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Author Topic: I know you mean well but...
waiting-
game

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 11:59 AM

To all the wonderful, well-meaning, and caring friends and family out there... Thank you for your excitement about a boy that u suddenly thought might be perfect for me!! thanks for letting me know all the wonderful things u know about him and for raving about his incredible midos and describing every last detail about why you just KNOW he's the one... I appreciate your enthusiasm- really, I do... It gives me hope and it gets me excited and transfers me to dream land of all the wonderful possibilities my future might have in store for me... but PLEASE DON'T tell me anything until this boy has given me a yes! please don't tell me anything until you hear from his side first!! because if you just tell me about this boy and then walk away... i'm left wondering... is she actually gonna work on this? will she redt me to him? did she redt me to him yet? is he looking in to me? did she forget about this great guy? why is nothing happening? it's nice to know you're thinking of me, but if you aren't going to DO anything about the shidduch, PLEASE DON'T GET ME ALL EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because all i'm left with is a mixture of wondering, hoping, dreaming, and eventually frustration....

ok glad i got that off my chest...

sem613

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 12:46 PM

at the same time, sometimes its good when they tell you first so you can nix it when theyre totally off base about what they think you want.
yes just because I am not looking for a learning boy doesnt mean I'm looking for someone who is just learning to read hebrew/ makes it to shul for shachris/doesnt go to work on shabbos.
sometimes you need to weed out the ridiculous from the well meaning relatives

waiting-
game

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 1:50 PM

ok but how about the ppl that say "i have an AMAZING guy in mind for you.. he's bla bla bla and exactly what you're looking for as far as bla bla bla.... but he's dating someone right now so let's see how that goes first..." like, hello???? why are you telling me about him?!?! maybe he's dating the girl he's gonna marry!! y are you putting my hopes up for nothing??

moori

Dater

Posts: 47
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 2:23 PM

oh, i hate that too. how about those ppl that just met you? they ask a couple of get to know you questions and then when u're thinking it's just polite chit chat they begin with the "what are you looking for? i might know someone..."
my job takes me around to all the local schools, and inevitably i'll find those well meaning people. and it's in EVERY school. and of course nothing comes of it because it's not just the first time we meet but also likely the last.

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 4:39 PM

i hear ya waiting game. it is annoying when that happens. you start having all these dreamy thoughts, and then you hear "oh but....(whatever the case)" hopes up, hopes dashed all in a matter of minutes.

daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 9:37 PM

I could not agree how FRUSTRATING it is waiting game. And I do have to say i was actually going to write a post about it because it is been happening too many times to count recently. I don't like it that I'm being asked first, majority of the time it does not go anywhere! People mean well but at the same time, they should really put themselves in our shoes and see how they would feel if that happened to them.

I always think I learnt a lesson when it comes to me helping others because I know not to ask the girl first but rather the guy. Sem613 you do have a point, it does help because sometimes they can be totally off track. I still think better safe than sorry than to get one's hopes up and to be let down.

itpy

Dater

Posts: 27
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 29, 2013, 11:49 PM

I agree with u all that it's def annoying and can be disappointing but I never mind when random people ask me what I'm looking for - I appreciate every single person that tries to redd or even just mentions someone to me or asks me what I'm looking for ... Whenever someone brings abt that topic or asks for my résumé I take it as a compliment - and we all should because it means that the other person thought we were nice enought to redd us someone ... If someone doesn't think nicely of u they wouldn't even try thinking of anyone for u ... I always always appreciate anyone that shows intrest in my shidduchim/ finding me someone .... so in my personal opnion I believe when someone asks u what ur looking for or tells u abt an awsme boy tht might be for u- TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT !!! Because some girls have no one even thinking of them or mentioning name to them or even asking them what thier looking for!! So even if it can get disappointing at times when nothing comes out of those suggestions I don't think we should get upset at those tht show intrest in getting us married and iyh the right shaliach will come through with the suggestion tht is ur Bashert! This is how I personally feel but I def validate and emphasize with all ur feelings of disappointment when nothig happens with the suggestions people mention....!!

dazzleme21

Dating Maven

Posts: 133
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 30, 2013, 12:03 AM

i agree with itpy!!! i feel the same way!

waiting-
game

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 30, 2013, 12:11 AM

itpy, you have a great point! I appreciate your perspective on it... my mother actually just told me the same thing earlier tonight... she said that when someone mentions a boy I should just take the compliment and forget about it because a lot of this shidduch talk is just TALK and nothing more... she told me that names will come and go and come and go and I can't hang on to each one because I might never hear it again! I guess I need to work on keeping my feelings at bay... perhaps I shouldn't be getting my hopes up so quickly! I'm still learning how to play this "waiting game"

HappyToBe

Dater

Posts: 7
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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 30, 2013, 2:15 PM

I say "Thank you for thinking of me, I really appreciate it. Let me know more when I need to..." I zone out information about the boy until I get a yes. I just appreciate being thought of. Totally hear you though, in the beginning I would get excited aboutideas, quickly learned not to think too deeply into them.

moori

Dater

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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: December 30, 2013, 7:56 PM

sure it's the thought that counts. when the thought counts.
but sometimes suggestions are made just to fill a void in the conversation. then the conversation is just a grand statement of how single i am.

Ts91

Dater

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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: May 26, 2015, 8:03 AM

this happens to me all the time. And it really gets to me. Like I know you are trying to do a good thing. But if know of some one talk to him first and then me....... (** 😮 😛 even if you probibly know me better than your niebor's brother in law's cousin's coworker' chavrusa . Because unlike him I dont get three suggestions a day and I take them all sireously were as he may just let the name just slip by. And yes he dose sound like exactly what I am looking for wich is what makes it that much harder when I never here of him again.

PS moori you read my mind 😎 lol

CS

Dater

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Post Re: I know you mean well but...
on: May 31, 2015, 12:22 AM

Totally get what you're saying I feel the same way it can be pretty frustrating - but just to add another positive spin on it: while sometimes it gets your hopes up high I actually appreciate hearing that random people are thinking of me - because it's a good reminder that everything is in Hashem's hands. Like you think it's gonna come from the shadchanim you met or something like that and then this random person tells you that they know someone for you. Even if nothing comes of it it's like right, who knows where it's going to come from you never know type of thing.

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