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Author Topic: Superiority among marrieds
CS

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Post Superiority among marrieds
on: May 31, 2015, 1:35 AM

Haven't been on here in a while but remembered about this site recently and decided it'd be a good place to vent - as I know the people around me would know who I'm talking about even if I didn't say names.
So I have this friend who's a few years older than me but just got married about a half a year ago. I've known her since elementary school and while she's always been ahead of me, I was more mature for my age and there was a some of the 'big sister' aspect to the relationship as well. She lived near me, which was a big deal because not many of my friends do, and we spent a nice amount of time together on a pretty regular basis. When I first started shidduchim I felt like I was catching up with her in a way, because now we were in the same stage of life pretty much - though obviously she was still ahead of me. I enjoyed talking about it with her and it was a really big deal for me when she got engaged - I was and am super happy and excited - like beyond, for real - both because it had taken her a while to find the right one and because I feel close to her so am so happy she's so happy type. And she really is so super happy and it's really amazing to see!! I had a lot of fun hearing about the wedding plans, helping out some, shopping for a dress, planning shtick, etc. The wedding was amazing and her husband is a great guy! I knew it meant that our relationship would change and I was a little sad about that, but she would be staying in our city for the time being and it was totally worth it to see her so happy. For the first few months I was actually really impressed with how she was different than some of my other married friends - still thinking about her friends and trying to keep in touch (probably because she remembered how things were)... things pretty much stayed the same in that sense just that obviously she was married, I saw her and talked to her less, and obviously there were changes but yea. However, recently, I've been getting the feeling of not just that things are different but that she feels like totally above me stage wise and feeling that I don't know or understand a lot of things, which obviously hasn't made me feel very good. I feel like she's holding me at arms length, feels like we don't have much in common, and I guess what bugs me most is that she seems like she feels that because I'm not married I'm less than her in a way, that I don't understand things yet or whatever. Now, to be dan likaf zechus, I'm sure she was always aware of our age difference and is used to being a stage ahead of me and so wants to/is used to putting some distance, and who knows it's possible she's found out she's pregnant and now feels another stage ahead. And while I do know a whole lot about marriage and all it entails (more than some others may) I obviously have not actually gone through it yet so I would say there are things I probably do not fully understand yet. And even if I have the knowledge I definitely don't have the first hand experience or can really relate to certain aspects. And I fully acknowledge that and don't hold it against my married friends for feeling that they can't relate to me on some things ( for a simple example: I'm not making supper every night and so while I can hear them out, tell them what I've read or heard or what other friends of mine have told me or what my mother does etc. I still am not doing it every day so it's different) - I really understand that - but I'm not liking this 'I'm superior feeling' I'm getting from her, the feeling that she thinks I'm less because I'm not married. It's almost like she's forgotten what it's like to be single and in some ways I expect more out of her because she was single for a lot longer than most of my other friends.
Specifically, the situation that brought this to head for me and also irked me more was one in which I thought I had a shidduch for someone she's close to. Now the girl I had in mind is a really good friend of mine and while she's had a few extra pounds to lose she's been very regimented about eating right and exercising and she's really at a very normal weight now. But my married friend automatically was like I don't think she's for him because of her weight - I saw her recently - and like now that I'm married I really see how it makes a difference how men think and like men are only interested in girls that are thin (I'm not sure she said it just like that but this is how I remember it). Now, she did say she may seem shallow, but I found this very hypocritical of her - she was not always a size 0 and her own weight has fluctuated over time and while my other friend has rounder build, her skirt size is probably the same as my married friend's is/was at some point - and she was always so critical of the people that thought less of her because of it! and we're not talking real big sizes here like maybe 10,12 tops 14 (without looking too chubby either just wider wtvr). I also did not like the idea that men only are attracted to girls that are super thin because it's not true - and I told her that (it's also something we used to talk about in a critical way). She's like yea, but I know him and he's looking for a thin girl.
My problem is not that she said no to my friend straight off the bat because of her weight [specifically for this guy]. If she knows this is what this guys looking for then that's valid. And many men do want thinner girls. So while I didn't like the insinuation that my friend is not thin - because I don't know what this friend was wearing when my married friend saw but she really is pretty thin now - I really was irked by what I see as hypocritical behavior on my married friend's part and the insinuation that I don't know men because I'm not married (but she's the expert because she is).
And while I haven't and am not going to make a big deal out of it because I'm not sure my friend meant to be this way (and while I just wrote this whole thing out I'm not like massively insulted or hurt here - just pretty irked), I thought this was a good forum on which to vent about in general, people who think less of single people because they aren't married/think more of themselves because they are, and forget about the things that we still have in common. Thanks!!

