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Author Topic: not compatible dor yeshorim
sem613

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 11, 2015, 8:53 PM

Hi everyone.
I just need to vent about this a bit and I can't vent to anyone for real, which is part of the problem.
I went out with a guy once, and it was really really good. Like I thought this might be THE ONE. We did Dor Yeshorim after the first date, and it turns out that we are both carriers for the same thing. Of course, it means that we are promptly ending it. But it's so much harder than any other breakup I've had because I still think this guy is so great and was so perfect for me. Normally when you break up you at least see what the personality or hashkafic problem was, here there was none. I just really miss him, even though I barely know him.
And to make it even harder, I can't tell any of my friends about it to get chizuk from them, because you aren't supposed to admit that you are a carrier apparently. I just need to pretend it didn't work out, but it's so much harder and so different. It's just a very hard situation ,so I came here, where i can admit it to get some chizzuk, and get my thoughts out

Thanks

scru

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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 11, 2015, 10:14 PM

Hi, this is what happened to one of my relatives, who is BH now very, very happily married with several kids, k"ah. She went out abt 3 times and this was after not much happening with shidduchim for a long while, and he was so nice and seemed so right for her...Dor yesharim was checked and it didn't match. She felt down for a long time. We all were really worried, she wasn't young anymore...Then a shidduch came abt through lots of hashgacha pratis and she married. It's unbelievable how perfect her husband is for her. The boy who didn't work out bec of dor yesharim, it was very devastating then, but now we are so very grateful. The other guy seemed good too but the one she got is everything she wanted plus more. There's a saying rejection is protection. I know this is not rejection but the lesson can still be applied. I heard someone say she wants to send flowers to all who told her no and to all who she didn't marry, even the ones she originally wished would work out, because she ended up doing way better then she could have imagined, with Hashem's help. I know this guy is great and perfect for you, but you never know, something better and more perfect will come your way with Hashem's help. I saw this happen firsthand and till today have no words for what happened. She would have gotten married to that guy but the guy she got after, through miraculous circumstances, is more suitable for her. Iy"H you should find the perfect guy for you bekarov!! All the best!!! And by the way about one out of four of us is a carrier, it's no biggie. Hugs & Kisses <3 <3 <3 I really hoped this helped and my story provided some chizzuk!

moori

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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 13, 2015, 12:12 AM

If the shidduch is for sure over, i apologize in advance for stirring the pot.
However, since it seems that dropping this shidduch is a big loss, i feel compelled to ask, did Dor Yeshorim let you know what disease makes you incompatible? some genetic diseases are dormant and at the very worst, inconvenient, such as Gauchers, as opposed to something devastating such as Tay-Sachs, r"l. is it possible to look into genetic counseling?

