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Author Topic: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
chaykie

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Post so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 13, 2014, 8:47 PM

a while back i started a thread about a friend of mine who just suddenly decided i was "needy and burdensome" and just ended the relationship and was very nasty abt it. well that was 1 and a half yrs ago. for that 1 1/2 yrs until now, she has emotionally abused me to the point that i needed the advice and help of a psychologist. this past year and a half has been one where i've been slapped in the face by her when i see her every day. its been so painful. i thought it was the worst thing ever.
but now, guess what? she's engaged. I don't even feel she deserves to move on happily, and that's so not me. i don't get jealous when friends get married. it may sting a little at first, but i move on. but now?? i'm not even jealous as much as so totally hurt and confused. someone who caused someone so much emotional damage and just didn't care, can suddenly go on happily?? am i supposed to pretend this is ok?? now i'm a real mess. speaking to the psychologist again soon...but this is so so so so painful, and i almost feel like, where is the justice in all this? i feel terrible for speaking like this, i know Hashem is in control, but sometimes, when ur reeling in excruciating pain, it's impossible to see it.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 2:38 AM

wow, believe it or not, i can really relate to your experience... i haven't read your other thread, but i can see that our experiences are not completely the same; the person that hurt me lives quite a while away from me and i only bump into her a few times a year, and she does not continue to hurt me the way your "friend" hurts you, but rather smiles at me as if nothing ever happened and that kinda stings too... (longest run-on sentence i ever wrote!!) also, she's not engaged. but i can relate on the level that it's been over a year and half, and her name STILL fills my journals, and her name STILL comes up in therapy... another difference is that I don't view her actions as outright nasty... what happened was that she was needy as ever. leaned on me like crazy, i gave her all i got, answered all her questions, was her listening ear and shoulder to lean on and everything that a good friend should be and do... and the second i needed some support from her, she ran away... she totally ignored me, and when i tried to figure out what happened (cuz i didn't understand her sudden absence at first) she told me to stop harassing her... At first i thought she was incredibly nasty... but soon i realized that she isn't nasty... she has her own emotional needs and she couldn't handle mine and her's at the same time... and even if what she DID was nasty, if her actions were incredibly painful, and her behavior toward me till this day causes me excruciating pain, I am not one to judge her character... i don't have that right to pass judgement on the type of person that she is... there is a hint of something that is emotionally unhealthy about her, and that's ok. i also have my own things to work through... everybody has their own "stuff" they have to work through, and it plays out differently in their lives and affects different people... i was unfortunately effected by her unhealthiness on a very intense level, and i am still dealing with it today... and even though i am still struggling to come to terms with what happened, i know that deep down, i really forgive her... because no healthy person would hurt another like that... she's struggling with something, just as i am now... at the same time that i feel hurt, i feel badly for her... cuz just like the rest of the world. she has "issues". I was hurt; but Hashem wanted me to feel hurt because He wanted me to grow (and i learned and grew a ton from the experience, and i still am to this day BH) I learned to accept that her issues, and my getting hurt, have nothing to do with each other. at the time, they had everything to do with each other, because she hurt me!! but it's the past. I am still hurt, and she still has issues, and we have to deal with our own pekalach on our own. That's something that you might want to think about.. and then as a side point just realize that her getting engaged has nothing to do with the fact that u were hurt...
like i said, the girl that hurt me is not yet engaged. but believe it or not, there is actually another girl that i had an uncomfortable experience with who totally confused me when she got engaged... this girl hurt me in some ways, but not like the other girl had... her behavior was not directed at me, and it was more frustrating than painful. In this case, her unhealthy emotional state was glaringly obvious to me! what was even more frustrating, was that to everyone else in our environment, she was a TOP girl! she was smart, tznius, davened with so much kavana, could whip up an astounding dvar torah in seconds, went to a TOP high school, got the highest grades, was G.O. president in 12th grade, went to a TOP seminary, was offered many jobs when she returned... everyone just looked up to her like she was absolutely amazing, and I had gotten a glimpse of her behaving in certain ways that was SO SO SO contradictory to the image that she presented to the world. i was ENRAGED each time someone praised her! they just didn't know who she REALLY WAS!!! so when she got engaged to a "TOP" boy, i was like "what in the world???" I couldn't understand how it could possibly be!!! the world might not have known what she dealt with, but hashem surely knew!! how could He possibly allow her to get engaged after acting the way that she did?!? she was a FAKER!
as i type the story now, i can laugh at myself.. at the way that i thought back then... it was pretty silly to think that i could make such statements about another person... the thing is that the way that she acted was real. but all the other things about her were real too. the nisyonos that she dealt with did not mean that her tefilos were fake. The mitzvos that she found challenging did not take away from the fact that she was a tzenua. Her chesronos did not take away from her kochos. people are not perfect. people make mistakes. people struggle. and Hashem has a cheshbon for everything. we do not have even the slightest idea about what people are about, and even if we think we know them, it's not our place to decide what other people are "deserving" of. who do we think we are??? G-d??? we think we run the world? we dont! so the fact that she may have hurt you, and whether you feel that she is nasty or not, has nothing to do with whether she "deserves" to go on happily! you were deeply hurt by her, but that doesn't take away from her zechusim... the wonderful parts about her that you know nothing about...