in the gap

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Superiority among marrieds
on: May 31, 2015, 8:04 AM

I know exactly how you feel!! I have a few friends who are like that, and two of them are even a few years younger! While I am not sure what exactly causes, I find that some girls think that once they are married they are all of a sudden much wiser and more knowledgeable than their single friends. It isn't necessarily true as every person is different and just because their experience is one way, that doesn't mean that others are identical to them. It is the same with any challenging life event (yes getting married is very challenging for most people even if it is a huge Bracha.)
I find that in the past two different approaches have worked for me, if you want to try them. First of all, if you are really close to this girl and feel comfortable, the best is to be honest with her and tell her exactly how you feel. It can be very refreshing to just get it out in the open, as if she is older than you and was single herself for a while, she is probably mature enough and gets how it is enough, to realise how frustrating she is being now. She probably is just not thinking and is very overwhelmed herself, and she is doing it without really thinking. Another option is to pretend to be really interested in what she says and act as if she is really teaching something that is a gem. Even though you might not feel that way she will feel really good about herself, and it a great way to practise self control. The kuntz is,though, that then you can't let it bother you and you have to just view the whole thing in a light, almost comical manner.
Hatzlocho!!

girlwithad-
ream

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Post Re: Superiority among marrieds
on: September 7, 2015, 2:14 PM

I went to a college where many of the frum girls my year- both left and right wing got married over the years we were there. there was a very superior feeling among them and it was really hard to be single, you felt like you were doing something wrong or were worse because of it. Its hard but you just need to keep in mind that Hashem is running the show and your life has an intended trajectory that is out of your control but Hashem rewards us for pain we have to endure.
On that note- i do want to give a shoutout for all the amazing married friends I have- they are so ready to talk and hang out and try to make time for their friends which is so amazing!! Also, they are always thinking about shidduchim for their friends and make an effort to set people up!

in the gap

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Post Re: Superiority among marrieds
on: September 7, 2015, 4:27 PM

I find that very interesting, as where I work I am the only single girl. When I originally started in my job I had co-workers who would pretend I didn't exist, but I realized that if I wanted that to change it could. After a few weeks of just placing myself in to the middle of their conversations and showing them that I don't view them as any better for being married, (and that being single is not contagious 🙂 🙂 ) it has now come to the point where they view me as there equal and one of the group.
I also recently discovered that the same goes for all my married friends, if you are willing to discuss their lives with them and occasionally stand up to them and let them know that they the way they did things (be it dating or marriage itself) is not the only way, most of my friendships have stayed on the same par as they were before.

girlwithad-
ream

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Post Re: Superiority among marrieds
on: October 25, 2015, 1:52 AM

totally agree! I once was asking a girl I'm friendly with how her husbands doing and i used his name and a girl younger than me overheard and was like u use your friends husbands names and i was like of course! Like people are so worried about giving married people their space but also realize because they have so much more going on in their lives they need their friends to make more of an effort. instead of being annoyed i accepted the reality that my married friends have less time and so when they call or are available to hang out, I make the effort to change my schedule around. Yeah married people can feel superior but with real friends I think its how people view things, but the reality of it is that married friends appreciate when you make an effort to be interested in their life and tell your opinion on things- even if you are single!

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