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Author Topic: Getting Back To The Shadchan
Shira

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 28, 2013, 3:28 PM

I went out 4 dates with a guy and after every date he took a really long to get back to get back to the shadchan. Two of the times we could have gone out again if he would have gotten back to us in time but he didn't. Every time he had some lame excuse why it took him so long. Do you think this is a red flag??
I would bring it up with him but I don't want to make it sound like I think his excuses were lame.

patcha

Dating Coach

Posts: 445
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 28, 2013, 5:54 PM

If someone brings a red flag on a date, is that a red flag?

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 28, 2013, 6:00 PM

If someone takes you to a bull fight on a date, is that a red flag

s.

Dating Maven

Posts: 66
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 29, 2013, 4:23 PM

how long is "really long"? i know sometimes i just want to sleep on it before getting back to the shadchan. but even a few days- it could be a really innocent reason like he may have just wanted to discuss it with someone first before deciding to go out again (and sometimes it takes time to reach people when they are available), in which case he obviously wouldnt want to tell you that, to avoid making things awkward for you both on the next date.

anyway if it bothers you though then definitely try to find out if this is a general character trait in him or just specific to this situation. i wouldnt necessarily ask him straight out, but maybe try to steer the conversation towards how you each handle things like decision making or who you speak to for advice, etc.

also, you can ask the shadchan to let him know that you would appreciate an answer from him sooner (obviously not in an accusing way)

Shira

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 29, 2013, 11:35 PM

Like a whole day after and it was annoying because he knew I was in town and could go out again. The Shadchan was also annoyed at him but then he came along with his lame excuse idk what to think! I'm wondering if maybe he's a controlling person and this his way of feeling like he's controlling me who knows!?

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 30, 2013, 1:29 AM

What were his 'lame' excuses; could there be any truth in them? Do you think he's really unsure about you and that's why he's taking this long between each date? You need to find out why he's dragging his feet or even if this is what this is. Maybe something else is going on in his life right now and the excuse for the lag time is legit.

Do more extensive research, is my advice. I wouldn't necessarily think that this is a red flag in it of itself. Are there other things that you've picked up on that you think might be red flags? If it happens again, you might want to bring it up in some innocuous way. Make some joke or mention it in a passing comment. If you don't phrase it as an accusation or such then he won't be defensive.

(As an example, a guy was once really late for a date and when he finally picked me up he apologized nonchalantly, and so I was kind of wondering what was going on. During the date, I mentioned something about there being a lot of traffic and I ended up finding out something valuable about the guy's personality...)

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Getting Back To The Shadchan
on: June 30, 2013, 2:01 AM

Seems like the kind of thing you could eventually discuss with him and find out what his reasons were.

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