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 17, 2015, 3:11 PM

im so sorry sem613, that's so so upsetting! ive actually heard recently that many ppl are checking dor yesharim even before the couple goes out, just to prevent this from happening, which i happen to think is such a smart idea. this way no feelings are hurt, no hearts broken if it's not a match. i guess most ppl think that after one date, what kind of feelings can you really have? but save yourself the pain next time, maybe request of your parents/the shadchan to check out dor yesharim before you go out. I happen to think it'd be great to do it even before parents do other inquiries- that is so stressful as well, and if its not compatible from the beginning, why should you all have to go through that? just something to consider. i know it sounds so strange to ask up front, but i happen to know you are not the only girl this has happened to! i actually read an interview of the man who founded dor yesharim, he said he personally suggests that numbers should be checked for compatibility before the couple meets the first time, as he has gotten many phone calls from parents blaming him for ruining a shidduch because everything was going so well, only to find out that the couple is not compatible, and now both parties are heartbroken. his response was basically "hey, you could have checked this out before. i tell ppl to check before they go out. don't let me stop them from marrying, if they want to, let them get married. come back to me in 5 years and tell me how their kids are doing" sounds kinda harsh, but a lot of truth behind it. i know you are in pain now. i'm so so sorry. i don't necessarily have a way to make it go away, but i'll try my own personal story. i went out with many guyz, my friends were all getting married, having kids...(and i was only 23 when i did get married...), it certainly felt at some times like "am i ever really gonna get married? is there really someone out there for me?" then i attended a shiur, and the speaker gave a beautiful speech that the perek of tehillim that is known for shidduchim is kuf chaf alef in which it states "esa einai el heharim me'ayin yavo ezri" she said there is a deeper meaning to shidduchim, alluded to in this sentence. the first part should be read esa einai el he'horim- i am lifting my eyes up away from my parents (meaning, ready to move on with life), but me'ayin yavo ezri, the person who will be my ezer, my helper, the other part of my soul, will only come me'ayin- from a deep feeling of nothingness, rejection, pain. why? because it is in those dark times (she was giving this speech on chanukah) where we have to look for that little spark of light, the yad Hashem that is there. which is why we light the menorah in the darkest month of the year. when we are happy we sometimes forget Hashem is in charge, it is only in our sadness that we remember we must daven to Him for help. that is why me'ayin yavo ezri- in those sad, devastating, painful times of waiting...that's when we remember to Daven to Hashem. which is what He wants. Davening is part of a relationship between us and Hashem. Hashem wants a relationship with us, so He can grant us the new relationship we so desire. That's the basic idea of what the speaker said. and from personal experience, i can say, i davened, said tehillim, joined groups set up as a daven for me and i'll daven for you kinda thing. i went to shadchanim, did hishtadlus, davened some more, learned with friends over the phone, i felt like "Hashem i'm doing so so much, how much more do i need??" then a friend, who had very badly hurt me emotionally a year before that, got engaged. we had cut off contact, so i heard through someone else who didn't realize we were no longer friends. that was the straw that broke the camels back. i spent that whole day crying so hard that she didn't deserve it, she was emotionally unstable and hurt me so badly, how could her life become better now when she hurt me so much? i was a wreck...that was shabbos hagadol last year (not this past, but the one before). i vowed then and there that i would say shir hashirim every friday night and every night of every yom tov until i got engaged. i also found on this website different segulas to do at the pesach seder, and made my family do them with me. interestingly enough, by chol hamoed pesach, i felt tons better, like Hashem was not going to let go of my hand, and He knew what He was doing. i kept my shir hashirim schedule, did everything else i was supposed to, and guess what? a month and a half after that friend got married, i got engaged 🙂 i could not believe it. i was like "oh my gosh, Hashem had it all planned out. I just couldn't see the end, so it seemed like a tunnel of darkness with no source of light anywhere. when i got desperate, i found it. i dunno if this helps, but i tried. wishing you and all on here all the best!

gold

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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 22, 2015, 11:29 PM

Sem613, I know the feeling....because it happened to me!
The difference was that we didnt check DY after date #1, rather we were much further along, unfortunately, when we checked. To give you an idea: it was a half an hour before I was going to meet his parents. Half an hour before the date, we got this news! I will tell you that this incident was the hardest thing that I went through in my entire life! Everytime I think back to that time period, I almost have heart palpatations, bec. the subsequent days, weeks, and months were oh, so hard! It took me such a long time to move on. And I know the exact feeling that you have of the fact that you thought this was the one.
One thing to give you chizzuk-I think the fact that DY was the issue and NOT a hashkafic/personality, should comfort you (at least it comforted me). After all this shidduch wasnt meant to be-period! Would you have rather gone thru more dates and be rejected later on because of a hashkafic/personality issue?? NO! At the end of the day-there were no hurt feelings and that means a lot. You dont feel rejected by him and he doesnt feel rejected by u. And remember he probably also feels down about it. So the fact that none of you have anything against each other-should comfort u a bit.
Anywys I have more I could tell u but please PM me if u want:) Hatzlacha!

gold

Dating Maven

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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: August 22, 2015, 11:34 PM

@ moori-I dont think ur statment about some genetic diseases being dormant/inconvineint is correct. Dor Yeshorim will not break a shidduch because of inconvenient disease. Also there are a lot of different strains and types of each genetic disease-it is not as simple as it seems. Genetic counsling is not an answer for ppl who are not engaged yet, let alone only after a first date. Genetic counseling is for those who are already married and only then find out that they are both carriers. Besides for the fact that it is very financially and emotionally draining-it is not a simple thing and therefore not a solution.

sem613

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Posts: 134
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Post Re: not compatible dor yeshorim
on: September 3, 2015, 5:53 PM

Thanks everyone for all your great responses. Dor Yesharim does not tell you what you are carriers for unless it is NOT life threatening (this happened to my brother- it was something inconvenient but not life threatening and they told him it was up to him).

After agonizing over it a long time and almost bursting into tears when I read a serial that mentioned it (the current Sara Wiederblank one in Binah from earlier this summer), I just felt like I needed to tell a friend, to talk it out with someone.
So I picked one friend who is not part of the yeshivish world where it has a stigma (she did open testing), and after I told her, i felt much better. It's very hard keeping things secret, and while I know why we do it, it would probably break me.

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