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Author Topic: Could use some chizuk!
Therightti-
me

Dater

Posts: 4
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Post Could use some chizuk!
on: July 27, 2014, 12:53 AM

Hey everyone!
This is my first time posting on this site- I discovered it while dating someone and was completely blown away by the beautiful community and support.
I just wanted to share my story- to give advice to others.

I was dating a boy for 5 weeks. Everything was going well, each date progressing the way it should. Along the way I picked up on small things that we weren't completely on the same page with. Throughout my dating I had many people guiding me and giving me advice. Parents, siblings, married friends, rebbetzins. People kept telling me how you will never find the perfect person and you need to compromise on certain things. By week 5, his family started pushing for engagement and I was not ready. My parents kept telling me to give it more time- 5 weeks is too short. I spoke to rabbanim, and many people and we decided to give it another two weeks to see where things would go.

Long story short- B"H!!!!! In those two weeks I discovered so many things about the guy I was dating, and that he really was not for me. Ultimately, we were heading in different directions in life. He wanted to work and make more money, where I wanted someone who would learn more and not focus on his job as much. In that extra time of dating, my family also discovered a lot about his family. In just a few days, things changed very quickly.

What I am trying to say is never let anyone pressure you into getting engaged before you are ready! I was being extremely pressured into getting engaged, when I wasn't ready for it. Many girls are pushed and unfortunately, it leads to broken engagements and divorce. I am 100% certain that I would have a broken engagement if I agreed to it earlier on. B"H it was a huge learning experience for me. I learned a lot about myself, and the type of boy I am looking for.

I am extremely depressed coming out of this. It's so hard getting back into the dating scene. I know it will happen at the right time, and that Hashem is the one in control and only He knows what is best for us. What is the best way to stay positive? I hate the thought of not knowing when the next date will be and just waiting for the phone to ring.

I hope everyone reading this will find their bashert at the right time (hopefully soon!) with clarity and ease!

2funny

Dating Maven

Posts: 69
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Post Re: Could use some chizuk!
on: July 27, 2014, 7:57 PM

Thanks for your advice! It's true that we shouldn't be forced into a marriage before we are ready. I think that as soon as someone mentions engagement we are forced to really make a decision before things get out of hand. I had a similar situation where I, the guy and both sets of parents met to discuss the "future". We were just clarifying things with eachother and deciding whether or not we were going to get engaged (I was so nervous, i really thought i was about to get engaged but i was not ready). Therefore this meeting with the parents was for them to clarify technical issues...in the end i didnt agree how things were going to be worked out and we ended it at that.

Before making any major decision (especially one that's for the rest of your life) make sure you know what you are getting yourself into and go into it without any regrets.

chaykie

Dating Coach

Posts: 466
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Post Re: Could use some chizuk!
on: July 29, 2014, 12:49 PM

wow, therighttime, that sounds so hard! and the harder part i think is that its a huge bracha, but still very hard! cuz u probably feel like (and i'm only assuming here...) "Hashem, that was so close! I thank You for saving me from that, I really do, but now how much longer do I have to wait??" I always feel like that even after just 2 dates if it doesn't work out. like ok- i know that guy is sooo not the right partner for me, it was so obvious, but now what? I'm back to square one, no end in sight... of course its not in my sight, my sight has nothing to do with it, but that makes it HARD!!!!!!!!! I feel for you guyz, i feel for all of us... I just beg Hashem to send us each our zivug hagun bkarov and with clarity and with loads of happiness! i've heard so many personal accts of ppl who were totally not expecting to go out/ get engaged any time soon, and voila! a month later they are taking pics with their chassanim- when Hashem decides its time, nothing will stand in His way! i know, im talking to myself too...easier said than done!

Therightti-
me

Dater

Posts: 4
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Post Re: Could use some chizuk!
on: August 7, 2014, 8:29 PM

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

2funny- I definitely agree that as soon as engagement is brought up, the couple is forced to make a decision. It should not be that way. Shadchanim and parents should not be forcing engagement, because it can do more harm then good. Of course shadchanim and parents need to make sure things are progressing the way it should. But ultimately the couple should decide when they are ready to take the next step. Our situations sound really similar. It's so hard when things don't work out, but at the same time it's such a bracha!

chaykie- I hear you! I need to hear those words of chizuk now! It actually really funny- before I started dating this guy I was BH sooo happy! I recently graduated college, and I'm about to start graduate school in a couple weeks. I had an amazing summer planned with awesome trips with friends. I was so happy being singe, ready to have an amazing summer and to get through my first semester of grad school. And then this guy came along. totally out of the blue, unexpected. I thought I would be getting married my first semester. Now im not- which im fine with because he was not for me and BH I had the clarity to see it at the right time.

I just keep telling myself just like this guy came along- so will my bashert iy"H. There is nothing stopping Hashem from sending our Bashert- it has to be at the right time. We don't see the big picture. We have to have Bitachon and trust in Hashem. And when it's the right time, Hashem won't let us be single for a second longer!

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