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Author Topic: Mixed Emotions
BaisYaakov-
Maidel

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Post Mixed Emotions
on: February 10, 2013, 2:22 PM

Another friend just got engaged!!!!! That's a good thing, right?? Well, why does it not feel like that??? Don't get me wrong, like all my other friends that got engaged/married, I'm really happy for her and hope she has all the best.. but at the same time, I feel kinda jealous, like when will be my turn??? I'm one of those girls who don't get 'yeses' from boys very often, and my dates are few and far between. I know it's all in Hashem's hands, and I just have to keep davening....But it's soo hard when I really don't feel like ANYTHING is happening. And now that all my friends are one by one getting engaged, and moving away, I feeling more and more alone!!!
AAAAHHHHH!!!!

shono

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 10, 2013, 3:35 PM

i am in the same boat as you!!! it is really tough, but we need to remember that just because she found her bashert now doesnt take away from yours being less good or not happening at all... it is so hard when our friends are dropping one by one getting engaged and we are left sitting alone... but we need to try to occupy our time with things that enjoy us that distract us from the fact that we are single... our time will come... you should definitely listen to chevi garfinkels speech on this site in the inspiration section- talks about this! just keep davening and keep busy and your time will come and it will be worth the wait IYH! we are all in this together! ad also fewer dates is a good thing... that means u dont need to waste ur time on bad dates 🙂 hashem is helping u!

InShidduch-
imFollower

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 10, 2013, 4:56 PM

You know, I often try to think of what mrs dusseldorf in ey says. She once spoke in my sem years back, and she said, when you go home, it's like entering a waiting room. For example, when you go to the dentist. You know you'll have to wait but you don't know if it will be ten minutes or two hours. O you bring along something to do so you occupy yourself and don't feel like you've wasted time. Same with all of us now... We're all in a waiting room, waiting for the right one to surface. But we have no idea how long the wait is gonna be. Either we can get depressed while we wait or we can make these years more productive...which do you chose?

dancer90

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 10, 2013, 6:15 PM

all these comparisons to buses and waiting rooms are driving me crazy. nothing to do with bitachon. its just plain and simple feeling alone and rejected!! when you are on a bus and someone gets off you dont feel alone. but when your last friend from your hometown is getting married and moving away- you do feel alone!!!!! thats the difference! and you have every right to be sad and dejected. But what you can do is use that pain to daven harder and bring out the tears when you open your tehillim. no matter how busy you get you will still feel left behind even though it’s not a race etc. etc... lets be realistic- this isnt a train ride to manhattan. its life and its painful. Im not a cynical person at all. but you can channel this pain to your siddur and that will go somewhere….

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 10, 2013, 7:50 PM

Quote from dancer90 on February 10, 2013, 6:15 PM
all these comparisons to buses and waiting rooms are driving me crazy. nothing to do with bitachon. its just plain and simple feeling alone and rejected!! when you are on a bus and someone gets off you dont feel alone. but when your last friend from your hometown is getting married and moving away- you do feel alone!!!!! thats the difference! and you have every right to be sad and dejected. But what you can do is use that pain to daven harder and bring out the tears when you open your tehillim. no matter how busy you get you will still feel left behind even though it’s not a race etc. etc... lets be realistic- this isnt a train ride to manhattan. its life and its painful. Im not a cynical person at all. but you can channel this pain to your siddur and that will go somewhere….

Agreed. It's important to feel what you're feeling, etc. That's the whole point of a nisayon, it's there for a reason. It's supposed to make you better. If you just ignore it, it doesn't go away. All these analogies are just meant to help put things into perspective, help you through this nisayon. If they don't work for you, then they're not meant for you. Do whatever it is that helps you through.

atararox

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 11, 2013, 7:38 PM

exactly! if these analogies help then good for you (but i do find most people get bored and annoyed from them after a while) the main thing is to just be honest with yourself. dont go feeling all bad and guilty. its normal to feel sad and frustrated and angry and alone etc etc...dont beat yourself up over it.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 11, 2013, 10:12 PM

Yup, I don't think these mishalim and analogies negate all the very real feelings that are normal for someone in your situation, which you should be experiencing. They just put a positive spin on it, or like I said, attempt to put things into perspective. If it doesn't help you, feel free to ignore them. Other people can glean a lot of chizuk from them...

