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Author Topic: Compromising
Liba

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Post Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 9:00 AM

Do you think that because of the Shidduch Crisis a girl should sometimes have to compromise on stuff? And if yes what could be compromised on and what can't?

in the gap

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 9:22 AM

I think that Shidduch crisis or no Shidduch crisis a person can't get a perfect boy as no one is perfect. However, one should not feel like she is compromising when it comes to marrying someone if she feel like she is giving something up, as then she will most likely not develop a healthy relationship where she respects him. The key is in attitude and honestly knowing yourself and what you need, as opposed to what you want but won't necessarially get.

iThink

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 9:26 AM

I imagine that most people don't marry someone who is exactly like they imagined their spouse would be. When it comes down to it, there are many things that people "compromise" on when they realize they've met the person who can really make them happy. This has nothing to do with the shidduch crisis, it's about making mature, smart choices.

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 9:51 AM

I agree with in the gap and iThink. Compromising in general is necessary for every relationship - we can't always get what we want.

Perhaps what you're really asking is about settling???

Liba

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 10:13 AM

Quote from rosepetal5 on May 30, 2013, 9:51 AM
I agree with in the gap and iThink. Compromising in general is necessary for every relationship - we can't always get what we want.

Perhaps what you're really asking is about settling???

Yes

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 11:03 AM

So I think settling is a different question - and far more complicated. I guess it really depends on what the person is settling on. I certainly wouldn't settle when it comes to things like Halachos or important middos.

Does anyone have anything they would be willing to settle on??

lukshenkug-
el

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 11:43 AM

Many people as they get older (kol hakavod to ppl who do this younger) are willing to "settle" on the boys family situation or height or other details that were important to them, but are not imperative in a relationship. There are many girls who will absolutely not go out with a boy from a divorced family or a boy that isn't at least 3 inches taller than them. I don't think a girl should ever settle on hashkafa, middos or halacha but I think some people get confused about what hashkafa is. Going out with someone who wears colored shirts when you were planning on a white-shirt-black-pants-boy is not considered "settling" on hashkafa where a boy who is not machshiv torah at all and possibly even puts down roshei yeshiva would be "settling" on hashkafa.

At the end of the day, you could tell people over and over what they should and should not compromise on but imho, everyone will compromise on whatever is least important to them and that's it. My sem teacher always said that all aspects of life are about sacrificing whats less important to you for whatever is more important to you. We all know we are never gonna get everything, so the goal is to make hashkafa, halacha and middos the most important to you by working on yourself and trying to take the romance out of the situation for a minute and thinking what kind of life you want to lead, and then you won't be willing to "settle" in those areas. If all someone cares about is looks, then they will more likely compromise on hashkafa. But, don't worry cuz there are many boys who would fit perfectly with that kind of girl....maybe even too many!

Sorry about all the rambling, the main point of this post is that no one will sacrifice on what is important to them, so make truly worthwhile things important to you!

iThink

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 11:46 AM

Anything that I'd be willing to settle on doesn't make it to my list in the first place. I consider these things bonuses.

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 11:55 AM

Lukshenkugel, I agree with what you're saying. I think, though, it's easy to say all this in principle, but a lot harder when it comes down to actually doing it.

I also wonder if "older" girls are more likely to settle when it comes to big things. Does anyone think this happens?

lukshenkug-
el

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 11:58 AM

Rosepetal, of course easier said than done, working on ones self and trying to look at yourself unbiasedly is really hard!!!!
I think older girls are more willing to settle when it comes to big things. I've seen older girls who were looking for one thing but really will go out with anyone who says yes, its just a reality. I guess they'd rather be married to not the ideal than not married at all and i'm sure many of them end up happier than they could have ever imagined they'd be with that kind of boy.

patcha

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 12:01 PM

I'm willing to settle on my couch and start planning recipes.

He has to like you for you, and you'd better like him for him, if you want the relationship to work.

That doesn't mean that imperfections don't exist. Borei Nefashos Rabos V'Chesronam - Hashem gave us imperfections that we can help each other.

Imperfections are what makes us perfect and capable of relationships, because giving and receiving makes for meaningful relationships and joy in life.

If you see his imperfections as an opportunity for you to give to him, just like your imperfections are an opportunity for him to give to you, than you are both perfectly human, and neither are settling or compromising.

OK I hope that made sense.

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 12:13 PM

Quote from lukshenkugel on May 30, 2013, 11:58 AM
I think older girls are more willing to settle when it comes to big things. I've seen older girls who were looking for one thing but really will go out with anyone who says yes, its just a reality. I guess they'd rather be married to not the ideal than not married at all and i'm sure many of them end up happier than they could have ever imagined they'd be with that kind of boy.

Do you think they really are happy?

