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Author Topic: References
keepsmilin-
g123

Dater

Posts: 22
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Post References
on: April 18, 2013, 8:46 PM

Just wanted to hear everyone's perspective on the matter...
Do you ask your references to let you know when they get a call about you?

bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
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Post Re: References
on: April 18, 2013, 9:14 PM

yup
but not everyone agrees to let you know. They don't want you to get your hopes up if nothing comes of the shidduch. I want to be told because at least I know somethings doing.
I love hearing that they were called but i don't usually (99% of the time ) ask what they asked etc bec of shmiras halashon and if the person asked something you may find "offensive" that may prevent you from going on with the shidduch. So it's not a good idea to ask what the conversation was like or who called.
I once told a frnd that i was called about her and the person asked an interesting question and the whole time kept referring back to it but the girl didn't have that quality. in the end the lady agreed that it wasn't an important skill for marriage...guess what? My friend married the boy and he's really bli' ayin hara a great shidduch for her.

patcha

Dating Coach

Posts: 445
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Post Re: References
on: April 19, 2013, 1:30 PM

Yes. My references have saved me many times by telling me that a boy lacks social skills etc.

Esti

Dating Maven

Posts: 59
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Post Re: References
on: April 19, 2013, 6:23 PM

I think it's a terrible thingwhen references share the questions that they were asked. Shidduchim can be messed up so easily! The tiniest thing can be the straw that broke the camel's back please everyone just CLOSE your mouth! (Sorry for the strong language I just had a bad experience with this.)

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: References
on: April 20, 2013, 11:28 PM

Quote from Esti on April 19, 2013, 6:23 PM
I think it's a terrible thing when references share the questions that they were asked. Shidduchim can be messed up so easily! The tiniest thing can be the straw that broke the camel's back please everyone just CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!

?
I fail to see how it could be wrong to share the questions if the person asks you to. If the tiniest thing breaks the camel's back, it is the camel's (boy or girl)'s fault. They are the ones who should be using discretion and not be fools.

And frankly, if a boy would drop me for a stupid reason, I don't want to marry him anyway. Because he'll also want a divorce for a stupid reason. Making important life decisions for stupid reasons is about as big a flaw as I can think of.

But, see, it is a bit funny. Because the type of person this will happen to is the people who ask stupid questions, which means they themselves are making important decisions for stupid reasons. And then the boy--who is just like them--will drop them for it. When really you figure these people should be marrying each other.

Esti

Dating Maven

Posts: 59
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Post Re: References
on: April 20, 2013, 11:38 PM

Fiegy how else are they supposed to find out information without asking people? I don't think people realize when they ask a question to one of the references that it will get repeated to the girl, and I think it's very dishonest. Let's say your family is kinda new yorkish... and for whatever reason this concerns them and they ask very pointed detailed questions... you may be insulted when you hear those questions... and you might might come to the conclusion that they are to out of townish..... all which may not be at all true. I could go on and on but I'll stop here.

bibliophil-
e02

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: References
on: February 10, 2014, 1:10 PM

Quote from bitachon on April 18, 2013, 9:14 PM
yup
but not everyone agrees to let you know. They don't want you to get your hopes up if nothing comes of the shidduch.

That sounds pretty paternalistic to me...Shouldn't it be up to you to decide whether or not you can handle a disappointment? If a reference said that to me I would take that person off my reference list.

justdoit

Dater

Posts: 23
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Post Re: References
on: November 8, 2015, 6:09 PM

Just to revive this thread from a different angle, I come from a more litvish-ishe backgronud and am looking for a chassidishe shidduch (not going to say too much so people reading this do not figure out who I am). My parents are not equipped to handle my shidduchim, so I have someone in the chassidishe community who knows me well enough to vet for me. They say the shidduch resume needs 10-15 references. I am having trouble coming up with an appropriate number of references. I am at nine- but some of the people who said yes in that number may need an update and other people above this number were deleted off the list because they afterwards started exhibiting red flags indicating not being able to be a reference. So at this point, I have more like 6 or seven. What type of qualities do you look for in references beyond someone who "you see or interact with frequently". Have you ever needed to provide someone with an update/ major update to then ask them to be a reference?

in the gap

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Post Re: References
on: November 8, 2015, 11:14 PM

I can definitely relate as while I am not Chassidish I was once redt to a Chassidishe boy and I got the pleasure of going through their system, giving over 15 references as well as having a beshow...

I don't see any problem with updating your references of your current matzav in life, as no one is happy when that is not done. (I had one friend that I gave that wasn't updated and she told the mother that she was guessing what she would assume that I am doing with my life. The mother was upset that she obviously didn't know me that well so she asked for yet another reference, and I had to then think of who I had not yet asked...) Also, when it came to choosing references I chose people who I felt would understand what I am looking for best. I am not typical for my area, so I had to choose people who I felt value what I want to be and know the proper lingo.

Hatlocho!

justdoit

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Post Re: References
on: November 12, 2015, 2:59 PM

I definitely hear that. The other thing though also is that because the chassidishe shidduch system does rely on reference checking so much, I have two friends on my list and i told them that i do not expect them to say more than something like "we hang out at these places, we do stuff on shabbos, and I know her from ____________. I enjoy these things most about her." Many of my friends are not yet in shidduchim so I am not sure if they would even know how to respond to these things. I put their mothers on my reference list. I am also hashkafically atypical for my area as well. There are a few other chassidishe families here but many people have never spoken to a chossid before.

justdoit

Dater

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Post Re: References
on: November 15, 2015, 12:43 AM

Mind if I ask how long your shidduch resume was? Like how many pages. Is 5-7 normal?

in the gap

Dating Maven

Posts: 164
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Post Re: References
on: November 21, 2015, 6:43 PM

I think that is a bit much. Unless if you are the youngest of 15-18, and you want to list all your mechutanim, try to fit it onto one or two pages at most. I personally don't think that it makes sense to write what I am looking for or a description of myself since I find that they can be totally misinterpreted. Therefore, your resume should have your parent' names, occupations, Shul, (if you really want, the Yeshiva your father went to), your siblings names, where they live/what school they are in depending on their stage of life, and your references. 5-7 pages will most likely have people losing interest in the middle and you don't have to give every person you ever met, the other side can ask for that separately.
(This is just my personal opinion, as lonesome who has seen many resumes over the years.)

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