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Author Topic: anyone else like this?
chaykie

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Post anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 8:30 PM

A boy was redt to me that's really not what i'm looking for (he was redt a few months ago, but now it came up again). Some things about him are ok i guess, but there are 3 main things that bother me. Well basically I was so torn as to what to tell my parents. should i go out, or should i not? these 3 things really bother me. of the three, two are pretty shallow reasons, but they really really bother me, and i have experience going out with guys who have one of my two "shallow criteria" if you will. i was so torn, and thinking so deeply, that i finally totally burst in to tears. I get like that, this has happened more than once. I think so deeply, get so confused and tense, my mind and heart battle within me, and i lose it. but it's not like anyone is forcing me to marry this guy. it's one date we're talking about. i just feel like if i agree to go out with him, i'm being a pushover, and showing that A) i don't know how to stand up for myself, and B) that i don't really know what i want, cuz i'll agree to go out with someone who isn't what i'm looking for.
but on the other hand, i feel so bad being shallow.
i'm not asking advice, i have teachers, mentors, and a mother for that B"H.
i just wanna know if anyone else goes thru this?

not-
nogeiah-
who

Dating Maven

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 8:53 PM

oh, boy... totally... I just had that kind of situation... before we really even did real research on the guy, i asked my parents to find out some more about the things i was having difficulties accepting. In the interim we heard stuff that made my parents say no... so i was spared the agony! but i did go through about a week of, "how can i say no to a date b/c of x,y,z? how can i say yes? can i imagine myself with a guy like x,y,z for the rest of my life?
all i can say is, my sympathies... May Hashem give you the clarity to know what is right and to have the strength and stamina to do it...
hatzlacha raba!

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 8:57 PM

I have definitely been there. (Check one of my previous topics) I also had these shallow reasons to not want to pursue a date. It really depends on you. You have every right to say no because people don't change over night and you might not find yourself comfortable with him. Sure, in the coming years this shallow thought might not be something that will bother you but you still had to pass a few years to mature/grow out of it. I would say to go on one date (even though my rule of thumb is 2 dates at least) If you really like the guy for many other good reasons then continue onto the second. Learn a little bit about him (basically give him a chance 😉 and then see if its something you can live with. If not, then don't be afraid to say no! You don't want to continue on just because you feel bad for him. That's not doing anyone a favor. Don't feel bad. Just realize that this is something shallow that you know bothers you and you will try to fix but not by marrying someone and doing it out of guilt.
You should read my thread Do looks really matter?

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 9:23 PM

thanks nnw and 2funny- glad to know i'm not the only one 🙂 sometimes when ur going thru something, you feel like you must be the only one in the world who gets like that...2funny, i hear what ur saying, and that's the whole problem. i would love to be courageous enough to even go on one date, but for some reason, i just can not bring myself to say yes. in my mind, i know i'm being shallow, and i know it won't hurt to go out once, and it's just a date. but my heart will not let me say yes- it's holding me back. and this battle between mind and heart is driving up the wall, to the point that it actually made me break down in tears two nights ago. so i totally hear what ur saying, my mother also said just one date, i hear both of you, but i feel so torn.

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 9:35 PM

I am sure it hurts and I'm just remembering all of my feelings and emotions of when I went through this. It is so distressing. I went on the first date just so I can have a peace of mind and not think of the what ifs even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere. If you decide to go on one date, just remember that you are being diplomatic. You are not saying yes to the guy and you are not giving in. You are just going to give your best face forward and then forget about the whole thing if its for sure not for you.

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 9:42 PM

my mind hears and understands and believes it all. my heart just won't 🙁

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 10:54 PM

So if your heart is not in it and you dont think that this will haunt you or that you will have regrets then dont go.
(i know, its so simple right? 😎

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 11:09 PM

i wish 🙂

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 30, 2013, 11:19 PM

the things i feel bad about (can't say i'll regret necessarily, but def feel bad) are: A) being a little shallow, even tho the teacher/mentor i spoke to said one of the things is def not shallow. and another is a little shallow, but not too much.
B) there totally is an inyan about passing up one's bashert c'v. i def don't want to do that. just b/c this is so difficult for me, does not mean this guy is not my bashert. it happens a lot where ppl go out with someone that they have total doubts about, and end up marrying happily in the end.

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 31, 2013, 10:40 AM

Quote from chaykie on July 30, 2013, 11:19 PM
it happens a lot where ppl go out with someone that they have total doubts about, and end up marrying happily in the end.

True, but they don't know until they tried.

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 31, 2013, 10:48 AM

exactly. but part of me is not even willing to try once, it just wants to ignore the whole situation and move on. block it out, pretend it'll go away if i pay no attn to it.

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 31, 2013, 10:56 AM

So you just answered yourself. It wont go away. Its part of being mature and facing the situation. You know what you have to do but you don't want to face it. So I'm no even going to spell it out, you know what the next step is.

2funny

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 31, 2013, 11:06 AM

Unless of course, maybe if you give yourself a couple of days to think about it, know clearly why you don't want to go and then make your right decision. Be satisfied with yourself that you said no for all the right reasons. Reasons that are undisputable because this is what makes you, chaykie say no, and not your neighbor next door. Reasons could be shallow but this is something that is bothering you and you have every right.

chaykie

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Post Re: anyone else like this?
on: July 31, 2013, 11:40 AM

right, so that's why i'm working with my teacher/mentor on this...to help me think it thru

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