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Author Topic: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
inshidduch-
im613

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Post Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 11, 2013, 10:47 PM

i find many times people say "no" cuz of reasons that arent really important just cuz "why should they say yes to one girl if they have another girl that looks exactly the same, but doesn't have that "flaw"....
it just really bothers me...
like for example, let's say a girl's sister's "off-the-derech" (i really dont like that term but im using it for lack of a better word), boys many times run away from that (and i'm talking from actually seeing this happen to someone unfortunately) cuz why not? they can get a "perfect" family. or let's say a girl's overweight or not gorgeous...or let's say someone's parents are divorced or niftar or something else...people say no for these reasons. im not saying the girl shouldn't be REALLY checked out to make sure she's not affected negatively but she should at least be checked out! i've seen people say no "off the bat" without checking out at all just cuz the girl's not "perfect"
sorry for the long ramble but just wanna know if anyone else also feels this way...

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 11, 2013, 11:20 PM

What can I say? I understand what you're getting at, and although it can be frustrating, it kind of makes sense. Important thing is to remember that Hashem is running the world. If a guy doesn't want to go out with someone because of a superficial reason, then you know what, he's not her bashert! We get upset when a guy rejects a name for apparently no (good) reason, but I say all the better. It's out of your hands; he's not your zivug!

atararox

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 11, 2013, 11:24 PM

of course! we all feel that way. No ones family/life is perfect...just some people are able to hide their problems better. but in the end every family has nisyonos so if a boy says no to a girl for an obvious reason, he might end up with a girl who has even bigger issues- just no one knows about it.
i know a girl that got married into a seemingly "perfect family". A year after she married him, the boys parents got divorced and the family split into two sides half not talking to the other half. and now their lives are a mess.
no one knows whats really going on and what the future holds.
but the idea behind this is "if i can get a family without issues then why take one with" but really no family is perfect so everyone just has to know what they can handle!

heyhey

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 12:18 AM

🙂

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 1:08 AM

thank you thinkingBYgirl for that perspective! ur rt-just hard to realize that in the moment...but sooo true! like kinda like a bracha-Hashem is saving the person from going out with someone that isnt their zivug...just gave me a lot of chizzuk!
and atararox-ur soooo rt! that's really scary tho!!! i feel so bad for that girl...shows me that we havta daven sooo hard that something like that doesnt happen...Hashem is the only One in conrol..

Smile91

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 9:08 PM

Quote from atararox on February 11, 2013, 11:24 PM
of course! we all feel that way. No ones family/life is perfect...just some people are able to hide their problems better. but in the end every family has nisyonos so if a boy says no to a girl for an obvious reason, he might end up with a girl who has even bigger issues- just no one knows about it.

100% correct, I always think to myself that it might be better to look into someone who has an obvious flaw bec. everyone has an issue and it's probably better to know what it is, so that can deal with it, rather than have something hidden pop up on you. But it definitely depends on each case, everyone can deal with diff. kinds of issues-everyone has to know themselves and what they think can handle, but always remember aint nobody perfect out there.

iThink

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 10:50 PM

The people I admire most in my life for their good midos, real relationship with Hashem, and emotional maturity ALL HAD A FEW BUMPS ALONG THE ROAD IN THEIR LIFE. Inshidduchim613: Anyone who can't appreciate the huge advantage of having a wife who's dealt with and grown through difficulties DOES NOT DESERVE HER. Those who get scared away from the imperfect girl unfortunately have some growing up to do, and you wouldn't want them doing that on your watch 🙂 that's my take on this attitude...

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 11:26 PM

thank u iThink!!!!

iThink

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 12, 2013, 11:57 PM

🙂

InShidduch-
imFollower

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 8:00 AM

Well, in that case, all you can start on your parents! And try changing their attitudes when dealing with your shidduchim and your brothers shidduchim...will you still have the same attitude? That it's ok to have some bumps? If yes, I think you're quite awesome!

iThink

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 9:17 AM

I know this is one of these things that people will agree with in theory, yet won't apply to their brothers/sons shidduchim on a practical level. But I meant what I said and I have put my money where my mouth is more than once.

cool nerd

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 5:57 PM

I used to talk to my brother about this all the time. I was so proud of him when he went out and eventually got engaged to the most amazing girl from a family with a "problem/issue". So if you have a brother that admires you, listens to you, it's worth a shot.

