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Author Topic: Breaking it off
happygolck-
y

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Breaking it off
on: November 21, 2013, 9:20 PM

I'm going out with this guy, but don't see it going any further. it will be 5 dates, and it's long distance, but not super long. Just wanted advice on whether to break it off after the date, or wait until later and tell him over the phone.

Gayil

Dating Maven

Posts: 63
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 21, 2013, 10:07 PM

I would definitely let it be a regular date (have fun...)and break it up over the phone. is there a shadchan or 3rd party involved?
He doesn't have to know that u knew it wasnt going anywhere or that u werent into him. sometimes u go on a date, come back, and think and then decide its not for u

dschecht13

Dating Maven

Posts: 54
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 22, 2013, 3:28 AM

If its long distance then you should break it off before another date if you have already decided and do it over the phone. its not fair to make him travel.

happygolck-
y

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 23, 2013, 9:12 PM

Thanks for the advice! I'm actually traveling to him, plans were already made. but it will kinda be awkward if either of us has had a good time. There is a shadchan, but they're out of the country so it's hard to communicate.

Gayil

Dating Maven

Posts: 63
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 23, 2013, 9:25 PM

It seems u have a reason ur saying no. what made u go out w him again? Or was it after u said yes u found s/t out or u decided it wasn't going anywhere????

happygolck-
y

Dater

Posts: 3
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 23, 2013, 11:04 PM

I was unsure throughout, but was under the impression I should break it off face-to-face, so i agreed to the date. I just wanted a second opinion on what was the most sensitive, respectful way to end it.

Gayil

Dating Maven

Posts: 63
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 23, 2013, 11:30 PM

If ur looking for a sensitive & respectful way to to end it that wud b on the date...i was saying over the phone b/c thats how its usually done &its less awkward &u dont have to explain urself...but only u know how far ur into it so depends how deep ur r/s is &if u WANT to explain urself! HATZLACHA..u cud pm me if u want

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 28, 2013, 11:26 PM

i just had the same sitch where i went oot to date. once i came back the shadchan told me he's ready to come to my home town...but i told shadchan i'm not rlly interested- i don't think it's going anywhere, i have some hesitations, and i don't wanna make him pay $300 to come in so i can say no- that's not rlly fair. the shadchan totally understood me and was fine with it. i feel rlly bad for the boy tho- he's rlly sweet, and i totally did have a nice time, but there were things i was concerned about. i told my mother tho, in retrospect, i'm soooo happy i dated him, because b/t him and all the other i've dated, i finally figured out what i'm rlly looking for in a husband...it only took 3 and a half yrs and eight boys 🙂

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: Breaking it off
on: November 29, 2013, 3:40 PM

It really depends on so many factors, but you need to take his time, expenses, and emotional investment into account. You're really not doing him any favors if you're dragging it out just to say no. As soon as you know that it's not going to work, you should be honest about it. Obviously, there are various degrees of sensitivity that come into play here. If you guys have been going out for awhile and there is commensurate investment and such, you definitely have to be the one to break it to him. (If not, it may be less uncomfortable for him if you end things through a third party.) Some sort of explanation is also warranted. (Best case scenario is when you guys are upfront with each other throughout and both sides got honest feedback the whole time.) I can't think of such a situation where it'd be okay to end things through a shadchan or other third party (where there was more than a superficial relationship). You were in a relationship, and there's a way to end it properly; take responsibility. Things get sticky when the dating is long distance, because then you have to figure out whether it's okay to end things via phone rather than in person. Be practical and be a mentsch. Don't make him travel just to break up with him, and you don't either have to travel to him to do it either. I think the most important thing to keep in mind when breaking up with someone is that you had something together (even if you knew from the beginning it wasn't going to work...something kept you in it!), don't cheapen that because you don't know how to end it properly. If you don't know what to say or what to do, get advice!

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