just another point i was thinking about, i wonder... if you were already married or engaged at the time that she got engaged, would her engagement bother you as much? she made a mistake; you perceive her as nasty; is she any less "deserving" than you to build a home? I hope you realize that the happiness that she is feeling right now, does not have anything to do with the happiness that will be coming your way iyh! like i said, Hashem has His cheshbon, and b'ezras Hashem, when the time is right, you too will merit to meet your bashert and be zoche to build a bayis neeman b'yisroel! May hakadosh baruch hu help you find the place in your heart to forgive her, and move on in your life without this pain weighing you down! hatzlacha rabba with everything!

in the gap

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 9:47 AM

Thank you Waiting Game! I have struggled with this over the years with many people, and it takes a lot of effort to look past the fact that the girl who is downright nasty is treated as a top girl in so many different ways. Reading what you wrote, I really felt that I could relate.
There is just one more thing I wanted to add. I also had a very frustrating (to put it mildly) experience with a TOP girl who was given all the top jobs and honours in primary school while quietly destroying many girls in the grade. However many years later she approached me before Rosh Hashana to ask for forgiveness and she really meant it. Most of the time the girls who do act this way are aware of what they are doing and will eventually mature and be able to move past it, (whether or not they can be open enough to say they are sorry is just a question of how comfortable they are with themselves.) The fact that this girl no longer treats you this way is a sign enough that she fells bad about what she did. Take it as an apology.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 11:28 AM

in the gap, the girl in the first story verbally asked for mechila before rosh hashana and i forgave her... but i had really felt that she did it more as a formality and to relieve her own conscious for what she had done, and that is all perfectly normal and fine and whatever... but sometimes saying i'm sorry just simply isn't enough... the rejection that i faced is still something that i find difficult to deal with... she's not outright "nasty" when i see her, but the awkwardness between us, and the fact that the friendship is over is still painful, regardless of the effort she puts into smiling at me. so yes, she feels bad about what she did, and she apologized, and of course that does make things feel a WHOLE lot better, but bottom line is, what she did still hurts. and so like i said in my previous post, at this point, my feeling hurt, and her "issues" have nothing to do with each other. my pain is something that i need to process on my own, she is a thing of the past. (when i DO see her, like at mutual friends' simchos, it's very tough! but it happens rarely and i deal with it...)
what you deal with seems to be much more intense at this point. I'm sorry that you are STILL dealing with the fresh pain on a daily basis, that you have not received that apology, that she has not come to terms with the fact that she has hurt you very deeply and that she continues to do so... i can't imagine having to be in such close contact with such an unfortunate circumstance... may Hashem give you the incredible amounts of strength that is necessary to get through this!

