Forums

Suggest a New Forum Category

Welcome Guest 

Show/Hide Header

Welcome Guest, posting in this forum requires registration.

Pages: [1]
Author Topic: Shidduchim and Esrogim
Bracha

Dating Maven

Posts: 62
Send Message
Post Shidduchim and Esrogim

Hi there..I was just thinking and figured I might as well put pen to paper..I saw this written somewhere and want to hear what all of you have to say:
"A metaphor: This year I had very little time, and found no hatzlacha in finding a mehudar esrog, so I bought a "sealed box" and relied on the the yerei shamayim employed by the badatz that the esrog is what it is labeled as. When I opened it up, it was not exactly a love affair, but we stayed together over succos, and functioned well.

Now can we develop a sensitive, vetted, no opening, no refund, "sealed box" system for shiduchim ?"

Hm, I don't know. But this really did get my mind working hard..maybe I am too picky and say no for the wrong reasons. Is there really such an idea as the perfect match? Won't certain traits come out at some point in the marriage that I will need to deal with? And so, if they come out a little earlier can't I deal with it too? I don't know maybe I'm thinking too much but maybe there are real reasons why some older girls are still single, and then I ask myself will I be like that???

Avigail

Dating Maven

Posts: 130
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim

My cousin/mentor always tells me "don't worry - you'll REALLY like the guy you marry!". There are so many times that I feel this way after a date, like maybe I should just say "yes" to the guy because he wasn't bad, but she always tells me I'm crazy and not to ever think I'm going to settle. Well, she said the same thing to my older sisters, and she was right .... so I'm counting on what she says for me!

Shaindy

Dating Maven

Posts: 67
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim

There is a vey fine line here that it sounds like you are referring too and thank you to Bracha for such a great Mashal. It sure got me thinking. Relationships take time to build and if you had a nice time after date number two but your not crazy about the guy you bet you should be going out again. It takes time to bond with someone and I heard from so many people before that they were going to stop dating their husband but they decided to give it another try and then that date was great and now they are happily married. Yes, before deciding that you want to marry him you do need to be into him and crazy about him but that doesn't happen right away. Just because date number two was okay it doesn't mean that you should stop. It does get to a point that you can't feel just okay about him anymore and you need to feel more for him but you get the idea. Hope you get what I mean

bibliophil-
e02

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim
on: November 19, 2013, 4:47 PM

No of course you should not marry a "sealed box"!! For heaven's sake make sure you know what you are getting into!! An abusive husband ch"v is much, much worse than no husband at all. Of course people check, etc etc but even in less extreme situations you really do need to be sure that it's what you want, and that you're not going along with it just to get married already. I can't even count how many engagements I know of that were broken because of this sort of thing.

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim
on: November 19, 2013, 8:51 PM

Wow, how can anyone suggest 'choosing' one's spouse like purchasing a sealed esrog?! Do the people you date come sealed and stamped from badatz? No person has a hechsher; there are no guarantees. The only way for you to know what you're getting is for you to get to know the person. And, a person is so much more complex than an esrog. (I hope!) S/he may appear one way to some people, but really be very different in reality. There are so many fewer variables that can go wrong when it comes to esrogim (or really anything other than a potential spouse). Of course one should examine his/her date critically. You're iy"H spending the rest of your life with this person!

There's a huge difference between tolerating a less than gorgeous esrog (however you classify the mehudarness of an esrog) for one y"t, and 'tolerating' a spouse, and all those things about him/her that will make a big difference in your relationship, for the rest of your life. This comparison is ridiculous.

Perhaps the point is less about the "sealed box" but of the concept of singles not being so picky. To that I have to say that usually people have good reasons for nixing a guy/girl. You're picking out the person you will be spending the rest of your life with, combining your genes with, raising a family together, etc. Every single has a right to be discriminatory. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather be single than married to someone I don't like and respect. That being said, we all need to keep in mind that nobody's perfect and it's about the "package."

basmelech

Dating Coach

Posts: 408
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim
on: November 20, 2013, 12:43 AM

Agree with thinkingbygirl. But yes after a few years people should start thinking out of the box. Someone stuck on 6"3? Has to have x amount of money? Only orthodox litvish heimish chasidish...? These things should become more flexible over time. Hey maybe the right one is one ins shorter? Earns y instead of x amount? Has different minhagim? Everthing else fits give it a try. you might find it doesnt bother you like you thought it would. Hatzlacha rabba! Hope the right one will be a good fit! 🙂

sem613

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
Send Message
Post Re: Shidduchim and Esrogim
on: November 20, 2013, 8:10 AM

just one thing about the sealed box: just because its good doesn't mean its right for you.

if someone has a small hand, tehyre going to look at the esrog before they buy to make sure they can hold it comfortably. each girl (and boy) has a different personality, and even if its a "good boy" you have to make sure its right for you

Pages: [1]
Mingle Forum by cartpauj
Version: 1.0.33.3; Page loaded in: 0.07 seconds.