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Author Topic: Dating Poll
Bracha613

Dating Maven

Posts: 175
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What do you hate the most about dating?

Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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Spending time with a boy that I will never see again. It just feels like everything was for a waste - the time, energy, emotions, talking...what for?

2funny

Dating Maven

Posts: 69
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Having to spend hours on hair, makeup, and getting all dressed up all for just 2 hours of dating and probably a guy that I will never see again like Esther said.

tryingsoha-
rd

Dater

Posts: 41
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What do I hate about it?
Well let me see, where shall I start?
So obviously, wasting time and effort on a guy who I'm not going to marry. Although the getting dressed up part isn't what bugs me most- it's the emotional effort, trying to figure out how to make it work, talking to people, driving myself crazy to figure out what is bothering me, and trying to convince myself that I can make it work... that is the part that drives me crazy... getting dressed up is nothing in comparison to that, although I agree that that part is very annoying and draining as well.
What else? Hmm, the fact that everyone looks down on single girls and society doesn't consider us full fledged members until we have a sheitel on our heads. Which means that everyone is allowed to ask and comment away, and we can't say anything or get them to stop because... what if? and 'you never know' ugh. hate that.
I'm sure there is more, that is it for starters

Bayla

Dating Maven

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Yes, yes, and yes!! tyringsohard, the emotional drain is definitely the hardest part.Thinking it through a million times..finally getting the date..getting excited for the date...waiting for an answer from the boy..is there anything there..why would anyone put us together ect. It is so hard..but I have a little more to ad about what you wrote. In our society our goal is to get married and not date and hang out for fun. Therefor one who has not reached the getting married stage is just not there yet. I don't feel that I am looked down apon, pitied? Yes!!!! But I believe in myself and my other single friends. We are accomplished, have our degrees, have a great job, we have lots of time to do chessed and just have fun. Live it up cuz iyH we will all find our Basherts soon. Yes it is hard and I am no 19 year old either. But I hang around with my friends and their kids, I go to them for Shabbos, I help my nieces and nephews..and I bond with my parents..and I do my hishdadlus and daven hard and remember that there is an eibeshter running the world from on high..sorry..didn't mean to get all spiritual with you..just explain my views

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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I hate investing in a relationship, giving a part of me away, taking a part of him, to then just part ways and never speak to each other again.

The following is an excerpt of a piece I've written about this concept.

Is there a way to return the piece of the other’s essence
I subsequently hold?
A way to take back what I’ve shared
And render things told untold?

The paradox is that if I want a relationship to have a chance
I’ve got to put up lots of overhead.
But sometimes it isn't equal give-and-take
And I end up in the red.

I invest
And don’t always get proportionate return,
I guess though there are always valuable lessons in every encounter
Just waiting to be learned.

Bracha

Dating Maven

Posts: 62
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OMG that was something else. KEEP ON WRITING!!

tryingsoha-
rd

Dater

Posts: 41
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Ever heard of this famous line?

'It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all'

(instead of 'loved', read: 'tried to create a relationship')

Sometimes you have a relationship, and even though it doesn't turn out the way you want it to, the relationship (however short it was) still has value. For what you learned, for what you didn't realize you were capable of, for what you realized you needed...

Just a thought

Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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That really gives a more positive take on what always bothered me. Thanks. 🙂

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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I think it really depends. I'm not so sure it's better to "have tried to create a relationship" or rather "created a relationship for a short while that had to die an unnatural death when you guys decided you couldn't marry each other." It's the perils of dating for marriage I guess, but generally in the real world outside the shidduch realm, you invest in something that will be long-lasting or fair you well for times to come (however short that time may be). With dating, the only thing you're investing in is the hishtadlus pot toward finding your zivug. The relationship itself is not an investment. You get to know someone and share about yourself, and then you guys just part ways and can never speak to each other again. It's a necessary evil, and though you may take something, ie life lessons, etc from the experience, it's still hard.

tryingsoha-
rd

Dater

Posts: 41
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Quote from thinkingBYgirl on January 27, 2013, 11:20 PM
I think it really depends. I'm not so sure it's better to "have tried to create a relationship" or rather "created a relationship for a short while that had to die an unnatural death when you guys decided you couldn't marry each other." It's the perils of dating for marriage I guess, but generally in the real world outside the shidduch realm, you invest in something that will be long-lasting or fair you well for times to come (however short that time may be). With dating, the only thing you're investing in is the hishtadlus pot toward finding your zivug. The relationship itself is not an investment. You get to know someone and share about yourself, and then you guys just part ways and can never speak to each other again. It's a necessary evil, and though you may take something, ie life lessons, etc from the experience, it's still hard.

I hear you- it's definitely hard- nobody said it is not. All I'm saying is, it's better to know that you tried and possibly became a better, more well-rounded, sensitive (etc) person from it, then to not try at all.

Hishtadlus isn't just about davening, calling the shadchan and looking good when you leave your house. It's also about trying your hardest when you are in a relationship to make it work... and knowing that you did everything you could to make it work is important when moving on. You don't want to have regrets later that if only you had told him this, or said that, or whatever, that maybe it could've worked out.

It's really hard. And draining... and it sucks everything out of you... but you need to know that you tried and you will generally learn something about yourself in the process, and maybe even become a better person from this nisayon...

I think of it as if I'm a diamond in the rough. Everytime HaShem sends me a Nisayon (ie. a relationship that didn't work out, a difficult situation, etc), I consider it as if He has helped me polish another one of the facets of my diamond and that I now am shinier than I was before.... and for that I am grateful. If I didn't have so many facets and wasn't such a precious diamond, HaShem wouldn't send me these nisyonos...

I hope this helps. Hatslacha.

Shira

Dater

Posts: 29
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That's beautiful!

dancer90

Dating Pro

Posts: 208
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yes thats a really nice perspective!
and regret is the worst feeling ever so its impt to give every relationship your all evem if your putting your heart on the line.

basmelech

Dating Coach

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on: May 21, 2013, 9:48 PM

Wondering how long it will take till the next date comes along 😐 ... (meaning once a suggestion didnt work out)

atararox

Dating Pro

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on: May 22, 2013, 8:41 AM

It's hard to say cuz every circle of Jews is different and also some girls get yeses from boys in between but the girls side says no... I think on average for a relatively normal good girl looking for a learner/ short term learner it's about 4 months between dates give or take (I once waited 6 months and a different time I had two dates in less than a month) so it's really not exact but I learned If you are waiting many months between dates it x mean there is anything wrong with u.

bibliophil-
e02

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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on: November 18, 2013, 7:03 AM

Quote from atararox on May 22, 2013, 8:41 AM
It's hard to say cuz every circle of Jews is different and also some girls get yeses from boys in between but the girls side says no... I think on average for a relatively normal good girl looking for a learner/ short term learner it's about 4 months between dates give or take (I once waited 6 months and a different time I had two dates in less than a month) so it's really not exact but I learned If you are waiting many months between dates it x mean there is anything wrong with u.

Did you mean to put this in a different thread?

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