: 51
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

tryingsohard..your should be a coach!!! How long have you been dating for? Your amazing!!!!! Seriously??? Or maybe your just super smart and mature. With that being said we actually dated another two times before he felt that I wasn't for him due to Hashkafa reasons. We spoke about different things and realized that we weren't on the same page. I have moved on..in a similar situation I would bring it up as you mentioned because isn't that what marriage is all about and seeing his reaction really would be great. It would be hard for me to bring it up like uh..I was kinda scared walking to the car..why did you just leave me? No, I would have to sit and formulate just the right things to say so that it doesn't come out in an accusing way. And or course I could have asked him and that too is a tool for marriage..to ask for help when you need it..so your one step ahead so iyH you should find the right boy really soon!!!!

Aviva

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Posts: 8
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Bayla, you are correct that he should have been intuitive enough to know to walk you to your car, but he may have just been oblivious. Is it possible you are the first "out-of-towner" he's dated? He may not have known any better. I usually look at these things as warning signs. Meaning, pay attention on future dates to see if other things come up that show he's insensitive. Otherwise, try to give him the benefit of the doubt! Hatzlocha!

tryingsoha-
rd

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Posts: 41
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Quote from Miriam on January 20, 2013, 3:56 AM
tryingsohard..your should be a coach!!! How long have you been dating for? Your amazing!!!!! Seriously??? Or maybe your just super smart and mature. With that being said we actually dated another two times before he felt that I wasn't for him due to Hashkafa reasons. We spoke about different things and realized that we weren't on the same page. I have moved on..in a similar situation I would bring it up as you mentioned because isn't that what marriage is all about and seeing his reaction really would be great. It would be hard for me to bring it up like uh..I was kinda scared walking to the car..why did you just leave me? No, I would have to sit and formulate just the right things to say so that it doesn't come out in an accusing way. And or course I could have asked him and that too is a tool for marriage..to ask for help when you need it..so your one step ahead so iyH you should find the right boy really soon!!!!

Thanks Miriam!
At least my dating experience can help someone!!
I've been dating for a looooong time and BH can say that I've learned alot from it... I've become a better communicator and am BH able to help others with it. Feel free to contact me on this site if you have any other questions!
PS: (Just for laughs) guys often send messages back to me (after we break up) through mutual friends that they really appreciated that I pointed stuff out to them while we were dating and that they really thought about some of the stuff I told them and have tried to apply it to their dating. So maybe you will come accros some of the guys that I 'helped'... 😉
On a more 'pay it forward' type of note: Sometimes it's a chessed to the next girl that the guy is gonna date, if you point something out nicely to them... Just a thought...

cs22

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

The Bione Rebbe says that the way a person is on the dates, is how he is also going to be after he is married. people don't change.

Avigail

Dating Maven

Posts: 130
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

😛

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: He didnt walk me to my car in the parking garage!?!

Let me tell you a secret: a lot of these "chivalrous" things that guys do on dates, they don't do them because they are intuitive or because they thought to do them out of chivalry or common sense. They either have a great dating mentor who tells them what they should do, or they have picked up these things up from their friends, others who may have coached them (mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, other females in their life), girls who have pointed things out, shadchanim who have passed along constructive criticism, etc. Lots of time it has more to do with the fact that "this is what is done," rather than they feel strongly that they should open every door for you and walk you to your door. So when anyone says about a guy who goofed at one or more of these artificial gestures that this is how he's going to be after marriage, I don't think it holds much salt. Judge his middos and intentions on other things. See how he treats the people you guys interact with on your dates. How does he react when a car cuts him off? Etc etc. And agreeing with Aviva, he might just have been oblivious. You can mention it to the shadchan and s/he can find a constructive way to pass it along.

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