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Author Topic: Feeling really dumb right now!
atararox

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Post Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 8:58 PM

hey guys. im in a bind and need advice!
im going to lakewood this shabbos for a family simcha and staying by my bro who happens to live right near my bff from high school! now i say my bff from high school because thats precisely where it ended. she got married right away after sem and went MIA (missing in action). She didnt even call me to invite me to her sons bris or pidyon haben! i try not to hold a grudge or anything so we'll speak occasionally on the phone or shell send me pics of her baby. Now she found out im coming to lakewood for shabbos so i gatta go visit her, which i really wouldnt mind except that her favorite thing to talk about is my dating life, which is currently non- existent and hasnt been for quite some time! i am embarrased! how do i tell her i didnt have a date in months. she married her first guy so she doesnt get it! and she also likes to tell me that im prob being too picky or unrealistic.
oh and i also have to sit and play with her adorable baby while she yacks and yacks about diapers and ear infections and and sheitels. am i sounding bitter? she used to really be a great friend and she was so normal! but now i am dreading shabbos! i havta go see her. theres no way out of it! and i guess a part of me is still craving her friendship. shes not mean or anything i just dont think she gets it. anyone have experience with this?

basyisroel

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 9:26 PM

hmmm, that's tough. maybe try to go without expecting anything. don't expect to have a wonderful time and for her to "get" you. And then if she does happen to say something that shows that she understands you you'll be happily surprised.
I know this is not much of a help, it's definitely hard to sit there when she's yacking away about her baby and you just want to tell her, "can't you be a little more sensitive to my stage in life? We used to be best friends and we used to talk about other things besides for parenting and shidduchim!"
Just a suggestion, though it's a hard one, maybe tell yourself that you're going to make an effort to listen to her, and ask her questions that she wants to be asked. Shidduchim is a hard time, which we all know, but marriage and raising a kid can also be really hard, and it usually is. It's sometimes hard to think about this, but it's really not only us in shidduchim who have a hard time.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not directing this to you at all, just to all of us in general, even to myself. I think training yourself to think about the other person will make you into a better wife and mother one day, IY"H soon by all of us!

atararox

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 9:50 PM

amen! and you have a great point. and funnily enough i do ask her questions about her life. thats how she gets to yacking about it all. i try to divert the converstaion from all the dating talk...i enjoy hearing about her life too but after a while it kinda gets boring...oh well. i guess ill just have to tough this one out! thanks for your advice!

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 10:06 PM

Do you have to tell her you're coming? maybe you should just go to Lakewood without telling her that you are going to be there so you don't have to go visit her?Just an idea...

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 10:12 PM

I feel like a lot of the time friends who have gotten married right out of high school don't really know what to talk to their single friends about. For some reason they think just because their entire life has become about their husband and family, that you have no life and nothing to talk about. Therefore, in order to fill the silence, they yak about their baby, suppers, everything and anything going on in their married life. Also, all of a sudden because they're married they feel like they can ask anything about your shidduchim. Even if they dated way less than, they're the expert because they're married and you're not. It's annoying, and it happens all the time. Try to steer the conversation in a different, more comfortable direction. Talk about what you're doing now, or some interesting conversation you had recently (ideas, not people). Also, you can visit at a time that you will only have a short amount of time to spend with her. That way, you won't be stuck there wishing you weren't. Good luck with it.

bitachon

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 10:19 PM

i find that id rathethe girls who dont chap the world of shidduchim (as in got married right away and or went mia) talk of their kids and work etc then discussing dating which they have no concept.
you could just say straight out "shidduchim is not up for discussion" "or i'd rather not talk about _"
g'luck

bygirl

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 10:50 PM

yeah, i was gonna say the same thing as thinkingBYgirl - why don't you just go to be yotzeh, but go at like 6 when she has to set up shaleshudes or something... and try to keep it very surface, like hi omg so good to see you the baby is heav!...etc.
good luck and have a great shabbos!!

atararox

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 11:08 PM

Thanks guys! Oh and I forgot to mention that her hubby is really shy and awkward! Like he'll turn beet red if I say good shabbos to him or something dumb like that! He won't even make eye contact with me! So I really wanna try to go at a time when he won't be around! .... Maybe im just making it worse in my head. She's was really once a good friend! Maybe I'll go right around Mincha time so he won't be there and ill leave for shalosh seudos. And I'll keep a list of random topics in my head in case! 😕 Have a great shabbos!

feigy123

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 11, 2013, 11:10 PM

Did you ever tell her that you feel left out of her life? I mean, you have a deep relationship--you should be able to talk about things that bother each other. It's good practice for marriage.

You need to remake this relationship; it simply isn't worth dropping like that. If something she does hurts you--tell her.

happy gal

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 14, 2013, 5:02 PM

feigy, is she going to start to teach her now about being sensitive? This has been going on for a while. I would stick with bygirl and keep it short. When she brings up shidduchim I would be very vague and just casually say oh..there's not much happening. Good luck with that!

bitachon

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Post Re: Feeling really dumb right now!
on: April 15, 2013, 12:32 AM

feigy
i hope shabbos went well!!

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