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Author Topic: midos?!?
waiting-
game

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Post midos?!?
on: February 16, 2014, 9:00 PM

On a recent date, the guy asked me to describe what i was looking for in a shidduch. (p.s. i was NOT looking for him!!) Anyways, i listed a bunch of things (kindhearted, giving, responsible) and then i topped it off with "a baal midos" and he said "a baal midos? which midos?" and you know what? he stumped me!! I was totally not expecting that! because I think it's natural for someone to want their spouse to have good midos, and I never sat and thought about which specific ones are important to me!
So I've thought a few that are especially important to me, but i'm curious: what would you have answered? Isn't a baal midos someone that generally has good character traits? which specific midos are important to you?
also, has anyone else ever been so stumped by such a basic question on a date?? share ur experience!

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 12:08 AM

"Baal middos (tovos)" to me connotes someone who works on himself, ie. his middos. It means he's refined, respectful, responsible, patient, kind, giving, etc. I guess it might depend on which middos are important to you.

I actually like fact that he asked. Everyone just throws around terms but no one really thinks about what they mean.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 3:33 AM

I agree with ThinkingBygirl.

I read a book awhile ago called Shidduch Secrets by Shainy Marks and Leah Jacobs. What was remarkable about it, was that it talked about the importance of having a list that would help you define what your true needs are.
It also gave you tools on how to create one. But what really struck me was how it talked about - as ThinkingBYgirl put it "we throw around terms but no one really thinks about what they mean."
It talked about how baal middos can mean different things to different people.
I read that, and knew that I wouldn't be one of those people; and I sat down and wrote a list with specific middos (some mentioned by Thinking BYgirl above). I would recommend that you do the same if you haven't already. It gives you such a feeling of satisfaction when you really think about what your values and needs are and goes a long way in helping you make decisions in this parsha.

This boy was clearly sensitive to that fact, and was trying to understand how exactly you defined the term in your head when you said it. It means he is a thinking person. I am very impressed. He is dating for marriage.

waiting-
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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 2:43 PM

wow i am just laughing here at how everyone is so impressed with him... i was actually VERY impressed with THIS question... but the guy was TOTALLY lacking some basic midos.... he was disrespectful, mocked me a few times, crossed some very basic boundaries, and made me feel uncomfortable in so many ways... I can't get into details here but just wanted to throw in some perspective for you all...

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 3:03 PM

He sounds like he might have a chip on his shoulder about the system... I'm thinking because of his question and the mocking.
The question could have come from a sincere desire to know your compatibility, or more likely as it sounds because he was trying to put you on the spot.
He may be stereotyping you and could be he has some bitterness or bad past experience with the yeshivish system and people who are a part of it?

Just a possible conclusion I've drawn... But who knows?

chaykie

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 7:25 PM

yeah so i think it's interesting that he asked. you didn't mention if this was on a first date. if so, i think it's a little strange, but once ur past all the ice-breaker stuff (possibly 1st two dates) then i think it's great to ask! note: i would have also been thrown off a bit, not expecting it, but it definitely makes for good conversation, and good understanding of each other. and being open and honest about it, so many brownie points! that's so important in a relationship- open communication, honesty. and truthfully- maybe this question shouldn't throw us off. we rlly should know what kind of middos we want. you did mention kindhearted, giving, responsible- those are all middos. someone who has simcha- that's a middah. zerizus, achrayus- so many middos out there! i think most of it we just don't realize as middos. like if we say we want someone responsible, as you did, that's the middah of achrayus. so anyway when we tell shadchanim (or even the guyz in this case...) what we want- that's inclusive of middos usually.

waiting-
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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 17, 2014, 7:38 PM

the question didn't throw me off in a negative way... like i said, i was impressed by this question... and typically, i probably would have reacted to this as you all did and used it towards brownie points...
but yes, this was a first date and the guy was talking to me and treating me as if we were close to getting engaged... he was extremely inappropriate in many ways- totally unrelated to this. he wasn't mocking me for being part of the yeshiva system... the way that he mocked me was just immaturity at its finest...

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 18, 2014, 12:14 AM

Sounds like you had a bad experience. It probably wasn't pleasant to go through, but at least it was a clear and easy "no," right? Seems like you were affected by the situation. (You keep pointing out that he said inappropriate things and he's immature, etc., and you need to make it clear that despite being impressed with the question you were not impressed by him.) We understand that he may not have been the most refined and cultured person, yet his question showed depth (or not, could be he was really just mocking you/the system). Either way, the question itself is a good one.

waiting-
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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 18, 2014, 4:44 PM

You're so right... I was totally affected by the situation... It was a very bad experience but that does not take away from the question... The question did leave a positive impression on me cuz i was still thinking about it enough to open a thread about it... Sorry for veering this topic in a different direction! I just wasn't expecting everyone to start praising him- and I guess I kinda got defensive because of what i went through...

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 18, 2014, 9:01 PM

🙂 We don't know enough about him to "praise" him, so it really was just about the question. (Make you feel a little better? 😉 )

waiting-
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Post Re: midos?!?
on: February 18, 2014, 9:21 PM

lol ya thanks

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