remember, you will not have to deal with this for the rest of your life... one day either of you or both of you will move to different places... you won't be seeing her on a daily basis forever... one day you too will be able to have the opportunity to process the pain you are going through properly... she will become a part of your past, a part of your growth process, a part of what makes you stronger and more forgiving, a part of what makes you a more experienced and smarter person, a part of what makes you more a more loyal friend, and a part of what makes you more aware of the feelings and needs of others... b'ezras hashem you will find a time in your life when she will be insignificant compared to the incredible experiences that Hashem has planned for you... you will only be stronger because of this. like i said, i'm still dealing with some pain too, but as time goes on and I process it more, I feel that I'm only a better me because of it... Hashem gives us challenges to grow. Nothing is for naught!

Hatzlacha!

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 1:23 PM

Just something to think about: Getting engaged is not the end of the journey; it's only the beginning! If this girl is really emotionally damaged and has so many bad middos, it's likely that her marriage will suffer. So if you want to know "where the justice is", it may be that her engagement is actually a punishment. Imagine having to go through a broken engagement or a divorce, especially when there are children involved, and thank Hashem that He is waiting to send you your bashert only when you are ready for him, and not before.

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 1:33 PM

This is a perfect example of how we are supposed to learn how the world works. My grandparents are survivors. Did they do anything to deserve what they went through? No. Nothing. On the flip side, not everyone who does hurtful things get the "punishment" we expect.

I have also been on the receiving end of hurtful behavior, of one-sided friendships. The betrayal never seems to leave you. I can pull up stories with perfect clarity that took place a decade ago, but I won't remember that I was supposed to pick up bananas on the way home.

Dwelling on the past is dangerous, because is prevents us from moving forward. We also have these checklists in our head, of what we "need" in order to be happy, and think all marriages and relationships are the same. I don't want to poo-poo the bliss of engagement and marriage, but it is not a guaranteed happily ever after. It's not that she has been "rewarded" while you have been "punished." What she expects in a relationship is not what you expect. I like to think that those of us who wait longer have the opportunity to become better, more complete individualsโ€”I am certainly not the same girl I was when I was 20, and I am grateful for what I have learned.

"Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head." I spent so much time playing over and over the hurt others cost me, while they don't even give me a passing thought. Who gets the last laugh then? I was so eager for friendship that I allowed myself to be misused. If you give yourself time to become friends with oneself, to realize what is and isn't acceptable behavior, then you ensure never being mistreated again. You can stop it before it starts.

Recognize what this hurtful experience has taught you, not just the wrongs done. Recognize that every hurt that comes our way is from Hashem. Someone very close to me hurt me terribly not so long ago, and when I stopped dwelling on the injustice and recognized that whenever I hurt it comes from Hashem with a purpose, I was at peace, and able to sleep at night.

Flip the perspective. Focus on what you can control, and give over to Hashem what you can't.

chaykie

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 1:56 PM

thanks all of you. i mean, i can't say what u said makes me feel better. truthfully, it doesn't. right now, i'm in this situation and it hurts. it feels like i've been hit with my own set of makkos, when i'm supposed to be feeling geula now. it just hurts. but it's nice to know i'm not alone and that ppl know what i'm feeling like (kind of, in ur own way). so thanks for that. but i do wish that you all feel some sort of reprieve from whatever your situations are, very soon. may we all.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 5:01 PM

firstly, in the gap and chaykie, i apparently got a little confused when i responded the second time i was speaking to "in the gap" as if she was the original poster because she started with "thank you" so i assumed she was the OP without checking the name! so you can both read that second post and dissect it to take whatever applies to u from it! sorry bout that!

secondly, bibliophile02, when i responded the first time, i was also thinking about the point u bring up- like we don't know what justice really is, we don't know the full picture... we don't know the happy ending etc... but i didn't feel so comfortable taking the route of comforting myself with the idea that "she's so messed up, she'll get divorced" I actually just like to think of it as, I'm not G-d, I'm totally clueless as to the basis of his decisions, and just like i don't know what people deserve, i need to trust that they are getting exactly what's right for them... because He is totally in control! (just as princess lea pointed out) In regard to the first girl that i wrote about, i daven for her a lot that Hashem should help her open her eyes to what exactly took place so that she can build a healthy relationship with her husband.
people have pasts, ppl have struggles, ppl make mistakes, and ppl learn... and i hope that everyone has the zchusim to find their bashert at the right time and have all that it takes to build a healthy marriage and bayis neeman byisroel!

