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Author Topic: Make me feel better, please!!!!
basyisroel-
21

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Post Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: August 21, 2014, 10:37 PM

I am sooo frustrated and hurt and exhausted and discouraged all at the same time! Some background:
Basically, in the past 2 years, I have only gotten a few dates. None of them got anywhere near serious. I want to get married so so badly. Last week, I got a yes. We did our research and it really didn't seem like my type for a few reasons. They were really petty and insignificant things and I really had to do some soul-searching and I really worked on myself until I was able to say that I'll look past those things and give it a try. All because I want to get married and build a family- and that is important enough to me that I'm willing to really overcome some big challenges in order to get there. So we went out and I didn't think it was for me (not because of those petty things), but I gave it another chance anyway. I was really showing myself and Hashem how badly I want to make this work.
After the second date, we both said no. So the first issue is that I was really hurt. Even though it totally wasn't a shidduch and I had also said no, my ego was just battered and shattered once again. (Most of the previous guys were the ones to say no). So although I know that logically there's not reason to be hurt, I just can't help it. I's so hard for me to take rejection. What's wrong with me? Why does everyone say no? I hate the whole process of shidduchim, I really do!
The second issue is like this: While I was dating this guy, I got a yes from someone who was suggested a while earlier and really DID sound perfect. By the time I became available again and got back to him, he had already said yes to someone else! I'm so so disappointed because we heard incredible things about him and it sounds perfect for me.
I know that it was obviously meant to be this way, and if it doesn't work out with that girl maybe he'll get back to me, but in the meantime, I'm so frustrated that I lost an amazing opportunity just because I was trying to be mature and not shallow and so I went out with someone who I really didn't want to go out with. And again- I have only gotten the opportunity to go out with 4 guys in more than 2 years so it's really major that he said yes.
And again, I know that it's Hashem's plan and all that, but I just can't stop crying. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and drained.
If anyone can make me feel better, I'd really appreciate it! I really need some chizuk from people who are in the same boat.
I CAN'T TAKE SHIDDUCHIM ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

in the gap

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: August 22, 2014, 5:21 PM

I really feel for you! I know how frustrating it is to be in Shidduchim. Sometimes I look at the "no"s as a measure of comfort, because the decision is no longer in your hands and if he said no then chances are at the end of the day he is not the right one. Just picture marrying him and getting divorced. Wouldn't it be better to just wait it out, rather than have to go through that.

Therightti-
me

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: August 22, 2014, 6:48 PM

I totally feel your pain! Shidduchim is literally the worst. But unfortunately we have to go through it to get married πŸ™
I've also been dating for the past two years. B"H I have had about 13 dates. Only three of them went to a second date. And most were HORRIBLE! It's definitely not about the numbers when it comes to dating. Everyone goes out with the amount of people that they need to before meeting their bashert. It's definitely the worst feeling waiting for the phone to ring. But it's also the worst feeling finally getting a yes and then having a horrible date!

You are definitely an extremely mature person to be able to overlook certain things to go out with someone. But, you should definitely not be overlooking things just to get married. I was recently dating someone seriously, BH it didn't work out, but it took 5 weeks to figure that out. Along the way there were certain things that bothered me, that I kept over looking because I thought that I would never find someone perfect. In the end those things just came out more and once it was over I wanted to kick myself for even thinking of compromising on certain things! If you have certain standards that are important to you- do not compromise on them just for the sake of getting married! But it really depends on what you are talking about. If someones height bothers you, that not a deal breaker. If we are talking about having a TV in your home or how often your husband will learn, it's a different story.

On the other hand, I think you are really showing Hashem that you are ready. By going out with the guy despite the things that were bothering you- and the fact that you went on a second date- you were fully doing your hishtadlus. All we can do is our part. The rest is up to Hashem. You are fully doing what you need to! Now Hashem needs to take over.

It always hurts when someone says no! Even if you also thought it wasn't for you, it's always easier if you are the only one saying no. You just have to keep telling yourself it obviously wasn't your bashert. When the guy says no, it makes it easier to see. When ever I am the one saying no I always doubt myself if I'm doing the right thing. If he can't see what an amazing girl you are too bad! Next! Iy"H your bashert will not say no!

While I was dating a guy, I also got a yes that I had to turn down because I was busy. Of course then when it didn't work out the guy was busy! You need to keep telling yourself that if it is meant to be it will happen at the right time! Only Hashem knows when that is. Keep in touch with the shadchan every other week to see if the guy becomes available. It is definitely a horrible feeling when you finally get a yes and then have to turn it down! It is all in Hashems hands! The only thing we can do is daven and our hishtadlus.

