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Author Topic: Do looks really matter?
2funny

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Post Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 10:47 AM

Hi everyone. I have been dating someone for a little while now and he seems like a great guy and fits the picture. However... he is not so attractive.You might say I am a bit shallow and its the inside that counts. But I want to be proud when i walk down the street with him (my future husband). I have a problem where i care about what people think about me. My brothers say "ok, its good. Now you wont be getting any ayin hara". Oh man. Do looks really matter? Will i learn to overcome this and be proud of my husband no matter what? I'm afraid that if i push this any further i might be giving him the wrong idea. but not completely because i do like him, just not the way he really looks. I'm stuck. I hope i was clear enough.

patcha

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 11:06 AM

If as you date him, his looks recede into the background and stop bothering you, that is a sign he's the right one for you. OTOH if it bothers you more each time, that is the sign of a problem.

The question is not whether he is objectively attractive, but whether you, 2funny, personally, finds him attractive. It's very hard when you really like someone, but they turn out not to be for you in an important way. Sometimes the dealbreaker is age, personality, geography, and sometimes it's attractiveness. When that happens, I think it's best to finish the relationship as soon as possible. You're right to worry about leading him on. Perhaps you can take a break from dating, and see if he seems more attractive when you start dating again. I know someone who did that and ended up marrying the boy.
I wish you hatzlacha!

dancer90

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 11:10 AM

haha read the latest segment of ongoing story. you might find it interesting 😉 and i agree with patcha. you need to think if the looks are growing on you at all or if the first thing you think about when you see him is "omg hes ugly'' ...

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 4:52 PM

Just for the record, there's a big difference if a guy doesn't find a girl attractive than if the girl doesn't find the guy attractive. Obviously a girl shouldn't be repulsed by her prospective chosson's looks, but if it's just that she doesn't think he's so good looking, it might not matter that much. Many times when you get to know someone and like them, meaning that you appreciate who they are, their looks end up not making the biggest difference...unless they do. If you can't look past it, it could be an issue.

What you have to ask yourself is if this is about that he isn't okay looking enough for you to be okay with who he is in the broader picture and it will constantly be a regret, or are you worried what other people will think? In the long run how much does the latter really matter if he is everything else you are looking for? Idk you, so it might. Think it over, and as always, seek hadracha. G'luck!

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 5:50 PM

Thanks everyone. I'm on to another date with him tonight.
Hopefully his looks will recede in the background :0

feigy123

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 9:16 PM

We all know looks matter more to boys than to girls. Do you think that needs to be the case?

patcha

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 10:12 PM

Feigy: No, it matters to girls too. At least some.

2funny: Let us know how it goes!

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 21, 2013, 11:31 PM

Hi guys, im back!
Thanks for your advice:

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on April 21, 2013, 4:52 PM
Many times when you get to know someone and like them, meaning that you appreciate who they are, their looks end up not making the biggest difference...

I was really trying to pay attention more to what he was saying (some pretty deep stuff) that to how he looks. It is something that I am going to try to work on myself to like the person more for who they are than how they look. But its hard. So i think i'm going to give it a couple more tries and if nothing happens then i guess its the end of that.

patcha

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 22, 2013, 5:37 AM

2funny: Did it recede into the background, or bother you the same amount? Were you able to pay more attention to what he said?

Done w-
Shidduchim

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 22, 2013, 7:48 AM

I'm sorry, he might be a terrific guy but you need to like his looks and be attracted to him. I don't really understand what the question is.

market

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 23, 2013, 12:33 PM

There's a big difference btwn not being into his looks and having something about his looks bother you. If there's nothing bothering you and your just not in2 it then I say keep giving it a shot till you know more about him and his looks are just a side point. But if there's something bothering you that still does after a while, that's scary. I heard about s/o that married a guy when s/t about his looks bothered him and e/t else was good. They were married for a number of years, they have children, and it's still always on her mind, she's not happy. Don't want to freak you out...just something to think about. Anyway, it sounds to me that your just not in2 his looks, just wanted to mention that story anyway.

bitachon

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 23, 2013, 5:22 PM

Quote from 2funny on April 21, 2013, 11:31 PM
Hi guys, im back!
Thanks for your advice:

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on April 21, 2013, 4:52 PM
Many times when you get to know someone and like them, meaning that you appreciate who they are, their looks end up not making the biggest difference...

I was really trying to pay attention more to what he was saying (some pretty deep stuff) that to how he looks. It is something that I am going to try to work on myself to like the person more for who they are than how they look. But its hard. So i think i'm going to give it a couple more tries and if nothing happens then i guess its the end of that.

sounds like our on going story and shaindy
i would speak to a mentor and ask bec you may just be leading him on and he has no clue how your not attracted and if you do drop him its painful. your mentor could advise you the proper protocol
hatzlacha

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 23, 2013, 11:52 PM

Let me be more specific with you guys. Its not like he is ugly or anything. But something that bothers me is that he has long peyos. I didnt grow up with people like him and my brothers peyos are short and behind the ear. (Here i go again about looks). Should i expect that eventually if we were to get married he would cut them a little shorter? I dont know what to do because i like his personality. Maybe its time to talk to my mentor.

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 23, 2013, 11:57 PM

Quote from market on April 23, 2013, 12:33 PM
I heard about s/o that married a guy when s/t about his looks bothered him and e/t else was good. They were married for a number of years, they have children, and it's still always on her mind, she's not happy.