InShidduch-
imFollower

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 6:26 PM

It's so frustrating, cuz I'm considered one of the "top" from my high school and from my sem...I really don't mean to brag or be a baalas gaavah, Im just venting... I always had a good name, and I always had great marks, and bH I'm talented and was always popular and all that dumb stuff...but NO boy agrees to look at me cuz I come from a problem family...i feel so stuck:(

Bracha613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 8:41 PM

oish

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 9:23 PM

arent there boys from problem families too?
i mean no family is perfect but obviously some have more issues and problems that are more out in the open.
just to get an idea...what do you guys consider ''A PROBLEM FAMILY" ??
seriously. can you guys be more specific?
special needs child?
kid of the derech?
no money?
are these things what make a family a problem family?

or are you referring to stuff like
father in jail for embezzelment?
family fights?
mentally ill parent?

iThink

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 9:29 PM

Quote from InShidduchimFollower on February 13, 2013, 6:26 PM
It's so frustrating, cuz I'm considered one of the "top" from my high school and from my sem...I really don't mean to brag or be a baalas gaavah, Im just venting... I always had a good name, and I always had great marks, and bH I'm talented and was always popular and all that dumb stuff...but NO boy agrees to look at me cuz I come from a problem family...i feel so stuck:(

Hi, InShidduchimFollower, I know it's hard; believe me I do. It's not fair that people don't bother trying to see who YOU are, despite the "problem family". It hurts that all your qualities don't score a single point because all people see are the family issues. But I believe with my whole heart that there are people (not many, but they do exist) who are able to marry someone with your background and not feel like they are settling. I hope you find him soon.

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 13, 2013, 9:57 PM

Quote from InShidduchimFollower on February 13, 2013, 6:26 PM
It's so frustrating, cuz I'm considered one of the "top" from my high school and from my sem...I really don't mean to brag or be a baalas gaavah, Im just venting... I always had a good name, and I always had great marks, and bH I'm talented and was always popular and all that dumb stuff...but NO boy agrees to look at me cuz I come from a problem family...i feel so stuck:(

i just PMed you

boroparker

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 17, 2013, 4:57 AM

I totally agree with you , where I come from , everything works like that , I mean you can be a "top" girl , but if your family doesn't have money , or if you have a sibling who is not so much "in the derech" ,a special need sibling , or you didn't go to sem , you don't get a single call for dates. Unfortunately , that is the way people work , and its mamish really bad. I mean the girl can be perfect ... Whatever , all those people were obviously not our zivug . Imyh we will find the right one very soon !

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: February 17, 2013, 6:49 PM

Amen! 🙂

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e02

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: November 19, 2013, 6:47 AM

I can totally relate to this...my father was niftar shortly after my Bas Mitzvah and because of that my family has no money (B"H we had help with tuition for both my brother and me). One time I got a no from a boy but his family refused to give a reason why and I just kept thinking it must be because of my family situation, which I know is unfair for me to assume that but I couldn't help it...and the truth is that I really have grown so much because I had to go through something that most people don't at that age. I have emotional maturity and practically speaking, nebach I know from experience how to make do on a tight budget. These should be advantages in shidduchim! But people just don't think that way, if they've never had to go through it themselves...

itpy

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: November 19, 2013, 12:16 PM

I am so frustrated as well!!! My shidduchim are not coming easy either and My friend has a brother whose going through a slightly messy divorce and no one would look at her either she gets no dates!!! And if not for this sibling's divorce she would prob be the top girl on the market!! And I have another friend who athough she gets a lot of dates she's constantly worried tht her sibling thts OTD is affecting her shidduchim even tho I tell her if she's getting dates must mean that maybe people don't care abt tht sibling thts off the d!!?! but the fact that she's so worried shows how crazy this shidduch world is that people get so nervous about finding their bashert if they don't "seem perfect" to the boys and the boys mothers!!! Oish !

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: November 19, 2013, 12:50 PM

It's totally frustrating, but how do you know why someone isn't getting dates? I know great girls that have zero baggage and they don't get a lot of dates. It's really all in Hashem's hands, right? He knows what He's doing. The right person at the right time...why would you want to date someone who isn't the right one for you?

sem613

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Post Re: Just cuz shes not PERFECT?!?!?!?!
on: November 20, 2013, 8:12 AM

I've been set up with a lot of baalei teshuva who are great guys and come without that caring about being "perfect" since they arent expecting it.

although it does work the other way too, my parents had a fit when I said yes to going out with a guy who's parents are divorced (it wasn't shayach for other reasons)

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