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Author Topic: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
yitti

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Post THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: April 15, 2013, 3:42 PM

So this is my Dilema that I have been having. I don't have a problem and I am a perfectly normal girl. (yes, you can call me a woman..but if I am one then you are one too). In the secular world you are not considered old if your not married at my age. It is rather the norm to finish college and settle down with a job first before getting married. It really bothers me that in the frum world your considered to have a problem if your not married by a certain age. The specific age can be based on your city, friends, or family. I personally didn't even begin dating until I was 23. I came home from seminary and went to school. I wanted to wait until I was through with school. Many people tell me that by waiting I missed the boat But why is that so? I think it should be normal for a girl to begin dating only once she has her schooling and job underway. Honestly, if she doesn't complete school now then when will she? Definitely not once she starts having kids. I have no regrets. I feel that I did things right but how come the norm is based on girls getting married right after sem at a very young age? My question is how and why did that become the norm? Please, please write back..I really want to hear what the young girls entering shidduchim have to say..thank you!

atararox

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: April 16, 2013, 7:28 PM

ok so i hear what your saying but its not so much "the norm". It's more that "this is just the way it been for thousands of years". Girls would finish high school and they look for a shidduch. Just remember - college degrees are only a relatively recent thing. Not that many years ago girls didnt go to University, they got married young and had kids and raised a family, Their career was essentially being a loving nurturing mother, who baked cookies and sewed dresses and took the kids to feed the birds in the springtime. im not saying girls should be labeled as old the second they reach their 22nd bday or whatever, but this is the way of the jewish nation since Rivka Imeinu got married at 3 😛 hows that for young?
But on a more serious note, there is a concept for a boy of "ben shemoneh esrei l'chupah" and "lo tov lehiyos adam levado"...Boys need to get married as young as its accepted. They have other nisyonos that marriage can help alieviate. Some chassidish circles the boys get married as young as 18. Now we dont go by that exactly but there obviously is some torah perspective to getting married young. Now practically speaking, if boys should be getting married at 18 then how old can the girls be already??? then there would be a shidduch crisis the other way around! 😛 😛 hope this help! hatzlacha! and p.s. dont listen to what other people say. you do what works for you!

in the gap

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: April 22, 2013, 2:02 PM

I can't really relate with what you said, since i feel the exact opposite. There is much less of a feeling of growing spiritually, and have the closeness to Torah once one graduates from seminary. While it is not good to just sit around and one should go to university and get a job to utilise those years, i personally can't wait to get married and have been yearning for it since I was five. Finally. I agree completely with atararox regarding the boys reasons for starting younger.

rosepetal5

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: June 4, 2013, 9:01 AM

Yitti, I agree with you 100%. It's nice that someone finally feels the same.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: February 10, 2014, 1:39 PM

May I suggest that if you want to hear perspectives from younger girls, that you put this thread in the "under 25" forum so younger girls will see it?

readytorol-
l19

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: February 10, 2014, 11:59 PM

I am a "younger" girl, and here to give you my opinion: I have not started dating yet for the same reason that ytti didn't start dating right after seminary. Personally, I don't think I would even get along with a boy who would want to go out with a 19 year old. Also, I don't want to be soley dependent on my parents as a source of income, because I view marriage as independence, which has its perks, but it also comes with the downside of being responsible to putting food on the table, and paying the bills. I don't know how long I can wait before I start to date because of societal pressures( I try not to give in easily to peer pressure) and because I truly want to get married. I just realize that marriage is not all fun and games with getting new furniture, and having a surprise shower, but a huge responsibility with a lifetime of rewards. Remember that you should not start dating until you are able to visualize yourself a year from now married with a new born!

sem613

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: February 11, 2014, 7:47 AM

Here is another "younger" girl. I started shidduchim as soon as the end of college was in sight, for many reasons.
there were reasons for waiting until that point: ex: my mother tried to convince me that I shouldnt get married so early that I will have kids while still in college
but for the most part, I realized that mentally/psychologically, whatever u want to call it, I am ready to be running my own house and be independant/start building the next generation iyH.
and a good number of the girls who do get married straight out of seminary, the name of the game is parental support.
I also know a good number of girls who got married pretty early in college and are surviving by having 1 set of parents pay for the apartment and one pay for the food.

Everything-
bashert

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Post Re: THE TREND IS WRONG AND ITS NOT FAIR/I WANT TO HEAR FROM THE YOUNG GIRLS IN SHIDDUCHIM
on: February 12, 2014, 5:29 AM

Hi,
Im on of the chasidishe,
i'm 23 and all my friends are all married with 2-3 kids
So in my community i'm one of the "old single girls" ,
bec' everyone gets engaged by 17-18 .
But bec' i'm single i have more time for chesed .
Not bec it became a trend;-) in the frum world , everyone needs to go with the stream;-)
But,
there is one answer why you and me and other girls are yet single bec' its " bashert " for us to become engage when its bashert (when older)
And the friends who became engaged when they were younger, it was bashert for them by this age...
And those who don't go to college/school, look there is yet enough singles.
And for those who go to college/school there is enough marrieds ones with a few kids 🙂
Its just everyone has their nisoyon in life
Its looks a very hard nisoyon but I personally dont want to change with other nisyonos ch"v.
We know hashem has somene for us ready in the right time,
all the people who are telling that you/we missed the boat there is not such a thing.
How many times did we hear stories about couples that the shidduch shlepped for a year or they met and it became nothing and 5 years later they are engaged.
It was not yet the right zivug
And not your right time
So ij"h by everyone bekurev!!

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