I have to say that i too find it comforting that others can relate to the pain that i went through... writing about it here has certainly aided in processing it further.

blueberry

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 17, 2014, 10:27 PM

This thread is sooo interesting to read! Girls are so complicated especially when it comes to relationships. Its so crazy how so many people have had similar situations and I find it inspiring how everyone offers whatever they can by either relating to others' situations or offering advice!

I have a friend who also constantly leans on me for advice and a listening ear, seems similar to waiting game's friend and she also recently got married. I thought things would change once she had a husband but they haven't....

From the beginning of our relationship, I never viewed it as a give and take situation because she doesnt have the emotional capacity or energy to be a real friend to me when I would need her. She also kinda looks up to me in a way that is like "I could never give you what you give me if i tried so im not gonna bother". While i dont expect the same back, since I don't really need what she needs (constant encouragement etc..), a little interest in whats happening in my life/school/ job would be nice. And I know that if i was ever in a situation where I would really need a friend, she is definitely not one I could count on (even though I think she views herself as one).

Sometimes it can really be draining when there's nothing, not even a little bit of interest or any thoughtfulness at all on her part but I just keep reminding myself that it's a chessed and I keep thanking hashem for giving me the clear thinking skills to be able to help ppl. cuz the truth is, a gift like that is ultimately gona help ME the most.

Our relationship is definitely not the healthiest one I have, but to make a relationship healthy, you just need to set boundaries and it only takes one side to do that even though in the best situation, both sides do. So thats exactly what i do- sometimes im unavailable and sometimes i make myself unavailable even when i really am.

I can totally see how when a person who hurt you or seems unstable gets married, it can be painful cuz its kinda like "why are all these emotionally unstable ppl getting married when i cant even get a decent date" but as we know, guys are very young and immature and often the things they are looking for are not exactly criteria for a good stable wife and mother. A lot of guys like these needy girls cuz it makes them feel macho when the girl comes crying to them. Its a pretty needy and immature basis for a decision that may come to haunt them for the rest of their lives but hey, takes one to know one! A guy can't go into a marriage with his confidence totally dependent on his wife constantly needing him but that's for a whole separate thread, maybe it can be called "traits to attract immature guys" or "the only problem marriage solves is the problem of being single"- the options are endless!

All I can say is like someone in the thread mentioned, getting engaged and married is not the end, its just the beginning and being needy or emotionally unstable makes the process even harder than it is for the most normal stable person. From my experience with this friend, I have been very in touch with her since her wedding and its been a very bumpy ride. Its definitely not divorce material but they have a lot of issues to work through and being a needy person not only creates more issues but makes it harder to deal with them.

Someone else in the thread mentioned this and I think it is so important- being "freinds" with oneself. It sounds nerdy but its so healthy to spend time just with yourself, focusing on your own needs first- Just turn off your phone and enjoy your own company. I think once a person recognizes their own emotional needs and takes care of them self first, they may avoid these hurtful situations in the first place and they will probably be a healthier person for their own marriage IYH.

Hatzlacha!

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: so hurt ๐Ÿ™
on: April 23, 2014, 11:19 AM

blueberry: I am also in the sort of friendship you have, and it's okay, because, like you, I set boundaries. She needs someone to unload on, and I do have the satisfaction of knowing that I talked her off the cliff, but she won't be there for me. And you know what? As long as you acknowledge that up front, it is all good. She calls me when she is bored and wants to chat, but if I'm busy or tired I have no guilt not picking up.

As long as we know where the lines are, and we don't let them cross them, then everything is fine.

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