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Author Topic: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??
Shaindy

Dating Maven

Posts: 67
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Post My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

I am writing this letter because I value the opinion of others going through the same thing as me. I just turned 24 and my mother still takes all of my shidduch calls. It used to be because I was, excuse the saying but young and dumb. I now feel that after much experience I have a better idea of what type of boy I am looking for. Not that my mother doesn't know and not that she has not been doing a great job until this point. I just feel that I should be the one listening when they explain the boys personality or how the boy plans of living his life. Anyway, I feel that my mother will be hurt and take it the wrong way..after all she did for me and always does for me. How do I explain to her the way that I feel without hurting her? Or should I just go on and iyH when it comes time for the right one nothing will get in the way. Were any of you in this situation ever..and if so what did you??? Write me back soon please..cuz time is moving quickly:)

Miriam

Dating Maven

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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

Hm, not up to that point yet but hugs to you!

2funny

Dating Maven

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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

I would still leave it to my mother if I were still living with her. If I were in a different state (ie. for a job or studying) maybe I"ll take the call myself. This is the mothers "job" to help you find your shidduch and all mothers love doing it. All they want to do is help you. When your not at home, then I would think its ok to take the calls because the mother has no way of knowing who is being referred to you and maybe she wont take it personally.

tryingsoha-
rd

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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from.
My parents took care of all of my shidduchim for a long time. At some point I started feeling like you are right now and it really got to me. So I started trying to be more involved by telling my parents that I would like more of a say, and then that I would like to speak to references myself sometimes or that I would like them to give me the info that they managed to get (by checking it out etc) and then go and do my own research on my own and would think about it and let them know what I want to do (ie go out or not).
It was a process but now I do shidduchim totally on my own and tell them whatever I want them to know. (that is how I like it, but everyone is different- it also makes a difference if you are living at home or not).

One way to understand your need for this (and this might make it easier for you to explain it to your mother) is that as you get older, part of developing into an adult is becoming independent. This is a normal and healthy process (google 'seperation/individuation' - for those of you that did developmental psych in college). This means that you want to control more of your life and have a say in things that pertain to you. As you get older (I hope you are married quickly, but in case you are not...) you will also want a certain level of privacy in your dating life, along with your independence. Figuring out how to set those boundaries is an important part of becoming an adult independent of your parents.
It's a process that won't happen overnight, but for starters I'd start with acknowledging your mothers care and concern, time and input and just casually mention that you'd like to think things over for yourself/make some of your own phone calls just 'to make sure you are 100% comfortable' with the decisions that are being made. You could also tell your mother that you really appreciate her effort/concern/etc, but as you are the one who will have to live with the guy you marry, you really want to be sure about things and do some of it yourself.

Good luck!

Bayla

Dating Maven

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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

Well said! Sometimes a person is a different type than their mother and they can see things differently. Sometimes my mother will say "does he have good Midos"? Now seriously, who would say no? I would say something like tell me which Midos you feel he excels in. Get the difference? Also I love hearing the info and the way that it is said from the person himself. It makes me feel much better about meeting the guy! Usually we will do it together, like my mother will call when I am home and I will tell her what I want her to ask..and I make sure to be part of the checking out to?

Shira

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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??

I wants called a boy as a reference thinking he was married. So I said I don't want to sound like a Ball Toiva or anything but is he good looking? So the boy answered yeah I know the same thing happens to be I go on a date bec. I heard she was good looking, and then the second I see her I wish I said no. I was so embarrassed I was wishing the floor would swallow me up 😐 .

heyhey

Dating Maven

Posts: 191
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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??
on: February 17, 2013, 2:16 AM

omg! shira that is FUNNY! soooo maybe that guy is for you. def. has a sense of humor...

bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??
on: February 17, 2013, 3:39 PM

then again parents have experience and pick up things or ask things you wouldnt

heyhey

Dating Maven

Posts: 191
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Post Re: My mother is still involved in my shidduchim..what do I do??
on: February 17, 2013, 4:54 PM

are you and your mother on the same page hashkafically? this answer has a lot to do with the answer!

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