I don't know...I think settling out of desperation is dangerous.

lukshenkug-
el

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 12:41 PM

Quote from rosepetal5 on May 30, 2013, 12:13 PM

Quote from lukshenkugel on May 30, 2013, 11:58 AM
I think older girls are more willing to settle when it comes to big things. I've seen older girls who were looking for one thing but really will go out with anyone who says yes, its just a reality. I guess they'd rather be married to not the ideal than not married at all and i'm sure many of them end up happier than they could have ever imagined they'd be with that kind of boy.

Do you think they really are happy?

I don't know...I think settling out of desperation is dangerous.

Yer right, it can be dangerous but i guess it all goes back to what you are compromising on. Don't marry a bank robber out of desparation but a normal human being with decent values that you can connect to on some level. Like maybe not a "love at first sight" kind of situation or a "know from the first date that this is the one" situation. Again, easier said than done and the longer a person waits the more they feel like "i've waited this long, i'm not settling now, I could have done that ten years ago" and it can be a vicious cycle or it could work....

laykay

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 1:36 PM

I agree with likshenkugel- I think the settling mindset takes over more and more as a girl gets older! 19 yr olds are more naive and innocent the whole marriage thing is just one big ball of excitement t that age. As girls and boys get older u start to be more picky! At least from what i see...

patcha

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 1:41 PM

Quote from patcha on May 30, 2013, 12:01 PM
I'm willing to settle on my couch and start planning recipes.

He has to like you for you, and you'd better like him for him, if you want the relationship to work.

That doesn't mean that imperfections don't exist. Borei Nefashos Rabos V'Chesronam - Hashem gave us imperfections that we can help each other.

Imperfections are what makes us perfect and capable of relationships, because giving and receiving makes for meaningful relationships and joy in life.

If you see his imperfections as an opportunity for you to give to him, just like your imperfections are an opportunity for him to give to you, than you are both perfectly human, and neither are settling or compromising.

OK I hope that made sense.

No one agrees?

basmelech

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 1:50 PM

Quote from patcha on May 30, 2013, 12:01 PM

He has to like you for you, and you'd better like him for him, if you want the relationship to work.

That doesn't mean that imperfections don't exist. Borei Nefashos Rabos V'Chesronam - Hashem gave us imperfections that we can help each other.

Imperfections are what makes us perfect and capable of relationships, because giving and receiving makes for meaningful relationships and joy in life.

If you see his imperfections as an opportunity for you to give to him, just like your imperfections are an opportunity for him to give to you, than you are both perfectly human, and neither are settling or compromising.

OK I hope that made sense.

Yes yes very well said! I really like the part about "Borei Nefashos Rabos V'Chesronam - Hashem gave us imperfections that we can help each other."
😀

patcha

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 1:54 PM

Thank you for the validation BasMelech!! 🙂

basmelech

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 2:01 PM

Your welcome! 😉

dschecht13

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 3:25 PM

If when you are in a relationship and you feel like your settling then the guy is probably not for you. If you are talking about in general settling, then no matter what age you are, you have to decide on the things that are the most important to you and stick with them.

Every person is different for someone who is very visual settling on looks would not work for them. Etc.

As for older girls saying yes to every guy that gets suggested that is also dangerous, before you say yes, stop and think do we have the same basic haskfa, ideals?

basmelech

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 30, 2013, 4:57 PM

Important pointers dschect13! 🙂

lukshenkug-
el

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 31, 2013, 12:43 AM

Good point dschect13! No one should feel like they are settling in a relationship, marriage is forever...you hope! I don't even think we should use the word "settling"! when a person makes a decision or chooses one thing that is more important to them over another, that's not called settling, its called reality- you just can't have everything so you have to prioritize! Settling makes it seem like you got someone on a lower level or worse than you deserve- they really are just different from what you envisioned.... it's all how you look at it!

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Compromising
on: May 31, 2013, 7:46 AM

Quote from lukshenkugel on May 31, 2013, 12:43 AM
Good point dschect13! No one should feel like they are settling in a relationship, marriage is forever...you hope! I don't even think we should use the word "settling"! when a person makes a decision or chooses one thing that is more important to them over another, that's not called settling, its called reality- you just can't have everything so you have to prioritize! Settling makes it seem like you got someone on a lower level or worse than you deserve- they really are just different from what you envisioned.... it's all how you look at it!

But settling is exactly what we're talking about here, not compromising. We're discussing situations in which people do settle for less than they deserve, or for a person they probably shouldn't be with. That's very different from marrying a person who is not your perfect vision.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Compromising
on: November 21, 2013, 3:07 PM

Settling is dangerous because you could end up miserable. But take yourself out of the picture for a second and think: if you "settle" for a guy who is head over heels in love with you, you're really not being fair to him. He will eventually figure out that you don't love him as much as he loves you, and he will spend years trying to figure out what's "wrong" with him that you aren't madly in love with him. It is the height of selfishness and cruelty to inflict that on a guy just because you're sick of being single.

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