Wow, that's scary. I hope this wont happen to me. And that's what i'm afraid of. I expect too much of myself thinking that it wont matter and i wont be thinking about his looks. But what if it will still bother me?.......

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 12:05 AM

Is he chasidish?

pray today

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 12:14 AM

It's interesting I once went out with this guy who had like these birth marks on his face, and I noticed that whenever the date wasn't going well it would start to bother me, and whenever it was going fine I barely noticed it.

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 12:28 PM

pray today- we have the same background but he decided to become more chassidish.

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 9:54 PM

Guys, I need to vent.
Im having a meltdown and I was just crying. This is what people have told me so far. "2funny, people change all the time. You need to look at the big picture." And then someone gave me an example of how lets say some guy wanted to marry a skinny beautiful girl, they get married but after she has their first child she is no longer a size 2, what is her husband supposed to do , divorce her?
Why are people making me sound like i am so out of line here? Am I?I dont believe that in this example the husband should divorce his wife for being fat but I dont feel validated with my own feelings about my own matter. Im not sure i want people to tell me to stop dating him but how can one just suddenly become chassidish for example? I dont understand it. Maybe one day I will and understand that people do change. But why should i have to change. Of course we should strive for greatness and the next level (not saying being chassidish is the highest level) but I'm comfortable in my own skin.
In summary, people tell me that everyone changes as they get older and you never know if one day (going back to my peyos issue) your husband would want to start growing his peyos because he thinks its more chashuv.

Oh, and another thing that people have been saying to me. "Man plans and G-d laughs". There are people who think that they know exactly what they want and they always say how they will never do XYZ but in the end they do!
Argh!! Why does it have to be so complicated.

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:03 PM

oh gosh!!!!!!! sounds frustrating! but i dont understand...is the issue his long peyos or is it that hes more chassidish than you and you dont want to be more chassidish??? big difference!

iThink

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:04 PM

2funny-

I don't understand: besides for the peyos, is his lifestyle and dress more chassidish than you pictured your husband to be? Or is it just the peyos?

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:12 PM

Im still trying to understand his lifestyle. (Im not chassidish). Thats why i feel so stuck. I dont have the big picture and thats why i dont want to say no so quickly because i might be missing out on someone great. From what i know is that he is someone that can help me achieve my goals and he is a great guy. But YES. His peyos do bother me (somewhat). I feel confused and even i dont think i understand myself... 🙁

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:19 PM

Why would someone set you up with a guy who has long peyos if you are not chassidish???? Did you know about his peyos before and you agreed to go out with him anyways? i mean thats soemthing obvious like a beard, that people would tell you before you go out, no?

iThink

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:23 PM

Quote from 2funny on April 24, 2013, 9:54 PM
Why are people making me sound like i am so out of line here? Am I?I dont believe that in this example the husband should divorce his wife for being fat but I dont feel validated with my own feelings about my own matter. Im not sure i want people to tell me to stop dating him but how can one just suddenly become chassidish for example? I dont understand it. Maybe one day I will and understand that people do change. But why should i have to change. Of course we should strive for greatness and the next level (not saying being chassidish is the highest level) but I'm comfortable in my own skin.

If I'm reading this right, you agree with the fact that people change, so technically the picture perfect guy is no guarantee. But you are still frustrated that people are using that fact as "proof" that it is almost illogical to say no because of this, because who said that someone who dresses more like you'd want won't change at some point?

I don't know how big of a deal this peyos thing is for you. But the more it bothers you, the more you'll be frustrated about having to "settle" for the look you don't like. Right now I'd wait till you feel calmer about the situation, and then speak to someone who can help you get some clarity on this issue.

Here are some questions I'd ask myself:

Is the long peyos look something that you really find unattractive, or is it the fact that you never pictured your future husband to look that way, and it's just hard for you to adjust that image?

Is it possible that it's not you who has an issue with it, but it'll be a "thing" in the family, or between your friends if you go for someone like that?

Are you concerned that there may be other aspects of his lifestyle that may be "frummer" than yours?

I hope you get the right guidance and make the right decision. Don't forget to daven to Hashem about this-He wants you to be happy-just ask for clarity!

iThink

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:30 PM

Quote from 2funny on April 24, 2013, 10:12 PM
From what i know is that he is someone that can help me achieve my goals and he is a great guy. But YES. His peyos do bother me (somewhat).

This post makes it sound like there is plenty you like about the guy and plenty more you have in common. Maybe, then, it would be a good idea to try to get past the peyos issue. Also, so many chassidish guys wear "up" (behind the ears so it's not visible) - maybe he would do that for you if he likes you and this bothers you?

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 24, 2013, 10:48 PM

Quote from LuvAhuva on April 24, 2013, 10:19 PM
Why would someone set you up with a guy who has long peyos if you are not chassidish???? Did you know about his peyos before and you agreed to go out with him anyways? i mean thats soemthing obvious like a beard, that people would tell you before you go out, no?

My Rabbi serves as my shaddchan and he asked me if i would go for someone with a beard. I said yes, but i didnt know it included the long peyos 😐
After some time my Rabbi set me up with this guy. He knows both our families and he really thinks there is potential.

2funny

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 26, 2013, 12:53 AM

iThink, thank you so much!
You understood my point perfectly. Thank you for making me feel soooo much better.
I will take your suggestions and try to answer the questions you brought up to myself.

iThink

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Post Re: Do looks really matter?
on: April 26, 2013, 9:33 AM

🙂 Anytime, glad I could help. Good luck!

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