If there is one thing I have learned is that YOU need to do your part. After I broke things off with the last guy I was dating I got so fed up! My other siblings met through friends and didn't really go through the shidduch process. My mother always sent emails and called people and shadchanim, but she was never super proactive about it. I stopped relying on my mother and have been doing everything myself lately. I send the emails, I call, I set up meetings. No more relying on anyone else. Mark your calender every month and send a reminder email. Call anyone you can think of! Sitting around waiting for the phone to ring won't accomplish anything. For the longest time I was bothering my brother to talk to a certain shadchan for me. Last week I got the shadchans number and called him myself to meet him. Guess what? His wife thought of someone for me and I got a yes! It might not be for me, but I'm still doing as much as I can.

At the end of the day- it's all in Hashems hand. We do our hishtadlus, and leave the rest up to Him!

Hope this cheers you up a bit! Don't be down! It will all work out! πŸ™‚

Malkayehud-
ia

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: August 26, 2014, 3:11 AM

Basyisroel21 I am exactly like that too. I went out with a guy once and I didn't think he was for me at all and I said no to him but when I found out that he said no to me too I started crying hysterically and I was upset for a while about that. I am trying to work on myself I have no idea why I am like that lol. So don't worry it's not only you.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: August 26, 2014, 5:02 PM

I'm sorry for your struggle! trust me, i'm not enjoying this shidduch process anymore than you are! But I think that it might be helpful for you to remember that a "no" after a date is not a rejection of who you are as a person and shouldn't be taken as an insult! If someone doesn't want to marry you, it's not necessarily because he didn't like you.. it could just be that as nice, beautiful, caring, considerate, funny, etc as you are, you just dnt match up to what HE's looking for in a partner for life! Just to give you an example, i went out with a guy a few times- he was kind, we laughed a lot, and he had many traits that i appreciated... but I realized that as nice as he was, he wasn't my bashert because I recognized that he wasn't outgoing enough for ME. I, waiting game, need someone who is more dynamic... There's NOTHING wrong with being a bit more on the quiet side- i can't imagine anyone wud be insulted if they were described as such! but it's just something that's not right for ME. a quieter girl might really appreciate his calm, quiet nature!! i didn't say no to HIM as a person, i said no to the idea of marrying him because i have specific needs.
so i'm just saying, in general, don't be offended by a "no"! you only have to match up to ONE person's needs. if you fit the description for everyone, then you wouldn't need to date! you would just be able to marry anyone! but you are meant for someone specific and that someone specific is the only one that needs to say yes! if someone says no, then he is not your bashert- and hey, what does his opinion matter anyway! he's not for you! as mentioned earlier, it's a relief when someone says no because you know the decision is not in your hands and that's the best clarity you can get!

rg

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: September 18, 2014, 7:34 PM

Shidduchim is sooo full of unexplainable emotions. I felt the same way when I got a no, even though I was logically thanking Hashem for letting him say no(I didn't say no, but only to be nice), but emotionally I was depressed for a week and going over the date over and over in my head to see what would make him say no. The thing that helped was that I got away for one day and did some really fun things with friends. It's not always possible, but try to find something super fun that will make you really happy to get your mind off it. I definitely feel your pain though πŸ™ Shidduchim are the absolute worst.

justdoit

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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: September 28, 2014, 10:24 PM

I have been seeing shadchanim for the past year and have not gotten a single date. At the end of the summer, my mom, even though she is not frum told me that I needed to take two months off to do some more inner searching. The reason was because as a teenage baal teshuva who ended up going from public school to a by high school and has a lot of friends all over the jewish spectrum, I have experienced a variety of different backgrounds and philosophies within a Torah framework and other than wanting a chareidi shidduch, I was starting to struggle with certain things like tznius. After doing some soul searching and speaking to a rebbetzin I am close with, I realized that there is a group . Chassidim that fit pretty much my vision of what I am looking for. I am still on break for now, but I plan on using the rest of my break to fignite some stuff out.

basmelech

Dating Coach

Posts: 408
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Post Re: Make me feel better, please!!!!
on: October 30, 2014, 7:53 PM

Totally agree its extremely frustrating. I also went out 3 times in past 2 1/2 years. Not a lot of yeses at all. At least they were decent boys. But its a challenge to believe that there's someone out there for me ( and you) who will say yes + be the right type. It's compared to krias yam suf for a reason : ) anyway hang in there. Were all in the same boats! πŸ™‚

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