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Author Topic: What do u think??
itpy

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Posts: 27
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Post What do u think??
on: September 25, 2013, 12:00 AM

Hey everyone! So I was just talking to my friend who has a brother that is unfortunately what e/o calls " at risk/OTD" . She was sharing with me how she's a little nervous that this may affect her shidduchim ... I tried to comfort her by saying that peo prob won't say no for that ... But I wasn't rly sure if I was right... Figured il ask u girls:) was curious what u think- if having an OTD brother will affect her shidduchim!?!?

bibliophil-
e02

Dating Maven

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: September 25, 2013, 5:18 AM

Some people might say no, but those are not the right ones for her anyway! You can tell her that her bashert will not care about who her brother is, but only about who she is.

laykay

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: September 25, 2013, 11:59 AM

I think at this point almost everybody has a child/sibling/ cousin/ niece/ nephew that is otd, including some of the most famous roshei yeshiv so I think people are more understanding of these things. Obviously people who like to make believe that their families are perfect will say no... But she just has to keep in mind that every family has nisyonos. Some are in plain sight and some are easily hidden. The guy she marries will be ok with it and will view it as a nisayon rather than a fault.

life123

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: September 25, 2013, 1:51 PM

We always say that our basherts will be perfect, not care about things... it may not be true. (you know, everyone always says my mother-in-law won't be evil/ask what my size is/etc. but those people usually end up as someone's mother-in-law anyway) There are mounds of stories about people who always said "I won't marry a person with xyz", and then they do. My cousin always said she'd never marry a person with a bald spot... so her husband kept his hat on until they were engaged. We can only daven that HaShem should arrange circumstances so that the people who mind won't find out until they don't care anymore (frankly, I don't think a guy will care if he finds out after he's been on a few dates, its the kind of thing that people would nix a shidduch for in the information finding stage).

itpy

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 1:40 AM

Right... I guess it's just hard for her to think that peo might be nixing her name because of her brother... And judging... despite the fact that her family is rly an amazing one!

in the gap

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 9:07 AM

I don't think it matters to some people while others are going to care. I know someone whose family matzav is not so great, an otd sibling is just one of her problems, and yet she said that to her a normal family is very important because her family is a bit messed up, and I see her point. So, in short, it will effect the amount of people that she dates, but it won't stop her from marrying her bashert.

DeepThinke-
r

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 9:55 AM

I was talking to a freind who was voicing her concern over something else, she says her parents shalom bayis is not the greatest and she was worried that it was affecting her shidduchim. What do you think? Do people ask information about parents shalom bayis? is it the type of thing people would find out easily? Is it more of a nixer than a otd sibling?

itpy

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 4:39 PM

So I think that although it can be a prob if ones parents have shalom bais issues it def prob won't be a nixer when finding out info just cuz it's rly hard and uncommon for someone to find that out about a family their looking into! unless they ask someone who gives them an honest answer! But its a small chance that someone would find out an honest answer about a girl parents shalom bais! My parents always ask about boys parents shalom bais like if their a happy couple/ get along and everyone says yes - so who knows if it's even true what their saying ! I wouldn't worry if I were ur friend cuz even tho peo may say no to that if they find out its a low chance that peo would hear about it when finding out about a family ( unless it's vry obvious and everyone knows about it type)! But with OTD siblings it's much more obvious and everyone knows about it so peo would prob nix more for that just cuz it's the type of thing that people hear about when finding out... Do u agree? Even tho i personally feel that OTD is so not a reason to nix a shidduch since I know soo many normal awsme families who are dealing with that while shalom bais is def a prob and affects the whole family and the children get a wrong perception of what true shalom bais is and it can affect the children's future relationship! But obv if the girl is aware of the wrongs in her parents relationship and she's determined to have a diff relationship with her future spouse then there's not that much to worry about:) What do u all think?

DeepThinke-
r

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 7:12 PM

I totally agree with you. I think that otd siblings are way more obvious. Al though I think that shalom bayis affects the girl much more don't you think? So my question is which one would people look away being they know about both? Btw My friend Was very comforted by what u wrote. Thanks so much!

in the gap

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 1, 2013, 8:59 PM

I think that really depends on the family. Some people view that the family should look good as that which matters and others care about the stability of the home in which their husband's wife would be raised, although if they are hearing about Shalom Bayis issues then most likely people would want to stay away since they are pretty bad.

itpy

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Post Re: What do u think??
on: October 3, 2013, 12:00 AM

Ye it rly depends...but if we're comparing the two- I just know personally that my parents would quicker say yes to someone with an OTD sibling then one whose parents have shalom Bayis issues cuz like I previously said lack of shalom bais affects the entire family while with an OTD sibling it can ttly not reflect anything bad abt the family ( like in my friends situation-their a great family)! But then again... Whose exactly saying the truth about a boys/girls parents shalom Bayis...?!!

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