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Author Topic: Unsolicited Advice
bitachon

Dating Maven

Posts: 156
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Post Unsolicited Advice
on: April 18, 2013, 9:06 PM

I wanted to vent and I guess hear of your experience of "well meaning people" who have no clue what it's like to be single and in the parsha for a number of years
within a week I was told twice by two women who really care about me " I'm telling you yeshuos Hashem k'heref ayin"
...one then told me...don't worry the yeshua will come and you'll get a really good person some one you deserve and on etc etc
the next told me the married people aren't any better than the single.. and it's an opportunity to become close to Hashem..utilize it so you could one day look back ...etc etc
Now of course i know these ideas and they are true.
I've been in the parsha for a number of years I'm not in my early 20s ...I've "blinked plenty of times" and I've def had my ups and downs. Of course I've been to speeches and gained a lot of chizuk from various places
So whats my issue?
Who ga've these women who married off their children within 2 yrs and less in the parsha, to tell me "yeshuos Hashem kheref h'ayin" or who I'm going to marry or what my purpose is...
I DO gain chizuk from someone going through it or someone who went through a nisayon. If they want to give me advice then perhaps give it with the caveat of something they went through and how they went through the nisayon.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your experiences!!

dancer90

Dating Pro

Posts: 208
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Post Re: Unsolicited Advice
on: April 18, 2013, 9:48 PM

haha i tot know what you mean! i get nervous even when close people tell it to me...i always say it may happen in the blink of an eye but all the years you spend in agony is a lot longer than a blink of an eye! If youre reading the ongoing story, when i wrote estys letter to Dina, i included this idea where she tells her that soon a really lucky guy is ganna find her and etc etc and it only makes Dina feel worse.... and i find it the same way. even my married sisters who only mean well. they were married with a baby at my age - how can they tell me not to worry and that i just have to be patient and that right after im married i wont even remember my single days....they werent the ones who had to go to EVERY SINGLE ONE of their high school friends weddings as a single girl, and deal with all the pitying stares and iyh by yous, and then be left with no friends in their hometown. and i AM only in my early 20's!
people try to be helpful and they think their making you feel better. i guess they say it for lack of anything better.

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: Unsolicited Advice
on: April 19, 2013, 9:33 AM

agree with dancer90- they wanna try to make you feel better, and they want to try to say it in a nice way. and truthfully, what they are saying is nice in and of itself. it's just that coming from who it's coming from, it may be considered not so nice, rather thoughtless, cuz if a friend going through the same thing as you says "IY"H by both of us" or "IY"H by you" (not when she herself is engaged, but lets say when a mutual friend gets engaged) or "don't worry, we'll both find the right one IY"H very soon" you would probably take it much better, because you know where it's coming from- she's in the same place as you. it's just that it's much harder to take it from someone who is already past that stage, and went through it smoothly. cuz they seriously don't know how hard it is for you. make any sense?

market

Dater

Posts: 22
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Post Re: Unsolicited Advice
on: April 23, 2013, 12:38 PM

They're just trying to come up with something to say to make you feel better!

in the gap

Dating Maven

Posts: 164
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Post Re: Unsolicited Advice
on: April 23, 2013, 5:03 PM

I think they themselves feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. It is a way for them to feel as if they are comforting you when really they are making it worse. I feel for you, but some people actually like it, so I guess they just don't understand that everybody is different.

daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: Unsolicited Advice
on: August 5, 2013, 9:36 AM

Bitachon- I really really agree with you on this subject, I personally find it offensive because for me it's like this... I spend enough time thinking about shidduchim and when is it going to happen. And I personally don't need to be reminded "I"yH by you, etc etc," because in my mind that's like saying, aww you're still single, but don't worry he'll come eventually and then you can be happy again! But, like I said that's how it's like for me. And in the gap is right- some people view it differently. But I think a lot of people are aware of how hurtful it can be to people ( at least I would assume so but maybe not) , therefore, I think people should avoid it. Unless like everyone has said, it's your friend and she's going through the same thing as you. I just think people really need to be careful because it is a very delicate subject and people can get seriously hurt by it. And like you said, bitachon- it's especially unappreciative when it's people who have no clue what it's even like, therefore, please don't act like you have all the answers. But some people like to think they do, or some people are just genuinely trying to help. But, it's how you say it that matters than what you say. It's just an extremely fragile subject that people should just watch what they say!

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