smile19

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 11, 2013, 11:28 PM

I'm with when u guys sed u feel alone I just got back from seminary and Im having rough time but all my friends seems like so easy for thm we defently x no what hashm has in store but gluckk and yh by all of us 😀

heyhey

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 12, 2013, 12:05 AM

😀

heyhey

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 12, 2013, 12:05 AM

we are all in this together!! gluck

bitachon

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: February 12, 2013, 7:46 PM

well being in the parsha for a number of years i have many friends older, my age, and younger (even my campers!!) than me...put it midly all my friends from hs sem and college are married.
i want to let you know that YOUR NORMAL! u r gonna go through life's ups and downs and you could feel many emotions at one time!!!
seriously speaking, (and im talking to myself as well) now is a time to take advantage of it and use ur time doing things u love and with people that are positive and u love to be around.
also- every stage has it's challenges and marriage doesnt solve ur problems except for the "prob" of being single and there are plenty of pp who r married and x happy either...
ps ive had married frnds tell me they are jealous of me for a number of reasons (not that it made me feel better)
but yes its def a challenge and its ok even more that ok to CRY and CRY and CRy just use it as tefillah and its soo sooo powerful

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: November 19, 2013, 7:08 AM

A close friend of mine just got engaged and I'm thrilled for her, I really am! But when she came in and made her announcement and we spontaneously started dancing around her...I started crying! B"H no one noticed. So I talked about it with a teacher/mentor and she just made it worse..."everyone has their petek" blah blah blah...another mentor walked me to her fridge and showed me her magnets with inspirational sayings on them! I mean really! I don't need that stuff, I've heard it a million times. What do they think is going through my head, like ohhh wow! I never thought about it that way! Well NOW I'm not sad anymore!! Seriously I really just wanted an understanding ear and all I got was mussar. I'm past that stage. I just crave sympathy. I need to cry a little and I need someone to tell me it's okay to cry, and then I'll be able to wipe away the tears and move on with my life. I don't want advice and I don't want to be told that my perspective is off. It isn't! You're only seeing me at this moment of pain and not 99% of my life when I'm happy.

daysfan24

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: November 19, 2013, 8:58 AM

I am so glad I'm not the only one who is getting tired of the same analogies/mishalim. Not to put anyone down or anything. But it does help hearing that I'm not the only one. It's hard, it is not easy to keep your emotions boggled up.

And bibliophil-e02 I can totally relate. Sometimes I do feel like crying too. Esp. in the moment, Iike I dreamed about me doing the exact same thing when I'm dancing around my friends and I'm engaged. Just gotta remember that it will happen and it will be even more happier knowing we had a huge nisayon that we passed.

dschecht13

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Post Re: Mixed Emotions
on: November 19, 2013, 10:09 AM

Quote from bibliophile02 on November 19, 2013, 7:08 AM
A close friend of mine just got engaged and I'm thrilled for her, I really am! But when she came in and made her announcement and we spontaneously started dancing around her...I started crying! B"H no one noticed. So I talked about it with a teacher/mentor and she just made it worse..."everyone has their petek" blah blah blah...another mentor walked me to her fridge and showed me her magnets with inspirational sayings on them! I mean really! I don't need that stuff, I've heard it a million times. What do they think is going through my head, like ohhh wow! I never thought about it that way! Well NOW I'm not sad anymore!! Seriously I really just wanted an understanding ear and all I got was mussar. I'm past that stage. I just crave sympathy. I need to cry a little and I need someone to tell me it's okay to cry, and then I'll be able to wipe away the tears and move on with my life. I don't want advice and I don't want to be told that my perspective is off. It isn't! You're only seeing me at this moment of pain and not 99% of my life when I'm happy.

bibliophile02- I totally understand what you are going through. Just remember that Hashem is always listening, and those tears help. He understands what you are going through, you might want to look into new mentors. When I went through something similar lately, i had a wonderful mentor, who said go ahead and cry its good for you type of thing. And afterwards when i was in better frame of my mind we discussed it, and we decided that I had dealt with it properly. You are not alone!

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